A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

RUN

Whats his reason for not seeing the child?

What’s the reason?

a bit suspect though yes

I would start with the assumption it was a red flag unless he had ample evidence to the contrary.

Evidence being court records of his never ending fight to be part of his children's lives, and records that show he pays child support in full and on time

Huge red flag. Don’t bother with this one, OP. No matter how charming and sound he might seem.

Do you want children OP?
Otherwise pragmatically can you explain why would it bother you?

Initially I’d think it was sad, and obviously not an admirable quality…
however it does depend on context. If there was a really significant reason then it may be understandable. Do you know what the reason is?

Are they in touch in any way?
And does he support the child financially?
These two also matter very much.

Wouldn't trust him.

If I wanted children it would be a massive red flag not to have them with him.

If we were both 55 and said child was an adult, it would be something I’d explore further but not necessarily a dealbreaker. If he’d never been in that child’s life and not supported, it would be.

He didn't want a relationship with the mum so she wants nothing to do with him. He says he's respecting her wishes.

Edited because you answered my question.

Sorry that's a bullshit answer from him. He can have access to his child without having much to do with her at all. He should have gone to the courts to get access. It's not 'respectful' to his ex to never see the child. That's balderdash.

Does he financially support his child - because that means money going into her bank account - so they are linked in that way. She sees her name in his bank account every month. I am really quite disgusted at the way he is framing this as if he's doing the right thing. What a pig.

Now I say run. He should still be paying for his child. At least paying. Not having a relationship with the mum doesn’t mean he can’t have one with the child.

Is he paying support? He can do that and respect her wishes! A "good" man would pay child support and would then go to court for access to his child.

So he’s framing his neglect as a badge of honour! Give me strength!

If the child wasn't planned, the mother wanted the baby regardless of his wishes, then says she doesn't want him involved, why would he be so wrong to do just that? Plus has he said he doesn't pay maintenance?

🗑️

Yeah. Thats a red flag.

The child is a separate human being with their own set of rights.

I see the Mum wants nothing to do with him. Fine, her choice. But is it a choice or a decision by the courts that he has no contact?. That would be my first check.

If he does not provide financially or has no trust fund type thing for his child (assuming the Mum of child wants nothing from him) I would run so far away from this.

Any man with a modicum of care for the welfare of his child would at very least, send a card each birthday and a card at Christmas with contact details inside.
There is much much much more to this story.

Red flag

Why on earth do you need to ask?

Obviously you run for the hills.

My son's dad would say that the reason he doesn't see his son is because the relationship with me hasn't worked out and he's respecting me by not being involved.

The truth is he abandoned me when I was 20 weeks pregnant and even though I tried really hard to facilitate a relationship between them he has not been part of his life in any meaningful way.

I would never be able to trust a man who wasn't in his child's life regardless of what he said the reason why was. I just think it shows an incredible lack of character and high level of selfishness.

This is what my gut tells me, but it is so at odds with everything else I know of him. I don't think he's ever even seen the child from what he said.

I do think he would be wrong. He also made the child, planned or not. Men have to realise that pregnancy is possible every time they have sex - did he leave responsibility for contraception solely to her? Why did they have sex if he doesn’t want a relationship with her - was that clear when they had sex or did he lead her on then dump her when she got pregnant? We cannot know from the info provided.

He should contribute to child’s support. Child support isn’t for the mother. We don’t know if he does or not pay maintenance.

His reason is poor. He should have more sense to know that the benefit of the child is more important in this situation that what the mum wants. I'd expect anyone decent to fight for their rights to see their child because it's most beneficial for the child. I wouldn't choose this sort of person for a relationship no.

🚩🚩🚩🚩