Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

She says in her post her parents had offered to look after baby, that's why she wanted to go so she could still take them up on their offer and go away for a couple days with some friends

So it’s 8 men and 2 of their wives?

Wife 1 is an old friend
Wife 2 is new

Apart from you are their other wife’s who aren’t going?

How close are you with the group?

Are any of the rest of them parents?

tbh if I was going away with my friends in a group of 8 or 10 and planned to go to activities my dh wouldn’t like, I would be a bit annoyed if he said “you go off and enjoy yourself, I’ll wait at the hotel while you are out for 8 hours”. I would, possibly unreasonably, need to take him into consideration and then later when we would be taking about everything that went on I would feel the need to turn to him and explain the references and in-jokes. There is also the accommodation if it’s all booked already - he’s agreed to go halves with someone and then he can’t because his wife is there.
It does sound like you are a lot less sporty - you don’t like skiing or karting or some of the other activities so will stay at the hotel when they are doing those. It does change the dynamic of the evenings. I do think he’s making excuses though - he doesn’t want you there so I would be hurt by that. It would make more sense if all wives were invited or none. Are the other wives going skiing?

I think I would feel a bit hurt and left out but I think I can see why he might have said it. Currently there are eight of them which is a convenient number if you are playing a lot of sport. They are also all there for the whole time which makes things easy to organize. If you pitch up or leave on different days then it might complicate things. Also I know you are happy to simply sit by the pool or do something different but that would make it more tricky to organize than if you weren’t there. Maybe if someone else was sitting out it might be easier. If the plan is to play lots and lots of sports then it would be tricky for you husband if you were just waiting by the pool.
How would it work with costs. At the minute I imagine it’s very straight forward with even numbers. Might your husband already agreed to share a room with someone. If it’s already been booked then might it be tricky to add someone else.

So, if I were you, I would feel a bit hurt but I would understand his reasoning.

I KNOW you aren’t asking but I’m another fan of some separate holidays. My husband and I are in our 60s and I was 20 when we started dating. We’ve always had holidays we do on our own. We’ve also often visited our own parents separately. It’s great. I know sometimes there are real reasons why one person can’t look after a baby (birth injuries or whatever) but it’s more usual to be totally fine with looking after a baby on your own. If your parents are around it wouldn’t cross my mind that there was anything to consider at all.

My husband and I also liked to have the occasional night or weekend away with out any of our kids. It was such a good thing to do. We loved it. I loved having little kids around but it was so refreshing to have some time without them. I think it’s really good for the kids too.

Based on how common it is for men to shirk responsibility when it comes to childcare. My SIL went to Australia on her own to visit her sister for 4 weeks and my brother simply dropped their youngest children (2 under age of 8) at my sister's each day except the weekend as he felt she could take care of them (being a woman you know) so he could have a nice bachelor life in the meantime. My sister was on maternity leave at the time with 3 of her own under the age of 10. I cannot imagine a woman doing this. My brother actually thought he was a thoroughly modern man just because he looked after his own kids at the weekend while his wife was away. The bar for men is very very low. My sister was not happy but did it anyway to stay on good terms - I would have told him where to go.

Yes OP this is the crux of it. You’ll get a lot of votes saying YANBU that honestly are probably from people who aren’t very sporty themselves and are just personally offended about sports holidays lol - but the main priority is for you to unpack why you’re offended about this and whether it’s actually something deeper - it kind of sounds like it is because on the face of it it’s nothing personal to not be invited to a tennis holiday when you don’t enjoy tennis!

Maybe your feelings are really about an underlying sense of not being as connected to DH, not feeling yourself in your body anymore, being scared about losing independence etc.

Is she also an immature, inconsiderate idiot because she is going on a 4 day hen trip later in the year leaving DH and baby behind?

Some people are happy to do solo trips and have the resources and support that allows them to do so, good for them.

I’m all for getting under the skin of an issue but given they both seem happy to arrange their own solo trips generally, it just seems like FOMO because she likes the sound of a yacht trip and lounging by the pool? Which is fair enough, who wouldn’t - but doesn’t give her the right to gatecrash her partner’s holiday.

you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time

This is the bit that would annoy me! Do you complain a bit ? I'd be more than happy to fill in my days on my own and spend time together in the evening or less sporty activities. I'd be super annoyed if my DH said I'd complain the whole time because that's not who I am!.

