DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

I sympathise with the OP, but with some reservations.
I have asked my adult DC who do not live with and who don't live with each other, to give me some details on those occasions when they leave the country.
As in, dates out and in, and which country etc.
We don't expect accidents etc but I have known of several and within my immediate circle when accidents have happened.
If one does not hear from a family member for several months, how and when would you raise the alarm that someone was missing?
My DC do usually now give me vague details, and thats all I ask. I don't want or need to know their day to day activities.
Similarly, as a retired person when accidents or illness may be likely, I always msg my DC of when I'm leaving the country and include my insurance details (in case I end up in hospital in another country.)

You think? My kids (especially my daughter) tell me EVERYTHING) and, frankly, I could do without it. What you don't know can't hurt. I long to not know about their shit (they're late 40s/early 50s. It never stops.

@Oldwmn you wouldn't want to know if your child left the country?
Odd.

What difference does it make?

Well obviously it doesn't.
If you don't actually like each other then whatever but to me it's just normal family interactions to let each other know these kind of things.

My sons are all adults now and obviously on their own. However, I do ask that they let me know when they are traveling, when they get on/off a plane and a boat. I know it sounds strange but those are my particular stressors. So, far they do it and have not complained. Yet.

The only issue I can see is that the OP doesn't like not being told. We don't know the reason for that but I suspect that even if she knew where and when DD was going, she would still worry and maybe fuss unnecessarily.

She doesn’t appear to tell anyone. That’s not being an adult. It’s being stupid. If anything happened no one would know and it could make things very complicated and traumatic.

How is wanting to know in advance when they go to Paris but not wanting to know when they visit York any sort of indication of whether someone likes their children or not?

I want to hear about my adult kids’ lives. I want to share their highs and lows. I want to support them when they need it. I do not need an outline of their plans before they happen to cross a border, or sleep away from their home for a night, to make any aspect of my relationship with them any better, more meaningful, or more helpful.

I find this odd, and honestly I think I’m pretty cool, but if my son - who is studying 600 miles away - actually left the country without telling me or his Dad, I’d be concerned. I mean, even without the extreme sports angle, it’s surely logical to know roughly where in the world your child is. I honestly don’t think that makes me a crazy worrier, just sensible. If there’s no-one else she’s close to who would likely be aware, then could you just ask her to text you - can be super brief eg one I got from my son a few weeks ago “at EDI, off to Copenhagen, back Tues” Doesn’t need to be any more!

There is nothing stupid about it. Friends and family at home knowing that you’ve gone on really doesn’t change anything on the rare occasions when things go wrong on holiday. If something happens the people you gave your plans to still aren’t going to know it’s happened until they are told.

@RawBloomers ok saying about "not liking your kids" is a bit rude and apologies for that 🙂
Oh I don't know what I think anymore. This thread has baffled me with the way some people think.
I just can't imagine not letting either my mum or sister know that I was planning on leaving the country.
I guess that's just the way I am 🙂

I don't need or expect my adult offspring to provide me with a day by day account of their travel plans. Of course, if they're going abroad, it would probably come up in ordinary conversation but I wouldn't lie awake at night fretting over an undisclosed trip.

I find that weird and selfish to be honest, and even odder that DD thinks it's acceptable. I'm not particularly close to my parents but would definitely give them a heads up if I was leaving the country on a solo trip, because it's the considerate thing to do. Also quite handy if I get into an accident or dissappear!

That seems entirely normal to me. One of my sisters will always tell my parents if she’s going away, as my dad feeds her cats for her, but the rest of us are far less likely to unless it happens to come up in conversation. I might vaguely be aware of one of them having booked a holiday in Sardinia, but not know the dates etc.

To the point where, earlier this year, one sister posted a photo of herself and her partner in a Polish city on the family WhatsApp, and my other sister noticed our brother walking past in the background, obliviously! He was in the same city for a music festival, but neither had known the other was there.

You can worry but she's sn adult and she chooses not to tell you for a reason. Whatever that accept it

How is it not relevant? If your person’s friends had sounded the alarm properly, it wouldn’t have taken weeks to start searching. Both situations show why it’s a good idea to let people know where you are. I think you’re being a bit harsh on OP, she hasn’t given any indication she doesn’t approve of her daughter’s sport, but I think any parent of any aged child would be alarmed to find out their child was injured in a foreign country and they didn’t even know they were abroad.

Because your example is equally irrelevant. Most people to not go through life planning it in case they have a mental health crisis extreme enough for hospitalisation when they presumably have not had issues or indications before hand.

This guy deliberately used the fact that people 'thought' they knew where he was to do what he did. So it helped no one.

But anyone would surely work out that this would make a worrying parent worry even more. I can understand worrying about my children, especially if they had been in an accident. She is an adult obviously, but there is no consideration to put her parents or anyone elses mind at ease so I can see why OP would panic.

I find this very odd. I also find it odd that so many people think it’s normal and think OP is pushy for wanting her dd to give her some very basic details about her trips.

im not very close to my mum. Speak on the phone every couple of weeks and see her every now and then as she wasn’t a great mum and there’s resentment there. Even with this relationship I have always let her know where I’m going if I’m going away somewhere and how long for. Just seems weird not to.

I’m close with adult dd1 who is away at uni. I don’t expect to be told details of every night out, but if she’s going away or travelling a distance even if back the same day she would tell me. We speak via messages several times a day and she tells me anything that’s important. Just seems normal to me.

Omg the amount of disrespect and common curtesy towards parents on this thread is dreadful..free spirit and in her mid 20's living her dream is all ok until she turns up dead and no one knows where she is and then it's..my god what sort of family has she ? Why didn't her parents care more about her ? Oh I couldn't be like that either my Mum kind of chat..this mother is not asking for her life story just a heads up about where she is and when she's back..not hard to do and any decent daughter would do..but sorry who dosent see their parents frequently anyways or pick up the phone to speak to them..my daughters are 29 and 27 the 2 that have left home and have their own families and they contact me everyday..mind you they do love me and want to spend time with me ..

I have five adult sons, there is a email address they all have, they send where they are going flight information hotel information and numbers,even people they are travelling with. I only check the email every blue moon to keep it tidy really. I have folders for each son, so I simply put their email into the folder. It had worked. Came in handy when one of my son's a few years back broke his ankle, I knew where he was. I never pry. But , I explained to them just because you are an adult doesn't make you invincible. It's working. I don't pry , but it makes me feel better.

No way that would fly with my mum. She's not fussed aslong as she's in the loop. And I don't think its too much for you to ask her to just drop a text saying where she has gone and how long for. Imagine she got kidnapped and you didnt even know.

Uh uh, nope, no way. She being wreckless

I think that’s completely over the top. I don’t think it has anything to do with ‘being a decent daughter’, or that she’s disrespecting the OP because she doesn’t want to feed her fussing and worrying.

I wonder if you have adult DC?

it’s not fussing and worrying to want to know what country your DC is in and roughly when they will return. It’s really quite normal. If all is well you don’t interfere, but if something goes wrong you have the info so you can potentially help if needed. Really strange attitude to have that parents should be kept entirely in the dark to avoid fussing.