DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

Are you sure NO ONE knows she's gone?

Presumably she has friends who might know? She works freelance but does she have regular clients?

Yanbu to worry, that's what parents do.

But before pushing her to share every plan with you my question would be, does anyone know where she is? She needs to be telling someone where she's going and when to expect her back etc but it could easily be a friend/flatmate/partner. It doesn't have to be you.

I was similar at that age and often didn't tell my mum where I was/what I was up to until I got back because I didn't want her to worry all weekend.

When we asked her following the wakeboarding accident if anyone knew she had gone out, her reply was “well my flat mates will have known I wasn’t home but I didn’t tell them where I was going, why would I”. So I really don’t think she is telling anyone.

No you’re not unreasonable. A quick text to tell you where she is travelling to and until when is such a simple thing to do. It would ease your concern and not impinge on her freedom and enjoyment in any way.

If the way you express your anxieties and judgements about her sporting/ lifestyle choices here is how you express them to her then it's not surprising she doesn't tell you until after the event.

I certainly didn't tell my parents every outdoor adventure i was going on in my 20s, because i was an independent adult cracking on with life.

I would be much the same (worse even) than you . I worry if my DD doesn’t check in with me and she’s in the same country . This would stress me out knowing something could happen to her , absolutely anything , she might not be found for days / weeks if she’s going off track .

Would she allow you to download the family tracking app to see where she is if she doesn’t want to speak to you.

I do realise some families go from one week to the next without talking to each other but that’s not my family and you don’t seem to like it either .
Not much advice just letting you know you’re not on your own as an over worrying Mum.

YANBU to worry or to ask her to be considerate enough to let you know. However, if she chooses not to then I think you would BU to keep pushing it.

I don’t think we do express any anxiety or judgement. All I replied to her message and selfie was “brilliant, have fun, where did you decide on for this trip? When will you be back would love a catch up call when you get a chance”. We have never judged her sports choices, really we supported them for many years, paid for snowboarding or surf camps, took her to wakeboarding lessons etc. The only family comment on it all is a running joke that her whole life should be sponsored by Redbull.

She doesn't even tell her flatmates?
That's really odd.
I'm suprised they've never reported her missing.

Well if you are managing to hide the tangible level of anxiety in your first post from your DD then that is impressive. I think she may well have picked up on it and this could explain her behaviour.

My husband once spent 2 weeks on a dangerous trip in South Africa - his mother had no idea. She also never knew he rode a motorbike, nor when he had an (unrelated) hospitalisation. His reasoning - and I agreed with him - was "why worry her?". Besides, even if he had had an accident, what on earth could she have done about it? On a "need to know basis" the OP doesn't need to know where her daughter is or what she's doing. And, as a side issue, the daughter clearly values her independence - I'd love to know her side of this story!

I don’t think she is particularly close to her current flat mates, they are an Italian couple, much older than her. DD has acknowledged that there have been times where she hasn’t noticed they’ve gone back to Italy until they’ve got back. They don’t have a conventional living room, each have their own bathroom, so only share the kitchen and tend to not overlap that often.
Even when DD is at home, she’s often out, going for drinks, seeing friends etc. she just has such a wide circle I’m not sure anyone would notice if she was missing for a week. She’s the type of girl to always be with someone but never the same person twice in a week.

I don’t really understand why you need to know. I mean… what difference would it actually have made to know she’d cracked her ribs in Switzerland? She didn’t need anything from you, and it’s not like you being aware of it would have made her ribs heal any faster.

The fact that you’ve convinced yourself she’s going to end up with a punctured lung because she’s broken her ribs suggests that you’re one of those people who frets and fusses about things, and that’s probably why she isn’t keen to tell you when she’s going away.

@mamsyto that sounds more like what we used to call a "bedsit" rather than a flatshare so I suppose that does make a bit of sense that she doesn't tell her flatmates (and vice versa).
But not telling you I do think is a bit odd.

Family tracking app?? She’s 24 years old FFS.

Of course she shouldn’t be getting tracked by her parents. She’s a grown woman with her own private life and she shouldn’t have to sacrifice that just to assuage her mother’s paranoia.

@BauhausOfEliott but what if something really serious happened and she actually needs assistance in getting home or being safe?
No one would know.

Respectfully, OP, this is why I learned to tell my parents nothing at all from a very young age — the amount of catastrophising they did was just exhausting.

You are what is called "a worrier". Your DD has picked up on this and is therefore not telling you anything.
Quite apart from that, my parents had no idea what I was doing week to week at 24. We caught up sporadically, but I certainly went weeks or sometimes months without contact.
This was pre smartphones though - these days the world certainly seems a lot smaller and people expect to be in constant contact.

Presumably if it was that bad then someone would check her phone?
Or her passport and be able to get in touch with someone via that?

I don't think it necessarily needs to be you, but I think she needs to let someone know where she is, and the details of her travel insurance.

I would also be emphasising that she needs to leave her 'route' or her plans and her expected return time with her accommodation each morning, if she is doing the sports solo.

She needs to understand that if she is knocked unconscious, there need to be people who would miss her within a window of time when there is a possibility of mountain rescue getting to her.

If she is in a coma somewhere, someone else needs access to her travel insurance details.

As I say, this could all be a friend / partner / sibling /cousin / flatmate if she doesn't want her Mum worrying about her all the time, but she needs to understand how irresponsible she is being by not letting anyone know.

This is just so alien to me - I really don't understand all the replies saying this is completely normal behaviour that parents should just suck up. I just can't imagine not giving the people who love and support me a quick heads up that I'm going to be out of the country. It just seems so juvenile not to - I mean what's the benefit of being so cloak and dagger?
OP has suggested this secretiveness has not been triggered by the most recent injury and fears over worrying her parents more but is how her DD has always been.
I don't get it - If you have a good relationship with her generally why do you think she doesn't even extend you this basic courtesy of letting you know (or even just use you as an extra safety precaution as a young, female traveler into extreme sports)?
Are there deeper issues/ past conflicts to explain her behaviour? Is she aware that this worries you? Is she making a point? Or is she just completely oblivious?

But if they have literally no idea where she is where on earth would you start looking when you suddenly realise no one has seen her for 3 weeks or whatever?

I love her free spirit!!

I would just tell her that you’re worried that if anything happened, no one would know where to even begin to look and so can she please tell someone (doesn’t have to be you) what country she’s going and when he’s planning to return.

So glad my parents aren't like this, neither me nor my siblings ever felt the need to share everything with them that's all part of being an adult and getting in with life. I do the exact same with my own family now, love them to bits but they can be as independent or dependent as they wish I will be here no matter where they are or when they may need me

God all these poor posters out there with really shit relationships with their kids. Only on Mumsnet do people seem to have children who turn 18 and then never utter a single word to their parents again. And if you expect them to, then you’re just a pushy parent.

meanwhile, in the real world, where those of us actually speak to their adult kids daily (shock horror!) c your daughter is very odd and rude to treat you like this.

A simple text costs nothing - both literally and figuratively. That she doesn’t afford you basic respect is the issue here