DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

I'm sorry but I do think it's very odd not to even send a quick text.
Yesterday I was reading one of those BuzzFeed lists that was called something like "20 people who walked out the door and were never seen again". Many sad stories of families who don't know if their relative is dead or alive out there somewhere.
Obviously if you have zero relationship with your parents then it's different. But this doesn't seem the case here.
I think it's a bit selfish really to just not send a text. It it has to say is something like "Just letting you know I'm at the airport to fly to X to do some snowboarding and will be back Monday evening".
Being independent is one thing but this is just weird behaviour.

It would be ‘basic courtesy’ if she lived with her parents to tell them she was going to be away, but she’s an adult halfway through her twenties and living independently. By the sound of it, the OP is a chronic worrier and wishes her daughter wouldn’t do the sports she does, and I can tell you that this just gets very tiresome.

I understand why you're worried, but knowing where she is won't make bad things less likely to happen. I think your breezy responses to her are the way to keep going. It wouldn't hurt to say something along the lines of - we'd really appreciate knowing where you going to be when you go abroad if no one else does. But if she chooses not to tell you, that isn't something you have any sort of right to - this is about your feelings.

I think calling OP a chronic worrier if she's only started to feel this way since the accident is a bit unfair.

Part of being an adult - particularly one who does extreme sports - is about risk assessing situations and doing what you can to put mitigation or provision in place.
A really basic precaution when you start doing something such as hill walking (which is MUCH lower risk that what this dd is doing) is leaving a route card, and having a home contact. It's really basic stuff.

Just disappearing and not letting ANYONE know what country she is in, even, let alone what activities and what routes, or when she is due to return, is not being an adult, it is being incredibly irresponsible.

My mid 20s were my ‘young, free & single’ phase, and the 90s were a very good time to be young, free & single. I certainly didn’t tell my mum where I was, what I was doing or with whom.

Firstly, because I was an independent adult and frankly it was none of her business.

Secondly, and more importantly, because I knew she would worry terribly if she knew even half of it. Telling her stuff that she didn’t need to know would only cause anxiety which seemed unfair on her. I was genuinely trying to protect her. She couldn’t worry about what she didn’t know about. Perhaps your daughter takes the same view, OP?

I'm not getting chronic worrier from OP, I'm getting specific concern for a pattern of worrying and unnecessary behaviour from her DD.
And for me 'basic courtesy' is just a short hand for the obligations and responsibilities we all have to each other as adults in a family, whether we live together or not (assuming no history of abuse/ all the usual caveats etc).

Everyone wanging on about the DD being an adult and entitled to her independence are all correct but the other equally important side to that coin is not being a dick for the sake of it - especially when it really is no hardship to send a text.

My mid 20s were my ‘young, free & single’ phase, and the 90s were a very good time to be young, free & single. I certainly didn’t tell my mum where I was, what I was doing or with whom.

But did you tell someone? Did you live with other people? Were you in a job where someone would notice if you didn't turn up for work?

OP's daughter is self employed and effectively lives alone. No-one would know if she was missing, or would know where to start looking.

This whole thread is wild to me. Of course she doesn't need to tell her mum where she is going. She is 24 big years old! I lived in Australia when i was 24 and my family back in the UK had no idea where in that country I was or what I was doing. Because I was living my life. Even now at 40 I go for walks in the forest - alone! And don't feel the need to inform anyone of my whereabouts. What is this nonsense about a trail paper or some crap. People have lost the plot.

This was me too. And it hasn’t got any better with age. I still resent the thought that I have to tell my mother when I’m leaving the country. Or now it’s worse she wants to know if I leave my town.
I really hope that I can let my DC live their lives the way they want to live them.

These threads blow my mind. I'm 32 and call my mum all the time. I couldn't imagine going on holiday and my mum not knowing. I'd also be very shocked to learn my parents were away and hadn't told me!

It's nothing to do with whether I'm an adult or not, I'm just close to my mum, and you share things like that with people you're close to! I'm independent with a job, marriage, and a child. It's nothing to do with independence...it's just, idk, normal to discuss holidays with loved ones 🙈

The expectation that you reach 18, become an adult, then you never need to communicate with your parents again, or that they shouldn't expect anything from you ever again, is some weird mumsnet thing. Irl and with the people I know, people live independent lives, but actually like their families and speak to them lol. I'm also respectful of the fact that my mum will always be my mum, and I truly don't mind her knowing where I am as long as she doesn't interfere with my life choices!!

