DD never tells us when she is going on holiday

[mamsyto]

My DD is 24, she works freelance and condenses her days to about 4 days a week to maximise her time off. Shes a massive extreme sport fan, wakeboarding, snowboarding, cliff diving, rock climbing, surfing, I’m sure you get the idea.

Earlier this year she broke 2 ribs while wakeboarding. She hadn’t told anyone she was going out to Switzerland to do this, she just disappeared off, we only found out when we called her and she told us she was still in Switzerland as she’d been told to wait a week before flying back!

Obviously many of these sports come with decent risk of injury, more so than if she was renting a tennis court in the south of France for a few days or playing beach volleyball with friends! We find it deeply concerning she doesn’t inform anyone she is going on these trips. She also doesn’t use social media very much, she will only post once she is back from a place which I do understand but it’s a tad useless in ensuring she’s safe.

Anyway I tried to call her tonight and got a message, with a pic of her out somewhere snowboarding, simply quoted “getting some early season slope time I’ll call when I’m home”. No mention of where she was, how long she would be there or if she was with anyone. Now she’s not replying to tell us where she is, she is a chronic bad replier so we will be lucky if she tells us before she is home. I’d maybe feel better if she was inclined to play it safe while doing these sports, but If she isn’t practicing tricks that make your stomach a bit weak, she’s going off piste which is obviously naturally riskier.

Prior to her injury earlier this year I was very much in the team if she’s an adult, she doesn’t owe us a pre-warning of where she is going or how long she will be there. However since the injury I’ve been pretty paranoid, I know that broken ribs can be fragile if not healed fully and the risk of an injury to the lungs with broken ribs is there, if something awful happened we would have no idea unless someone contacted us as she is notoriously awful at replying and doesn’t tell anyone where she is!

AIBU to be very worried? Would it be fair for me to ask her to please just drop a message saying where she is going and for how long, I wouldn’t harass her while she is there and I respect her right to privacy and independence but just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean I can stop worrying!

OP I think you need to ask her to apply some common sense and nuance.

She doesn’t need to tell you every trip she is going on, not all extreme sports have the same risk factors. For example while wakeboarding can have some pretty painful injuries, you will need someone driving the boat, often a spotter is necessary by who ever is running the boat then whoever is on the rope, so in the situation where you do get injured there are people around who can provide support and get you medical treatment.
On the other hand off-piste snowboarding or cliff diving from a spot that isn’t staffed with life guards or particularly busy, carry a higher risk and it’s much more important someone knows where she plans to be. I’d say she should just never do these alone but even if you are with someone people should know where you are.
Even more so when it’s early season snowboarding off-piste. Often early season resorts aren’t fully staffed, patrol routes might be limited and the loose snow can present a higher avalanche risk. Also as the snow may be shallower the risk of running into rocks or trees and getting injured is higher. It is a dangerous sport and the first thing mountain rescue would need if she didn’t get in contact with someone and was presumed missing is where she planned to go. She really shouldn’t be doing it alone and there should be someone who knows where she plans to go and when she is due back. That doesn’t have to be you, but it’s not being needy, it’s well known mountain safety.

My children are adults now, but we still all let each other know roughly where we are and roughly when we’ll be back. Not because we’re controlling or needy- but because we love and care for each other and don’t want to cause unnecessary worry. That’s how normal people behave.

Hmm tricky one OP. She sounds really cool! Presuming you get along in general and you haven’t interfered, resulting in pushing her away, would she maybe agree to location sharing with you? Saves the ‘hassle’ of sending travel details to you etc.. My kids and I have shared this for years and tbh I forget they are on it most of the time - but it’s a ‘mothers comfort’ for me… these days I can’t keep up with everyone and their trips and it’s a standing joke that I’ll message one of them and their reply is “I TOLD you I was going to Thailand/Mexico/Spain etc… and Dd often abroad with work. The long haul ones I like to know but short haul to us as a family are just like hopping on a train to London (am up north). Family have homes in Europe, so it’s home from home to them now-also I’m divorced from exH so they’d go with him from being young. Travel builds confidence and resilience. I had once had my appendix out at 18 and refused to tell my mother 🤔

It sounds to me like you had the exact safety protocol I think OP’s daughter needs. And OP needs to know that yes, there is a safety plan and you’d get a call if anything happens. Once the daughter does that, OP can just have normal mum worry. Right now it sounds like the daughter is being unsafe and reckless. Of course mum will worry more if the daughter says no one knows anything.

OP, at a neutral visit, I’d tell your daughter that you want to know she’s doing proper precautions like that so you won’t worry about her sitting unidentified in a coma and otherwise you want pics and stories and to know which gloves/weird equipment bits she wants for Christmas and you’re happy she’s able to live this way.

I do think she should tell you, but if she’s telling someone and that person has your number, she’s safe and might grow into telling you.

I do find it strange that she wouldn’t tell you. I can’t imagine not telling my mum or sisters that I’m going away. We message daily and speak weekly. Surely that’s just conversation?

Unless there is something you aren’t telling us. Could there be a reason she stepped away from the family?

I can really see this from both sides bc at 24 I would have done this (not so much extreme sports but the hyper independence) and resented having to check in with my mum. But now I’m 45 and have children I can’t imagine ever not worrying about. (Mine are still at home atm though.)

