DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

I think she is really strange for not telling her flatmates or you.
Odd behaviour.

Do you have a good relationship?

First rule of the mountains is tell someone where you are going and when you are coming back. That includes for winter sports, notjustforclimbers or hikers. This is not ott fussing, it's basic safety. How would the authorities/ mountain rescue know you are out there and lost? It could be days before the staff at your accommodation notice you haven't been back, especially if it's an apartment.

The OP doesn't sound like a fusser to me.

My goodness what is wrong with people these days?! Everyone is always so sensitive, triggered and their „freedom impeached“. People need to get a grip! You can still be independent without acting selfish and forgetting your parents.

OP, unless you actually have a bad relationship with your child / are NC or close to it, I find her behavior utterly bizarre and selfish! Even if it didn’t come naturally to her to drop a quick message (which in itself is just strange), at the very least she should make the effort to do so knowing that you are worried otherwise. Not helpful I know, as you obviously cannot force her to do so - but definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable!

Considering how little you know about the trips OP I don't think you can assume that she does them completely alone, without a friend or guide or something who will know where she is and what to do in an emergency? If she's very into extreme sport I'm sure she knows what safety protocols to follow on mountains etc. I think the issue is that you want to know, and she doesn't fancy telling you because she doesn't want to worry you. I'm in my 30s and if my mum asked to see my location on a holiday I'd be thinking her anxiety seemed high. Also passport, phone emergency mode etc will have her details on!

My dad used to ring me when I was at uni and just bark "where are you what are you doing". Obviously this isn't that but it got my back up. The answer wouldn't have helped anyway - he didn't know my uni city at all and well, if I wanted to lie about what I was up to I would! He felt entitled to know my movements and usually pass comment in a negative way on whatever I was doing. He used to have his mates text him when I lived at home if they saw me out with my mates. It drove me mad and it's the opposite of a good idea when you want your kid to share more. My mum is chill so yeah if I'm going abroad I would say to her.

i don’t think you are OTT at all. You teach a certain age in life where you - and everyone you know - has lost friends to misadventures.

she obviously doesn’t have to tell you where she’s going, but it is very basic safety to make sure someone who would be useful knows where you’re going and when you’re expected back. Not at all unreasonable to reiterate this to her, she’s at that age where she still thinks she’s invincible.

How would it make any difference if you knew when and where she was going? Perhaps she just doesn't want you to worry about her.

Yeah me and my two kids (26,24) do. It’s great cause dd like to chat when she’s working from home so I can see if it’s wfh day and she can see where I am too. If we are meeting up and one of them is running late we can see. Elder dd travels a lot too and always tells us where she is.

id tell your dd someone needs to know where she is. Had she seen 127 hours?

Does she have siblings? I don’t tell my parents everything we get up to but one of my siblings usually knows because it comes up in conversation when I see them.
Now I have my own children I think I would be slightly hurt that they didn’t feel the need to tell me anything about their trips in advance, just because I’d be interested in what they were doing.
However I wouldn’t ask them to check in if they didn’t want to. I would make sure your DD has her medical information/next of kin set up on her phone incase of medical emergencies, mention that she should probably tell someone (doesn’t have to be you) when she is heading off and due back so that someone could raise the alarm if her plans went awry.

meanwhile, in the real world, where those of us actually speak to their adult kids daily (shock horror!) c your daughter is very odd and rude to treat you like this.

I live in the real world.
I have adult sons living in my house who I don't speak to every day. We're all adults and sometimes our paths don't cross.

Whilst she’s an adult and doesn’t have to tell you where she’s going, I think it’s pretty sad. As a family we share when we book a holiday, send pics when we’re away and text when we’re boarding and landed.

All my friends’ families do the same.

Most people who do dangerous sports have insurance with comprehensive rescue and repatriation service. You have to nominate an ICE. If the person is going on a multi day adventure they also need to have GPS tracking and satellite pinging to call rescue services.

@mamsyto I get that you are worried but you have to let them go. In reality they are as likely to be injured doing dangerous sports at home as overseas.

I agree that your DD has probably picked up on your anxiety and finds it easier to not mention her trips than deal with the "innocent" questions and well wishes that mask your true feelings.

