A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

He doesn’t see the child because he never wanted the child to exist. I think much worse of him knowing he left a pregnant woman he was in a relationship with - would be willing to hear him out if it was a few weeks into dating.

I wouldn’t get involved with him OP, especially not if you want someone reliable for eg living together or having a family. Partly because he has form for ditching his responsibilities, and partly because you’ve no idea if no contact and no maintenance will persist once you’re financially tied to him.

In all honesty I think it is dependent on the circumstances. I know someone who has a kid via a long distance relationship and the practicalities and cost of keep in contact in addition to child support have been really challenging for them so I can see it from both sides.

Doesn’t it bother you hugely that his dislike of the mum is greater than his wish to have a relationship with his own child? I would just find that so offputting that he didn’t care enough to go to court and sort out contact. Do you have kids?

I'd run.

He's shown you who he is. Someone who does not care about the existence of a living breathing vulnerable human being he created. Because of [insert stupid reason du jour here].

I could not get past it i am afraid.

Oh. I was going to say run. But now I have read this update and say RUN.

Does he financially support the child?

My sister-in-law could have written this post in 1980. She fell for the story my brother told her, because he was such a lovely guy otherwise.

Heart-breaking for her when the mask fell and she found out what he was really like.

Just think to yourself - is there any way on this earth that you would walk away and never see your own child, without a backwards glance? Now consider the sort of person who could do that - the lack of empathy and conscience that would take. That's what you are dealing with, with this man.

Run.

n/a

———-> the hills

Yeah. But if the child was an adult and they lived in another country less so than if they were under 18.

It could be that the relationship was incredibly volatile with the mum and the kid kind of had to pick sides. When neither were perfect.

But either way it's not great.

If he was in a relationship that was otherwise good but wasn’t prepared to stand with her when she wouldn’t get an abortion, I think that’s huge red flag territory. I can see why a mother might want him to have absolutely nothing to do with a child he had such animosity towards. So I can believe his involvement might be unwelcome and I don’t think fighting for the right to see the child is necessarily the right thing to do. But…

Has he at least been paying child maintenance at at least the mandatory minimum? Or, if the mother doesn’t want it, putting money aside for the child for when they’re 18?

Or is his “just respecting her wishes” really an excuse for completely ignoring the fact he has a child at all?

This

Does he at least step up financially? He's got loads of hobbies so probably has enough money.

He's fathered a child, the least he can do is pay

At least if you decide to proceed then you know exactly what will happen if you accidentally get pregnant. He'll be the one running for the hills 'out of respect'...

One of my exes died and everyone, literally everyone, that knew both of us was talking about what a great guy he was. I knew he was abusive to me when we were together and also his wife.

I'm not saying this guy is abusive at all so I'm not drawing an equivalence - I just mean that people can think someone is a really good guy when they're not. Or not completely (everyone is nuanced after all).

Personally I would see a red flag. The reason he gave you sounds contrived to put him in a good light.

Either the mother or the father can prevent a baby from being adopted. Unless both agree, both are responsible for caring for the resulting baby for life.

the mother only has control over decisions while the fetus is in her body, just like the father has control over his sperm while it remains inside of his.

Going against the grain here but my DS dad has never seen him (or me) since I was 2 months pregnant.
He was a lovely guy, he just wasn't the one for me. We were together 8 years and the pregnancy was unplanned. He didn't want a baby with his "friend"
For a number of reasons he didn't give CS until DS was 6 but then he did and never missed a payment.
It helped me move on and DS has never known any different. I have always spoken about his dad well and sees his step dad (he has been the one and only relationship) as his dad.

I think all it really tells you is that he's able to make hard choices even if they go against societies expectations. Which might possibly come back to bite you if things don't work out.

Not a red flag. Could be the mother being an absolute B. Which I have seen many times.

You need more information.

I would want to know the reasons why he doesn't see the child.

Has he been prevented from doing so by a court, for example, and if so what was the reason?
How old was the child when he last saw them?
Did he ever have a relationship with the child or did he leave before they were even born?
Does he pay maintenance for the child? Does the child know who their dad is?

I'd have lots of questions.
Ideally, I would try to contact the child's mother and get her side of the story, to balance against what he has told me, then weigh it up for myself from there.

Firm no from me.

Even if the mother had the baby “against his wishes,” she was a first class dick who made it difficult, she withheld the child from him, blah blah.

You created it, raise it.

If someone is making that difficult, fight for your child.

Anything less is just avoiding your responsibilities and/or being a push over. Absolute nope.

It's not about her, he should have dragged her ass to court and get a legal right to see HIS child, and if he's not on the birth certificate, going the legal way to be legally the dad.

If he wanted to, he would.

He can't trust a woman to be a full-time parent when she denies the right of her child to see their father, and that only should have been enough to make a huge fuss.

so yes, RUN. It's all excuses and bad ones.

could be, but then he would have proved he went to court and has been fighting her for years over it.

It's too common mothers try to use their children as weapon, but it's obvious when the father fight that.

That's nothing to do with a man walking away from his child.

Run. He has a kid that he has nothing to do with because the mother wouldn't abort when he wanted her to.

If he was a halfway decent guy, he'd go to court, get their DNA testing done, and get custody and maintenance squared away. That kid's always going to have a blank in her life where a dad should be because he's that selfish.

He's a deadbeat and if you date him, you're ok with that.

How old was he when the child was born. ?

How convenient that the wishes of the mum coincided with his wish not to be a dad. And what a gentleman for feeling too guilty to take the mum to court. You’ve found yourself a prince amongst men there. I assume he’s contributing financially? He has a bank account he puts money into each month to give to his child if she ever comes looking for him?

He has shown that he has no qualms about walking away from his child. His own flesh and blood. Now you can ignore that and tell yourself it’s all justified and how he had no choice and how she was a terrible woman who tried to trap him. But don’t fool yourself that he’ll never do it to you.

Good men do not walk away from their children, even if they aren’t with the mums anymore.