Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

I don't think separate holidays is an issue, it's pretty normal in my circles.

But what he said was very insulting and arrogant.

But one of the partners is a uni friend also, yes?

What’s deal with the others - do they not have partners, are the partners not interested in coming or are they potentially interested but not invited either?

I’m confused why you think your DH can just cancel the holidays if you both change your mind but at the same time he can’t even agree to invite your on a holiday even you want to join.

do you really think there is any possibility that you’ll tell him - sorry actually it turns out that it’s too hard with a baby, can you cancel your holiday and stay with me and he’s just reasonably says “sure darling no problem”? There’s nothing to suggest that

I think the reasons are rubbish and you can say yes I just want to join even though I’m not as good. Surely there will be things for you to do anyway and you can all hang out in the evening.

if he’s putting his foot down that’s a glimpse for you how other things will go

I think that sounds healthy in a relationship if its clear on both sides and a good balance. I think it shows respect and acceptance that you are individuals as well as parents. So long as you go away as a family then I don't see the issue with separate trips away. As for your original question, maybe he has a point if you aren't going for the whole time and he is competitive, he is probably worried he'll have to make allowances for you not participating. If I am slotted into part of a longer trip I might feel a bit of a spare part, can't you ask the partner of the other person you don't know well if they are doing something separate to the men and meet up later?

I won't comment on the baby issue as that seems to have become a distraction.

I agree with you that what he has said is hurtful and rude. It seems he really doesn't want you there and is being quite blunt about it. A couple of the other blokes' partners are considered "good enough" and you're not. I get the bit about numbers and skill level being even for the racket sports but I can't see why that's relevant if you're saying you just plan to join the boat trip snd swim/socialise.

I'm trying to see how he sees it. Do you think he sees it as you have your lone trips with friends and you should allow him the same space? You've indicated that you probably wouldn't have raised it if other female partners weren't going.

I think it’s okay. He probably just wants a holiday with friends and away from baby stuff. Even if baby will be with your parents (and that is a big if at 7 months), everyone will be asking about the baby and you will be talking about the baby.

I think he’s saying he wants a solo holiday with friends and that’s okay (it’s a shame he can’t just say that though). Dh and I both go away on our own all the time. Heck, I went to Australia on my own and left 16 month old dd at home for 2 weeks. It was great. Just make sure you also get time away next year.

Is it Quinta? I’ve played there and abilities are separated. You might be able to go in a lower group. I agree that if they’re all really good having a less accomplished player would spoil Doubles
But you could do the yacht, beach, dinner bit if you’re prepared to dip out of some of it.
I think he’s a bit mean.

Is this in Faro? I think this might be it.

I'd be hurt. He's answering for you.
Just say that you know you'll enjoy it and that you will be coming, end of.

DH should at least be happy to have your company

I'll put money on your DH not ending up alone with the baby for 4 days.

Based on what, exactly?

I can only dream of a world in which my parents would babysit so I could arrange child-free trips, but to take my most similar experience:

Me and a group of school mums used to arrange "movie Fridays" rotating between our houses, where we'd put the kids in front of a film while we all caught up for a drink and chat. Sometimes the DH of the host mum would join us (as it's in their house!). My DH would usually join if we were hosting - fine. But he'd also invite himself along to other houses if he knew the DH of the host household would be there. Which I wasn't particularly happy about as it changed the experience for me, and although we were OK with host DH joining in, an open invite to all DHs would have totally changed the dynamic.

Based on my experience of men and fatherhood. To be honest, I don't think either OP or her DH has understood the impact a new baby will have on their life.

But that’s not the case really as two of them are taking partners too, one of whom is fairly new to the group.

OP, might it also be a numbers for rooms thing? Two partners going is two double rooms, and the rest of the guys can share twin rooms - if you join for part of the time then there's an odd number of "unpaied guys"

Righto

Based on my experience with my DH, DBro, friends and BIL, I think her DH will be fine on his own with a bottle fed baby at 6-8 months old. Since we are doing anecdata.

But it doesn't sound like it was an open invite to bring a partner and her DH has decided he doesn't want OP there?

One partner is there because she's part of the uni group herself. The other one seems to have got a pass because she's sporty (maybe a pragmatic decision to provide a sports partner for the other female in the group?).

Right...and who will look after the baby then? Half the posters on here are having palpitations at the idea of the baby being left with one parent, they'll keel over if OP went away as well!