IME, men like that have usually been 'mothered' their whole lives, usually move on from a 'mothering' family immediately to a 'mothering' wife, the blokes I know who are selfish at home, have been created by old fashion upbringings in that the mother & sisters are the one that did/do everything around the house and they don't have to lift a finger except go out to work and come back.

It's hardly surprising they turn out the way they do, and it sounds like your sister agreed to take the children every day for him, even though he is more than capable of doing it himself.. both sound like the fall into the roles they have been assigned for them.

Going on separate holidays is fine, as long as there's open communication to make sure the timing works for both of you and that there's an equitable split.

However, I'd very strongly dislike being spoken to as your husband spoke to you: I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.

Why is he singling out the other "girls" being especially "sporty", rather than saying, just for example, that the whole group are keen athletes who've been training regularly for months and the pace will be too rigorous for someone who has not had that routine? The "you wouldn't enjoy it" and "would probably complain it's boring" can come across as demeaning because he's speaking to you as if you were a clueless child and he the adult who knows what's best for you rather than speaking to you as a partner and an equal, describing what the excursions would be like and letting you see that they may not be suitable or enjoyable for you.

It would also be "fair" were he to go away for his 40th as the quid pro quo of your holiday on your 30th, when you will no longer be dealing with a new born.

Do you actually want to go or do you just have a bit of FOMO?

It sounds as though half of the activities they’ve planned you aren’t interested in and wouldn’t attend - but these are why they’re going.

I think when 1 member of the group doesn’t want to do things it can massively affect the dynamics.
You may be ok staying by yourself all day but they’ll feel guilty and potentially cut things short.

I can’t see what you’d get out of this holiday - surely it would be better booking your own holiday with friends doing things you want to do.

Also there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and DH doing separate holidays.
Its fine he’s going away when you have a baby as you are fine with it.

Remember half of MNers are in relationships where they track each others whereabouts.
I would not take relationship advice from them.

My take:
It's a uni group holiday. Presumably they have always been a sports focused group. Partner A is invited because she has always been part of the group- she just happens to also be in a relationship with Man A.

Partner B has (I'm guessing) met Man B and they share a mutual enjoyment of sports. He has asked the group if she can come. They have agreed, although I bet some people are disgruntled.

People are forgetting that there are 6 other people including OPs DH who get a say in who comes. It isn't for her DH to unilaterally decide he is bringing his wife. If OP comes the whole vibe is different, the numbers become uneven, whoever was sharing a room with OP DH is now kicked out for 3 nights- to sleep where? Other partners now- quite rightly- want to come. There are now more rooms and more expense and the sports holiday is now a couples holiday. Partners start to be annoyed that the guys are going off to play sport and not spending time with them If I was Man C, D or E I would be really put out by this complete change of flavor of the holiday.

I assume DH didn't tag on to your 30th? And isn't going to your sisters hen do?

What he said may have been a bit blunt, bit tbh it sounds like its also true!

That's the overwhelming majority of men in the world not a few oddballs.

I think his reasons for you not going are hurtful, but you will manage fine, my husband worked away from home every week from before our daughter was born and only had one day off in which he travelled back home to see us. Yes it was hard more so when I went back to work full time but you manage because you have to.

I would be amazed if you could not cope for a week alone, it might be nice for you to have a nice little week just you and the baby doing what you want when you want.

It's not the struggling.

My DH wouldn't have wanted to be away from our newborns anymore than I would have.

I am agog at affording all these separate holidays though!

hmmm..maybe you should have waited a few years before having children.

He’s not a partner who supports you is he? I’d go in full on with the very strong view that he’s made his bed that he’s going to be a bit of a jerk to you and he doesn’t get to also choose you to be sweet and kind about it. He walks into the room, I say oh sitting on this sofa is about as hard as hanging out on a yacht, so I’m not a good enough tennis player to do that apparently, and leave the room. ‘I’d have cooked dinner but that’s way harder than lounging by the pool and I’m apparently not sporty enough to be tolerated to lounge by a pool so you better do it.’ ‘No thanks I’ll just hang out on my own, good practice for me for when you’re off on your friends and partners holiday’
Because it is shitty of him.