It’s odd because it’s pretty basic caring for your DD to tell you where she is if you might need her or if there is a family emergency? It is strange

DS does this. It's selfish and annoying. He also has the audacity to be pissed off now we have started to do the same. He was most miffed when he couldn't track us down over a few days, came to the house expecting to find us dead and found out from the neighbours we were on a cruise. Some people only learn from experience.

I think the answer here is to ask her who her emergency contacts and next of kin are when she's abroad.

Ensure she knows for practical reasons - what would happen if she was knocked out cold and unable to do function in hospital? It would be useful in such cases for an emergency contact to know her insurance policy number perhaps.

How would you reach her in an emergency, if one of you had a heart attack say? What if she was out of signal, battery or her phone broke or was stolen? Then it would be useful to know where she's staying so you could reach her if it was urgent.

I've always been pretty free spirited when I travel too but I my parents have a copy of my passport, who my emergency contacts are and likewise know how to reach me in an emergency.

Your daughter is irresponsible.
She needs to at least leave an envelope in her room with travel details in case accidents happen.
It would be considerate of her to also let you know of her dates and where she is going. You should also have a copy of her passport in case of weird necessity.
Though her work place would have you down as an emergency contact if she went missing, I'd hope. And her work would know some details of her plans.

i’m always surprised that a site full of mothers who hover over their younger children so quickly turn on anyone who shows any concern for an adult child.

My friend has a 20 year old son and 3 teenagers and they all use a family tracking app. Their all close, no ones paranoid 😅 the 20 year old works full time & has his own place

Yeah, but the difference is that YOU knew where your DH was and would have been able to raise the alarm if he went missing. I don’t worry about DD’s whereabouts day to day as she lives with her lovely DP who has our contact details and would let us know if anything happened to her. In the OP’s case her DD doesn’t seem to tell anyone where she goes and if she disappeared no one would have a clue where in the world to look for her. That would worry me hugely.

OP you sound very needy and controlling. Just like my mother,

When I went off alone in the 90s to places like Iran, Syria and Nepal I never told my mother where I was going. She would have had a nervous breakdown! Granted I was not doing extreme sports but I was travelling independently and not with a tour group. I used to tell one relative but he had strict instructions not to tell anyone else unless some extreme emergency happened. It never did. I would ring him on arrival, give him a contact number and place(hotel) and when I expected to be back. Being able to travel where you wish and when you wish is one of the joys of being single and childfree.

OP you sound very needy and controlling. Just like my mother,

Kindly, you're projecting here. There's nothing needy or controlling in the ops posts and definitely nothing in her message to her daughter.

I’m not close to my parents but if I was going out of the country they would know. I find it strange she doesn’t tell you but then the breezy response to her update is sort of telling of no one being honest with each other. DD can’t be honest with you when she is going and you OP, can’t be honest with her when you are anxious and worried. Maybe time for a heat-to-heart with her.

@DoubleYellows seems like OP just wants to know the basics.

I have 4 adult children - they tend to let me know when they are out of the country or doing something out of the ordinary. DD2 flew with bf today to Lisbon and messaged to say she arrived safely. Normal thing to do.

Our oldest is in his 20s and lets us know what he’s up to. Our friends adult kids do too. It’s normal in our world, not controlling, just loving and respectful.

I've put YABU not because I don't understand your concern but because I don't think it will do any good to ask this of her. Even if she managed to do it how exactly would it keep her safe? All it's actually going to do is make you worry more because you'll be anxious the entire time as you'll know what she intends to do.
End of the day you have to accept she's an adult and this is what she loves. I absolutely understand the worry as I'd be beside myself but there's just nothing to be done except trying to learn to deal with it. Her informing you what she's doing before hand isn't going to achieve anything EXCEPT if it's something like long distance solo hiking or climbing, in which case then it's important someone knows her intentions and route so can sound an alarm for search parties if she doesn't come back as expected.
But for the extreme sports there's no difference really as what on earth could you do anyway? Your sitting there worrying the entire time isn't going to affect whether or not she gets injured. So I can see why she wouldn't tell you.
I think you can too really and it's just this accident that has you going over this. You do know that putting pressure on her to let you know her plans is actually going to make her even less likely to do so. She will see how anxious you are and not want to add to it or have to think about it.
Unfortunately there's just no solution to this other than trying to accept you've got a daughter who enjoys adventure which comes with risk.

I think if she is going snowboarding off piste she needs to let someone know where she is planning to go. If she gets injured and is on a route few takes, there is no guarantee someone would find her, it’s a little different if she is on piste as the odds are there will be lots of people around to help her out.
I’m pretty sure it’s not recommended to go off piste alone though so I hope she is going with someone?