A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

I stopped dating someone who told me 2/3rd date or so they didn’t see their kids and didn’t seen bothered by it

DH doesn't have contact with his eldest. It's long-winded and sad with lots of trauma and dysfunctional family histories. That being said, he stayed in her life despite how awful things were at times, until she was mid 20s and cut us out of her life after we paid her house deposit.

On paper, he's another dad who doesn't see his kid. The reality is very different. However, he never just walked away and he never shirked his financial responsibilities - I don't know that there's any excuse good enough for that, tbh.

But he's not a bad man or father by any stretch and if you only had the outline of the current situation you would think he was! My point, I suppose, is that I understand there is nuance in some situations.

Does he pay maintenance?

If he paid child maintenance and I didn’t have/never wanted children then I think I would probably be okay with it. But if he didn’t pay maintenance then a massive no. I think if a man doesn’t want a child, and has taken precautions to prevent a child (using a condom/checking a woman is on the pill) and wants the woman to get a termination but she doesn’t then you shouldn’t force contact. I don’t think if necessarily good for a child to have an adult in their life that resents their existence. BUT I think he should pay maintenance, he still had sex and took the risk of pregnancy, he should still be financially responsible.

If I had a child already I’d run, I wouldn’t trust a man who didn’t stick around for his own but will raise someone else’s. And if I wanted my own I wouldn’t trust him at all, I wouldn’t want to risk getting pregnant and his changing his mind and the same scenario playing out.

There are 2 situations I know of where I wouldnt run, but it would require more understanding of the situation to know if it is relevant.

The first one is a guy I know who had a baby out of a casual relationship when he was quite young. So was the mum. The mum then moved away to the EU to live with her mum and he wouldnt go with her. Rightly or wrongly. Contact was fraught. Aged 3, the baby was sadly diagnosed with an awful, life limiting mitochondrial disease. She moved back to the UK. Dad was in the army and away at this time. Contact picked up again between mum and dad after she informed him. But it was between him and mum only.

He came back for good when she was about 7 and had lost most cognitive and physical function. She died before she was 10. He never met her as they both decided there was no benefit to her life. She had a family unit that she knew. I agreed with his decision not to push contact.

The second guy has children with a relative of mine. He's in a position where he can push for contact and has in the past, but the mum will emotionally punish her children if they go and enjoy time with him. Dragging his kids through court, especially where they have to speak to officials about their parents, is traumatic for them. He has chosen to stop doing it. I agree with his decision. The courts will never award him full custody of the children so they will always see their mother and she will do what she does to them if they have a positive relationship with their father
.

I wouldn’t even contemplate him . A man who doesn’t see is kids has no moral compass

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun

And he's not contributing to his child, at all?

Feeble excuse and lazy with it. Not my kind of person.

I couldn’t be with a man like this. How can you just go about your life knowing you have a child somewhere, no clue weather they are being taken care of or worrying about the rejection they might feel because you haven’t tried, all red flags in my opinion.

I do know a man who went to court to gain access to his child and admittedly it does cost money which not everybody has. But I would want to hear a backstory of a man fighting for his rights, paying child support and trying to figure out what he could do at the very least. Not just shrugging his shoulders "respecting the mothers wishes." Sorry.

I dated a man who was denied access to his daughter.
I was dubious at first but he fought tooth and nail to see her, paid csa, travelled to the other end of the country to court. The mother didn't turn up and eventually was warned she would be arrested if she absconded with her child again.
The man eventually died of pancreatic cancer before getting any kind of access.

That was the only situation in which i would date someone who didn't see his child, one who was actively trying to.

Your guy sounds awful tbh.

He's a selfish arse. Regardless of whether you want children or not, if he can put himself before his own flesh and blood to that extent, he's a deadbeat loser.

Wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

In the case of my narcissist ex, he wasnt interested. Neither was his equally narcissistic old bag of a mother. He is, however, now quite ill with possibly not long left. The tables have turned and his now adult kids arent interested 🤣

If she dumped the baby with its father and didn’t contribute financially then yes I would. But she didn’t do that.

Selfish arse. 100%

Hope YOU are using contraception or you'll be on your own with another child of his.

I would run for the hills. Trust me.

A friend married someone who didn't see his teenage daughter. He went off with someone else when she was pregnant.

she wants nothing to do with him. The child is a whole different story.

I'll never understand why men who are so adamant they don't want children, won't have a vasectomy.

How old is this man?
does he have other children? Ones he is involved with?
does he pay child maintenance ?

That's HIS version remember.

Did he make this decision when he was younger? Paid the maintenance and moved on with his life, thinking one-night stand? Personally, he wouldn't be my kind of person, so I'd pass.

I’d run. He’s either a deadbeat or there’s drama. Neither of which i’d want in my life.

Did he give financial support or at least set aside money in case the child looked for him? He didn’t want to upset the mom with court means he didn’t want to pay most likely. He didn’t want to have a kid, but he has sex. I am
not impressed with this man.

you do know 'paying child maintenance' doesn't make it ok? It is often not voluntary, it's a legal requirement. My child's father pays maintenance because he is forced to not because he has a heart. He has no moral compass.A judge ordered him to pay!