With DS I have had a conversation with him about my concerns and his annoyance about my concerns. He still doesn't tell me when he is going away but I do know that he is insured and has more experience than most people. He also has a wide network of people who will be better placed than me to help in an emergency. From your description of your DD's friendship group it sounds as if your DD does too.

I’m team YANBU for expecting your daughter to keep at least someone up to date with where in the world she is. I have had two offspring travel extensively. I have been delighted for them but have known basic travel details.

With one I had to have an agreement to not tell me about the bungee jumping until after the event because I have an awful fear of heights. I did know the country and I knew she was going with flatmates. Contact would have been possible in the event of an accident.

The dog bite, the concussion and the food poisoning have all been fed back to me during the travels. I just think that is what people who know each other do.

So I think that the daughter should assure her parents that somebody knows where she is - what if they have an emergency that she should know about. She probably won’t though.

Why is there always at least one nob head on each thread ready to twist the OP to be something it is not? So predictable and tedious in equal measure.

OP I have a young adult DD and would feel the exact same. It is very strange that she doesn't at least just send a simple text to say where she is and the dates she will be away. YANBU at all to be worried about her!

@Unescorted yes but there's other things that could happen to her that are nothing to do with the sport.
I just find it very weird personally.

This reminds me of my mum somewhat - the questions.. I send one text and get multiple questions back. Couldn't you just say "brilliant, have fun, call when back for a catch up?".
Why do you need to know when she decided to go on the trip? Feels like a passive aggressive way of asking why she didn't tell you before she went.

You seem overly anxious.

wakeboarding requires a lot if prr er pole around you.

snowboarding (if on piste) is very busy. I have skied for years and honestly the queues at some ski lifts are like London Underground stations. There’s loads of people around and if you go over ski patrol are there pdq to get you down the mountain and into hospital.

it’s only a safety issue if you go off piste in which case yes, leaving routes and taking safety precautions is sensible, but even then there’s off piste and off piste. You can get guided tours off-piste and helicopter drops with a guide - going off piste on your own is not sensible.

as you’ve noted, posting on Facebook as you go is not sensible, and she posts after she gets back.

my grandma was anxious and once threw a two hour wobbly over us going on the Isle of Wight ferry because she was convinced we were going to drown.

this isn’t quite at the level but you aren’t far off.

I used go go travelling a lot in my 20s, some of the places were more high risk.

My mum actually asked me to just tell her I was going to France every time (nothing bad ever happens in France), and let one of my friends know the real details instead.

She's got full blown anxiety problems and I think picturing the specifics was too stressful for her.

I've noticed the same thing, even now in my 40s with children of my own. If I visit for a couple of days and go out in the evening etc. She will worry about me, but obviously I do go out in the evening all the time in my normal life and she has no idea where I am, but she doesn't worry as she wouldn't know when or what to worry about !

If your daughter is really into outdoor sport, then she must know the guidance/ rules for going up a mountain etc- you must let someone from your accommodation know where you're going, what route you will take and what time you're expected back. All climbers/ mountain sports enthusiasts know this. She's probably managing it locally - because these are the people who could help her if something went wrong. And she's maybe saving you from the potential anxiety of knowing more details.

I'd just explain to her that you now feel worried because you don't know the details.

Just to add... when my son goes travelling- I will be anxious until he returns. So I do understand it now!

She will be telling someone... Just not her mother. And those other things could happen when she is at home too. Presumably other adults would be around for those other events.

That might come as a shock, but she doesn't have to.
Maybe she's looking for some people free space
(without questions, phone calls, others squawking in her ear).
Can only speak from my own experience.

Yeah it’s pretty inconsiderate of her not to tell anyone when she just buggers off, including her own flatmates. Must be extremely worrying for you too given the high risk of injury and the previous broken ribs. I think if I broke my ribs doing anything I wouldn’t be repeating it, however much I loved it!

Agreed. This is why my husband didn't tell his parents anything until after the fact.

And that will have kept her safe how?

I expect she's telling you that she didn't tell other people because she doesn't want to get into why you're not the most important person to tell (to her). It's not about love, it's just that other people become more central to our lives as we grow up.

It’s bizarre how many people regard families as cults you have to be liberated from…