Why?

It does no harm to the child if one parent is away for a few days.

Some parents work away on a weekly basis.

OP, you know your relationship and what you will tolerate.

Him telling you, you are not welcome because of so called fitness whilst others can bring partners is total red flag territory.

I cannot fathom a decent kind partner doing that.

By all means tolerate it.
By all means accept it.
Its your relationship and you will get as much bullshit as you will take.
We teach people how to treat us.

I would say you have relationship issues for him to do this.
It's neither kind nor loving.

If you weren't pregnant I would be telling you to completely rethink a relationship with a twat that would treat you like that.

But you are where you are and I doubt this will be the last time he makes you feel bad.

Keep your parents and friends close, you are undoubtedly going to need them.

You say the issue here is
"Should I be hurt by his reason" which is "this is going to be super competitive and sporty"

I'd say leave it be.
Almost exclusively this is a "guys trip" that they've already said is going to be physical and competitive.
Plus, there's already 10 going...11 makes for odd numbers if they're doing teams.
Having a "new person" (not new, but new to the weekend) show up just for 1-2 activities "disturbs the flow/energy" of the weekend.
It's an interruption.

Please don't misunderstand,
you're not new/an interruption but your arrival that weekend would be.
Even though I like the idea of trying to be inclusive and finding a way to make it work, I think in this case, best to let it go, let the guys be big boisterous kids and don't be hurt about it.
You already mentioned several times this isn't to do with your relationship, your young child, you being left alone, or the fairness or either of you having a trip away with friends. Just the reason he gave.

You asked,
he answered,
You didn't like the answer and now you're asking if you should feel hurt about the answer.
They're you're feelings and they're valid.
You're allowed to feel hurt and him not trying harder to include you.
But he's allowed to feel as ok that a planned weekend with a set guest list stays as planned

If I were you, I'd feel about 10% slight disappointment but I'd get over it.
Hope this helps, and congratulations on the impending new baby!

Forgive me for saying this OP but you seem very keenly focused on how much your and your husband's life is going to continue just as it is after you have a baby. You've even decided not to give breastfeeding a go before your baby is even born, presumably as it would be too tying for your lifestyle. I'm struggling a bit as to why the both of you decided this was the right phase of your life to become parents? Do you really just see a baby as conveniently slotting into the status quo? I'm not suggesting becoming a parent should automatically make you some sort of martyr but I think for you to be focusing on your hurt feelings about not being included in your DH's upcoming lads' jolly, when you're weeks away from giving birth will seem quite strange to a lot of people.

My parents were also very determined to get on with their lives despite children and it made for a childhood of feeling sidelined and like an inconvenience. I was palmed off on friends and relatives to be looked after whenever possible from a very early age. Didn't do much for my self esteem.

I hope you find the maturity necessary to make a success of family life, whatever your personal vision of that might be.

If you only know men who aren't willing to step up and father their own children without the mother being present, then you should probably find better men and raise the bar for yourself! OP has repeatedly said it is common in her circle for mothers and fathers to holiday without one another, this is the example they see of parenthood!

There's no naivety in making plans pre-baby that both the mother and father are both willing to change should they feel differently when the baby comes. Some women don't want to leave their children until they are 10 years of age, some are fine leaving them within the first year. We are all different and just because one person's experience is that there is a deadbeat dad who won't parent his own children that doesn't mean every father is like that! Certainly not my experience of either my father, my father in law, my brother in laws or my other half, all who do their fair share of parenting.

I think it’s a bit worrying that he doesn’t want you to join for a couple of days. Doesn’t he like having fun together? I would worry that he’s pitying you in a boring wife and mother box. Is his comment about you complaining fair? If not, you should say so. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

ShI’s just wanting to go away with her husband for 3 nights. She’s not putting her child in an orphanage. Jesus. Life does go on after children.