In your shoes I would just ask for what I really want - the basic info of where she is when away, for that ‘just in case’ scenario. If she wasn’t happy with me knowing it, I’d suggest she told a friend who I also know. Unfortunately if she doesn’t agree there isn’t a lot you can do. But I’m not sure why you’re so hesitant to ask. It’s not an unreasonable ask in itself.

Basic safety recommendations say that someone should always know your rough location I e. country/city.

If the daughter ended up in a coma from an accident, no one would be able to access her phone and unless she carries ID with her would have no idea where to even start looking for next of kin. Even with ID (which would just give her name) it would be very difficult to find her address etc.

So if she really isn't telling anyone then that's actually very irresponsible of her and would make emergency services have to work a lot harder for no good reason.

She should follow basic safety precautions and let someone know where she’s going and when she’s due back, even if not you.

Years ago I went to Iran alone. During the trip I was camping out in the Iranian desert with no phone signal. It hit me then that even though my family knew I was in Iran, no one knew where I was, who I was with, and no one had any means to contact me in an emergency. After that I left details of my trips with my family.

Is she letting anyone know what she's doing?

ie, if she's going off piste/solo hike/solo climb, is she letting someone responsible at the resort or venue etc know?

I'd say YABU if its just you she isn't informing but if she is going off by herself without letting anyone know her rough destination/route/leaving time/expected time back, she is MASSIVELY unreasonable and this is how folks die... or spend 127 hours hacking their own arm off to crawl home.

Letting someone know where you went/when you expected to be back was drummed into me as a very small child of outdoorsy caving/hiking/skiing/climbing parents as a non negotiable safety precaution.

How does leaving an envelope in her room with travel details help her if she has an accident?

This doesn't really make sense. You simply can't go out wakeboarding alone, so at least one other adult was definitely involved in this plan and present the entire time. And that makes me think that there's probably more of a safety net to her activities than you're aware of even if she doesn't tell someone back home where she is. People with her, phones and contact information on her person, emergency beacons for off-piste activities, etc.

Regardless, you're of course not unreasonable to worry about your child but I also relate to your DD's approach to independence and risk assessment at that age - I've grown out of most of it, but my dad probably wishes I had done it a lot faster. It's fine to tell her (once, don't keep repeating it) that you worry about something happening to her and you not knowing and you hope she's thinking about her safety. Unfortunately beyond that we just have to manage our own anxieties about our children sometimes, as difficult as that can be.

With ID like a passport or driving license, or even just a credit card, there are well trodden routes to getting addresses.

She’s not a baby she should understand basic safety.

if anything happens no one will have a clue where she is. I get why she doesn’t privacy and having fun but the injury should’ve been a wake up call

Yabu.she's an adult now and under no obligation to tell you anything about her life. And how does knowing where she is and what she's doing stop you worrying. Ignorance is bliss as they say.

She’s not needy or controlling at all.

Can you really not see the difference in your scenario that you told one person (presumably for safety reasons) but the OPs DD ISNT TELLING A SINGLE SOUL???

That’s assuming someone finds your body with your ID.

How would that happen if nobody knew what country you were in to start looking?

No, you've decided that's how normal people behave.whatever normal is.

I find it quite odd she's not telling anyone, does she not have friends she talks to? Colleagues? Is she doing these things completely alone? It just seems a very lonely existence to not share your life with anyone

Someone should know where she is. It doesn't have to be her parents. It maybe she's doing these things with a guide or a group and that's probably one useful than someone in the UK knowing she's snowboarding on Switzerland, its unlikely she's just going cliff diving randomly completely alone, but it still seems quite bizarre qhe hasn't told anyone

She’s 24 so can do what she pleases, you are unreasonable to think you should be told of her schedule but she is unreasonable if she doesn’t tell anyone she’s going away and she’s travelling alone. At that age I would probably tell friends what I was doing but not my parents.

Because when it's realised no one has seen or heard from her in 3 weeks they know where she is !

I think this is dd's 'thing'. Shes the crazy, extreme sporter, who just likes to do her own thing in secret. She feels free. Obviously this choice can have consequences and maybe at some point she'll have to learn the hard way, that actually nobody knowing you're stranded on top of that mountain was not a great idea. However this is her choice. I think the whole nobody knows where I am element is part of the buzz. I wouldn’t play into it, just suffer in silence and try and detach and know that it's how she wants to live.

I never told my mother when I was going on holiday because she would have wanted to know the address of my hotel so that she could contact me if she wanted to and my holidays were supposed to be a break.

if it’s about safety, then she has to tell someone - anyone - where she is each day and when she’ll be back. That’s the well known safety protocol when doing any risky activities alone. As a parent, even if an adult, you’re well within your rights to tell her this.

As for whether she tells YOU where she’s going, that’s a different matter. I will say this: if parents are in the least bit judgy or disapproving if an activity, it’s highly likely that adult children will simply not tell them or not involve them, and will step back. That’s why parents should be really careful what they say. So be careful how you express your worries to your daughter. She probably doesn’t tell you to avoid all the fuss and emotion.

I know a guy in the parachute regiment of the special forces and he admitted to me he tells his mother virtually nothing of what he does as she'd never sleep at night. She should maybe tell someone, but not you. Ask her to do that and you can rest easy.

I’d be worried too but there’s very little you can do about it.
Perhaps have a chat to explain how you feel and see if she’ll share her location with you. Then you can say it’ll give you peace of mind and you won’t need any updates but will help you worry less. I share my location with my mum and I’m in my 40s.