DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

Absolately agree with this!!

I have adult friends in their 40s and 50s who I know more about their whereabouts, nevermind my children!

Someone needs to know where she is, whether it's a close friend or family member.

If she's doing extreme sports alone then it's not super unlikely something could happen.

But op, if she's not had this revelation after the recent incident I'm not sure what you can do.

I feel the same.

If she was at a point where she needed to travel home or some other assistance, she would be conscious and able to contact people herself, or to tell the hospital / police who they needed to call.

If she was unconscious then the hospital would do exactly what they would do in the UK - they’d take steps to trace her family from her phone / passport etc. She’s snowboarding in the Alps, not trekking solo through Afghanistan.

I have very independent adult children. They are also considerate and empathetic and wouldn’t deliberately cause unnecessary worry. The two states are not incompatible.

Yeah, perhaps there's some of this going on. She's 24 living her life. Your anxiety is for you to deal with.

Not at all.

But I do regard myself as an adult who doesn’t need to tell my mum where I’m going and when I’ll be home, because I’m not a child.

I love my mum dearly but I don’t inform her in advance of my holiday plans or check in with her to let her know when I’ve arrived somewhere or got back.

Exactly. I’m very fond of my parents and am in regular contact, but I don’t do that kind of ‘checking in’ stuff.

But just think how much easier it would be to get that help if someone actually knows she's there in the first place?
If you hear of an avalanche/explosion/fire/alien invasion near a hotel in the Alps on the news you might think "gosh how awful" but because you think your daughter is at home in Basildon you don't do anything else.
When you realise 3 weeks later you haven't heard from your daughter it might be a bit late.

Tbf OP in England is not going to know when she's back from snowsports in switzerland

She maybe following these protocols, most extreme sports can be done with a group or a company or specific extreme sports holidays. There's nothing to suggest she's just off doing these completely alone, wakeboarding for example you need boat, so there's someone aware of your safety, most people don't rock climbing or cliff dive by themselves

I just think it's a bit odd that she doesn't seem to mention to her family or her friends or her housemates where's she's going. That would be normal conversation, and it's a bit bizarre that in day to day conversation with these people it doesn't come up

This. If you’re going solo swimming you’re supposed to let someone know beforehand in case you don’t make it back to shore. My adult daughters always tell me when they are going on holidays and I get regular updates but then we are close. I too can’t understand how a lot of mums and or dads here seem to chuck their kids out when they turn 18 and see them once a year if they’re lucky!

But don't you just chat with your mum?

I'm not informing my parents of my whereabouts, but obviously holiday plans come up fairly naturally. I cant imagine going from booking my holiday to landing without ever mentioning it to my parents. Most people speak about holiday plans

I don't check in with her.

I let her know I've arrived safely as a courtesy because she'll worry otherwise but I don't have contact with family at all when I'm on holiday and don't tell my plans etc until I get back and we're catching up- I like a complete break.

We usually talk often enough that she'd notice if I was to suddenly stop for a few days but even if that wasn't the case I think it's sensible to prepare for emergencies.

Emergency contact doesn't have to be the op but it's wise for her daughter to tell her what her emergency contact arrangements are and its an easy way to reassure the op without feeling suffocated.

My DD lives abroad and usually tells me after the fact if she’s broken something in an adventure sport. She wouldn’t dream of telling me she’s going whitewater rafting or swimming in shark-infested waters. I worry if she’s not in touch for over a week.

That was my reaction too.
Not only does she know how her enthusiasms are viewed but she also knows that saying she’s going blindfold skiing in Nepal (for example!) is likely to scare the bejaysus out of her mother, and the latter will be on to the Embassy every five minutes seeking this or that info about a ‘missing’ daughter.
I’d say the broken ribs were all the more reason for her preferring to give no further announcements about her exciting adventures. Mum would be so worried.

DD is clearly a very private person, and will hardly change that now.
She’s also pretty sussed by the sound of it, so she’ll always have ID and emergency contacts info on her when she’s travelling, I’m sure.
She surely has a phone, or an email address which she’ll check while she’s away too, and so any family crisis can be made known pronto.
That's all that’s required.

The op says she isn't close to her flat mates so why would she. It would be more useful to tell people on the ground if she was planning solo off trail trips.

I only tell my mum about certain aspects of my life nowadays. I've been met with too much mockery, dramatisation and distain over the years so I'm now very selective in what I tell her.
Take from that what you will

That's my point.
Is she telling ANYONE?

If anything happened to her and she didn’t return home then OP would know where to send the authorities to look for her maybe? Even if she couldn’t be saved, presumably her friends and loved ones would want her body repatriated?

Some of the responses on this thread are utterly bizarre.

There is a middle ground between giving out your entire step by step itinerary along with tracker and literally disappearing off the face of the earth unannounced……

I think this is exactly it. I didn’t read the OP that she wants to know everything per se, it’s that she doesn’t know ANYTHING so that’s making her worry.

I guess she needs to talk to her DD and at least if she knows what safety precautions her DD has in place that would help massively.

With mobile phones, you can still message and speak regularly, but you don't have to say "I'm up a glacier at the North Pole", or whatever. Just stick to bland chit chat, and the folks will be happy.

Mine’s the same. The first we knew she was in Prague was when my husband looked on find my friends. It’s a bit of a family joke now, a version of where’s wally

But this only tells you where the phone is - it by no means confirms that the person is "alive and well".

Me, my brother and all are friends used to go on mountainbike trips all over the UK and Europe as late teens/ early 20s, with just our trusty Nokia bricks. Technology is great but sometimes it increases people's anxieties instead of easing it. OP DD clearly does not want this level of monitoring in her life, and that is totally okay.

Your worrying causes her stress
She avoids stress by not telling you

I'm sure somebody would know roughly where she is. And a parent knowing X has gone to Spain isn't really going to help anyone to find X if she's got lost out hiking or broken a leg skiing.