Inappropriate message in DP’s leaving card?

[Helenavets]

DP had his final day in his job yesterday and got a lot of gifts and presents.

His card has been signed by all his colleagues, I noticed one message signed off by a female says ‘I will miss you my favourite DILFY colleague xxxx”

I asked who this was and she’s a single woman a similar age to him.

Am I reading a bit too much into this?

Have you asked him if she has children?

If he says yes she does have kids, then ask him if he has ever called her a MILF as part of their 'banter', and watch him squirm.

Why would she be calling him a DILF if he wasn't labelling her some sort of saucy nickname back? Otherwise that would be quite one sided and weird.

I bet you are one of the office inappropriates?

Often the OW is actually desperate to have their status acknowledged.

My instinct is that this is a case of a brazen colleague and an apathetic response from DH.

Hot harry potter is vanilla compared to DILF though 🙄

Yes, its quite different - and actually sort of funny.

DILF is not amusing in any way.

Dad i'd like to f*ck.

What should his reaction to this be?

At the very least perhaps allow a mention of op's existence to slip into the conversation?

A subtle attempt to let someone know they are already in a relationship can work wonders in shutting down flirtatious advances. Do these skills really need to be taught and explained? I'd have thought they come quite naturally to most grown adults.

I'd be a LOT more worried about the fact he's chosen to keep your relationship a secret for two years.

Maybe he did? OP wasn’t there when the card was handed over. Honestly, it was supposed to a joke, in that situation, if the recipient of the card took the time to remind the person who wrote the comment that he’s unavailable and she needs to back off, he’d look like a bit of a nob. Surely its just easier to smile and ignore?

If she put it in a joint card other people would have seen it so it’s obviously a joke - a pretty silly one but a joke nonetheless,

Innocent banter! I used to work in male dominated environment and we were all mates, even now 25 yrs later online we joke about it and send love emojis etc etc.
if it makes you feel insecure perhaps you need to take talk to him?

Really bloody inappropriate. Talk about putting your cards on the table. 🤦‍♀️

Not entirely sure why you’re rolling your eyes, it’s unnecessary. Yes DILF is much different but the point I was making was about context. Sometimes things written as a joke don’t land if you don’t know the context behind it is all I meant. It may not be that she thinks he’s a DILF but it’s an in joke based on something.

She’s shooting her shot OP, perhaps because he’s leaving.

I think this tbh. Likely an in-joke or something. He’s left anyway, just keep an eye out if anything happens moving forward.

Is he quite a private person? Does not mentioning you seem odd?

Colleagues talk, he doesn’t have to announce his status to everyone he meets, sometimes it just doesn’t naturally come up.. 🤷‍♀️

Is there a chance that some comedian in work wrote that and signed it off as that girl? That would be more plausible than

1. Her being the last person to sign the card and/ orhave no concerns about a colleague reading it
2. Have the front not to worry about your reaction

Sticking your head in the sand isn't a solution.
There are 3 reasons to be alarmed in this scenario:

1. He kept his partner's existence secret for 2 whole years!
2. A woman he works with writes she'd like to eff him on his leaving card and doesn't care that her other colleagues can read that
3. He brought the card home to upset his partner

He's getting off on this and I'd give him the heave-ho.
Leopards don't change their spots.

You are right that he couldn't do much at the point it was handed to him.

I think my point was more along the lines of what @GarlicHound has observed: it was the fact that in the lead-up to that he appears to have not been mentioning his partner or giving other vibes that being told by someone they'd like to !"£$ him might cause awkwardness that is the issue.

As you say, not much he can do at that time - or indeed after the fact in terms of the workplace he is leaving.

But I think it would be neither OTT nor paranoid for OP to ask him to think about how he presents at the next workplace, given he is leaving with this one having possibly given the impression that would be welcomed as an appropriate comment in his card. I mean it could be the woman who made the comment just has some inappropriateness issue generally, but I don't think it would hurt the DP to pause and reflect on his interactions and the vibes he gives off.

This has had me rolling! You win my favourite MN comment this week - and there have been two other really good ones!

Exactly that: imagine declaring to someone else's partner on a signed and circulated card that you'd like to copulate with them! 😂 If that's not putting your cards on the table, I tremble to think what that may look like!

It isn't funny, like the Hot Harry Potter type comment - which is a bit.

Are you kidding me? He can use his big boy voice, for a start. If a work colleague wrote in my card that I was a mum that he’d like to fuck, I’d muster up my big girl voice, call him out, and tell him that I’m a married woman, that it’s completely inappropriate to address a work colleague in such a derogatory manner, and possibly address it with HR, regardless of the fact that I was leaving. Does this poor little man have no agency in his life? FFS

Now him not mentioning you at work that would be my alarm bell. It takes a conscious effort to not mention your partner just even in answer to as basic a question as ‘Have you got anything planned at the weekend’. I once tried it for a week as an experiment, talking about general stuff and never mentioning my then partner. It’s bloody hard. I tested it out because I have worked with people, always men, who like to give the impression of being single.

I worked with one bloke who clearly had a thing for me and one night out made a pass which I turned down. I ended up feeling guilty because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and thought he was just sad and a bit lonely. Anyway he went long term sick and I was shocked when someone said his wife had rung in to let them know how he was getting on! I had worked with this bloke for over a year at this point and not once did he give any indication of being married. Sadly that was not a one off experience. The excuse is always that they like to keep their private life private which is why I carried out my own test to see how difficult it is to never mentioning my your partner even if you’re just saying ‘we went to the cinema’ or whatever. These people will say ‘I went to the cinema’ so it’s definitely conscious.

That's absolutely key to this, @AgapanthusPink. A lot of posters are missing that.

It’s just a bit of banter. Don’t read into it too much.