DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

As a an adult she is free to do her own thing, but if she's not made a plan for emergency contacts/check ins that's foolhardy and I see why you're concerned.

I'd insist that she has a back up contact for emergencies, who also has your contact number and knows to call you if she needs assistance.

I was just pointing out that the PP's comment about ID not being helpful was not true.

In the situation you're talking about, if the DD gets into an accident and ends up in a coma without ID, when OP realises she hasn't heard from DD for an age and then discovers she hasn't been seen by her flat mates or didn't go into work when she was expected so puts in a missing person report, the police can make enquiries - like finding out where her phone was last used, or her credit card transaction history - that will tell them what country to start asking questions in. It's a lot of work, that wouldn't be as difficult if she'd let anyone she knew know where she was (which we don't actually know she doesn't - she doesn't tell OP, or her flat mates whom she isn't close to, but she may tell her friends) but the unidentified person in a coma scenario is more common in movies than in real life.

I would say sad rather than bizarre that some of us have families that we have to liberate ourselves from.

OP can't insist on this, she can only suggest it.

And hardly foolhardy, just not dotting all the Is and crossing all the Ts.

The chances of a situation arising where OP knowing that when and where her DD has gone on vacation will stop anything bad from happening to the DD are almost zero. The DD takes more risk every day that she gets in a car (with or without her mother's knowledge).

I have adult children, a bit older than yours, who also like to travel. They always tell us which country and a quick link to where they're staying. In case of emergencies/ if they go off radar we know roughly where to start. Puts our and their mind at rest. No harm done. Takes no time. Basic safety measure. Your daughter is being thoughtless and has a worrying lack of awareness about personal safety.

I do think it's odd to be so insistent on not telling anyone - just because it's fairly normal to tell people in your life about trips and holidays you go on. I lived an independent life as a 24 year old, but I'd talk to my parents about holidays etc.

However the nature of her trips and activities is irrelevant. She could disappear on a night out at home or be hit by a bus out shopping. Knowing where she is or what she is doing won't change anything. Sure, I understand there are occasional news stories about solo travellers who have got lost on mountain ranges or the outback and ended up dead, but these are rare and she is entitled to make her own travel plans.

As a parent though I'd be sad that my adult child didn't want to include me in their life enough to bother to tell me what they were up to.

If she wanted to tell you, she would. You asking her to or suggesting tracking her is not going to go down well. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want you to know.

Is it possible she finds you a bit overbearing? Your post comes across like that, but I appreciate you may be good at hiding that from her.

Posts from people telling you they talk to their adult children daily and this would never happen to them aren’t helpful, that isn’t the relationship you have with your daughter.

I know a woman who used "Find my" to locate her 21 yo daughter's phone after a few days of uncharacteristic non-communication while she was travelling. The phone was at a police station. She called and found out her daughter had died in an accident 3 days before. Who knows how long it might have taken them to identify her and notify the family?

I had a great relationship with my parents. We loved each other and saw each other often.

But... the more I told them, the more they wanted to know. They found it hard to stop 'parenting' me, giving me advice, asking questions about whether there was insurance for x, or how safe it was to to do y, or where I would park when I went to z... It ws exhausting and in my 20s I told them as little as I could about what was going on or what I was doing.

Same with dh and his parents. He was a mountaineer and participated in extreme sports from a young age. His dmum was extremely nervous about all his activities so he tried not to share details of the risks. Recently his dsis said that her weekends were spoiled by the subtle level of anxiety that their dmum had whenever she knew he was climbing. This was all in the days before mobile phones, so there was nothing he could do about it, other than not participate in a sport he loved.

The risk wouldn't be any less if she told OP where she was, though, would it?

YANBU - this is why my adult dc allow me to have ‘find my friends’ on iPhone. They know I’m not being nosy about how they live their life (much) I just want to know they’re alive and well.

I think you’re being unreasonable. She’s an adult and can do as she pleases. I remember being young and carefree, I’d fly down to Nice and spend long weekends down there doing all sorts. And in the winter, I’d hit the alps. No one knew, I just went.

Well from your description OP I'd eat my hat if your girl isnt the ultimate ADHD thrill seeker. And what I'm afraid you need to understand is that the deliberate risk to her life is part of the whole thing, and that without it she simply doesn't feel alive.

You aren't at all unreasonable as a Mum to worry about her. I'm sorry she puts you through that wringer, but it will be a need for escape and risk in her that's as deep as the Grand Canyon she's probably planning to base jump as her next exploit.

As the risk taker myself, I feel for you but hope you can understand. It's visceral.

I would be proud to have raised a daughter that was happy to live and travel independently. Whilst I hope we’ll always be close, o hope my daughters have the same confidence when they’re older.

That said, I’m sure your daughter will be telling someone where she is.

I get why you're worried, but she's an adult. Wouldn't you worry more if you knew she was away doing mad things? People saying she's being rude don't seem to understand the diversity of relationships out there. It's who she is. The reality is that she enjoys the freedom and if you push her to curtail that, she might go much further the other way. It might not always be like this - as she gets older, perhaps she'll be in contact more. I'd give my right arm to be living the life she is but once you have kids, life has to change

I think your misread. The OP didn't ask when she asked where. And someone knowing where is basic safety protocol.

The young are blissfully unaware of danger and of the need for someone to know where they are. They never think that they might need someone to notice they are missing and where they might be missing in - trying to tell them is practically impossible, but your DD is into sports, some of which are dangerous, and you would think she knew that telling someone where she is (in case she does not return) is necessary. But it's difficult. My (nearly 50) DS goes hill walking/camping on his own. I hope he tells someone where he is - and he has done orienteering etc so should know it's dangerous!

I did misread thank you!! I agree on the 'where' is a normal question, seems that I was protecting!

If he’s done orienteering that surely makes him safer ie he can read a map. What a negative spin to put on it. It’s hillwalking , he’s more chance of being killed driving to work.

Oh yes I see why this would be a worry. I'd have a chat with her when she's back and ask her would she just pop it in the family GC or whatever. What if there was an emergency like another family member was in a critical accident and she needed to get back?

She sounds amazing by the way.

She sounds like a free spirit. If she's sending you messages when there i wouldn't worry.

Her behaviour is very unusual. Most people either go on holiday with other people or, at the very least, mention to someone that they're going. No one knowing where she is might be part of the thrill. In which case, she's not going to listen to you.

But is she?
She doesn't tell her flatmates.

We have a family member who’s always done this, just not around and then you’d realise they’d gone away without telling anyone. This started before mobile phones being the norm. They’re weren't inclined to dangerous sports though!
They’re now beyond retirement age, never married, no kids. They have pretty much moved abroad, we know which country but no one knows their address only general area of a massive country. They never tell anyone when they’re home, just turn up. Have a phone but only turn it on if they want to make a call. They use a PO Box for communication!
It’s almost a form of control for them I think, I think they liked their privacy and then its sort of morphed into a ‘tell no one anything’ attitude. It’s fine as the people who really cared and worried have passed on, and the rest of us only take a passing interest in their whereabouts. It doesn’t have the dramatic consequences that they think it has these days…

My kids are also around 24, but I still like to know where they are and that they’re okay. They like to know what DH and I are doing too!

But it could help police find her? Recover a body? Save her from being buried in an unmarked grave? Rescue her from a weirdos basement? Save her family the trauma of never knowing what happened to her when she seemingly just vanished never to be seen again?