Not to mention what sort of thing that OP and a bunch of her friends like to do would be so incredible her DH would be more jealous of that than what he was already doing (his idea type of holiday with his best mates)?

I don't see any problem with him going away when you have a newborn, for me anyway that was the easiest stage of parenting by a long shot. When baby 7 months again should be okay.

However, everyone's experience is different and some people really struggle postpartum. For me, the parenting struggles came later. With my first (also bottle fed), I didn't do any holidays away but I did go away for the very occasional night from about 3 months.

Just a word of warning though, if going away is important to you and you are planning on bottle feeding, don't let the baby try boob as well! I decided to mix feed my second to try and get the best of both worlds, introduced a bottle from literally birth, tried to do 50/50, baby refused bottle, nothing worked, and I wasn't able to have a night away with her for over 18 months. Just a cautionary tale really 😂

I can understand why you're a bit hurt about this holiday, but it doesn't sound like one that partners are generally invited to and if it's not your sort of thing, then I'd use that precious baby free time elsewhere. It's not often you'll get chance for both you and your husband to be away, so use that babysitting opportunity to have a breakaway together instead perhaps?

While he probably should invite you, if this is really sporty and you are seven months post partum, it may not be what you want.

You may bounce back no problem. I was lucky and didn't find weight loss difficult. But the stitches and feeling like your insides are going to fall out has taken much longer - years not months.

I really wouldn't have been wanting to be under pressure to perform on a tennis court.

A bit of a knock about, yeah, but this lot sound unbearably competitive. I think I'd rather book my own break!

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable - you don’t sound like you’re very sporty, given you don’t like skiing, water parks or go karting and only want to go to the boat day? It sounds like it’s a super active holiday which you won’t enjoy (presumably your DH knows you well?)!

It’s like if your DH didn’t drink at all and wasn’t interested in history, and you had a (mostly) girls trip to Rome and your plans were to go to all the historical sites and then have lunch and get drunk on Campari spritz and yap away all afternoon and he insisted on coming.

Unless there is a back story and you’re generally left out, or you have a deep seated insecurity where you’ve always felt he was disappointed in how non-sporty you are?

As long as you’re still getting a summer holiday as a family as well then it’s okay for him to have this sporty one with his mates I think! And if you trust your DH and believe that he knows you, then maybe just trust that he is actually right that you won’t enjoy this trip.

And I agree it’s fine to have holidays separately once you have baby - same as you all my friends do this. In fact one friend exclusively does this - so that they both get to actually enjoy and relax on one child free holiday every year!

I don’t think they are, to be fair.

You’re said yourself you just want to tag along for the yacht for the day. You’re not interested in most of it. They don’t want that - either your DH or the wider group, if he’s asked them.

If it was go for the whole thing and properly join in, or not go, what would you prefer?

Perhaps they don’t want to turn their sports holiday into something people feel comfortable opting out of parts of. It does make it more complicated in terms of planning and funding things.

but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time

This is the crux of it for me, would you being there and not wanting to participate in everything negatively impact his enjoyment of the trip? It does split the focus of the group IMO. You've already said you'd hang out by the pool, would he then feel obligated or guilty that he is not there with you, or would other people feel they should adjust their plans to try and include you more because you are there?

You both seem happy with separate holidays (which is absolutely fine btw, ignore the naysayers!) so reverse this scenario, if he was asking to join you on a trip with your friends and a couple of their partners, but you know he wouldn't be into 90% of what you are planning and would be bored and split off from the group, would you honestly want him to come? or would you rather he let you have your trip the way you and your friends want it without having to accommodate someone who doesn't like doing what the rest of the group likes?

It's not personal OP, and I think as new parents next year, trying to guilt trip your way on to a trip like this is a really bad idea.

He’s an immature, inconsiderate idiot who needs to decide whether his primary role is now husband and father or continues to be "one of the lads".

@fayesfair yanbu to feel hurt

It sounds like he could have phrased it much more tactfully. But also, if you're both used go holidaying separately why are you feeling left out this time? I'm not saying it's wrong to be feeling that way, but that it's worth unpicking the underlying feelings.

Because if its down to feeling uncherished or that you're being constricted by pregnancy while he still gets to enjoy life, you need to address that now or it'll become a much bigger issue when your baby is here