A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

It's amazing how many men duck out of ANY level of parental responsibility by 'respecting the mum's wishes' - which is code for 'I don't want the responsibility, so I've found a way to do nothing for my child and for me to feel justified in doing so'.

Yes it's a red flag, he is the definition of irresponsible and selfish.

They were in a relationship, he didn't want her to keep the pregnancy. She did anyway so the relationship broke down.

Supposing a woman gave up a child for adoption would you judge her?

Ok, not good. Not having a relationship with the mum does not preclude him from having a relationship with his child.

I would walk away because my children’s father has been such a let down. First to me and now to them. My 18 year old gets upset about it sometimes which upsets me and I think how dare someone upset our lovely boy who has done nothing wrong. He walked out when they were 3 and 1 and has missed most of their lives and continues to let them down.

So if someone told me that they didn’t see their child I couldn’t be in a relationship with them. The reason given is a rubbish one if it’s even true. If it’s true then he should still have fought to see the child as the child’s best interests are more important than either adult. He should be paying maintenance regardless and if the mother won’t take it it should be in a savings account ready to help with. Driving lessons/ a car/ uni or whatever when the child turns 18.

If a man isn’t an active parent to his minor child, he isn’t worth dating. It’s not even enough to see them occasionally or pay child support.

Unless he is dealing with the location constraints of military service, he needs to be there doing his share of the parenting.

Regardless the reason he gave me, I wouldn't be able to believe it without speaking and confirming with the mother. That's obviously not going to happen, so I wouldn't continue with the relationship.

Hypothetically, if he showed me he was actively putting money aside, then I might consider it. Probably not.

I would want to know more about it before assuming it was a red flag.
My neighbour split up with his wife, she took their child up to the Scottish highlands and made it very difficult for him to see his dad. As soon as he was old enough, the boy moved back to be with dad.

A decent man would go to the ends of the earth for contact. I would not trust this one an inch. Truly x

Ok but that doesn't stop him from having a relationship with his child does it.

RUN and don’t look back, they’re all nice in the beginning, eventually you’ll see the reasons he doesn’t see his child, eg selfish, no morals, disrespectful, the list goes on

My DB had a one night stand when working in a certain area of the country over 200 miles away from where he lives and she ended up pregnant. It took 4 years to find him because she didn’t know his name. He has nothing to do with the child & has never met them but does pay maintenance. He is now happily married with children to whom he is a wonderful dad. I wouldn’t say it’s always a red flag, sometimes circumstances are unfortunate & it’s not always black and white.

Clare Short, the MP, had a child whilst at university and gave up the child for adoption. She didn't want a child but she didn't want an abortion ( or she found out too late). Would you judge her?

Run. That has nothing to do with the DC who has a deadbeat dad.

Would you label a woman who gave up a child for adoption because she didn't want a child, a deadbeat?

If you proceed, do it with the understanding that if you have children with him you need to be prepared to be a single parent at any given point. Horrible men can play nice easily for a while to get what they want, don’t be sucked in by the good guy act. Only a deep seated nasty bastard would walk away from a life they created, that’s the part to focus on. Not the meals out and the compliments and the “thoughtful” gifts. We’re talking about an actual abandoned child op!!

If they were in relationship why didn’t he want her to continue pregnancy?
And then depending on his answer to the question above why he had sex with her and unprotected on top of everything?

It’s not the same situation

No woman is forced to be a mother. Adoption is an option ( or abortion). I don't think a man can completely give up parental responsibilities. Can he?

Run

Yes this is true, it counts quite alot. But then there are men who do that, don’t have accommodation to have their children there, despite being free and single so to speak, in that they have no day to day responsibilities for kids that means their career is affected. And asked their gf or family to have them at their house.
On top of that a home where the rent is paid for by the state, sorry to me that is wrong. That is a man really having the best of both worlds.

It is the same situation. Before easily available abortion, many women gave up babies for adoption because, like Clare, they were not ready to be mothers. A potential father does not have that right.

A woman can choose not to be financially responsible for a child by having an abortion or giving up the child for adoption. I may be wrong but I don't think a man has that right.

No.
And if he had given the child up for adoption, he wouldn't be a dead beat either.

Its a different situation and really not the gotcha you think it is.

This.
It is very, very common behaviour in men, but to my mind it is sexist.

An unborn baby is an inconvenience, he wants her to have an abortion, never mind what it might do to her mental health.
He somehow thinks he has some kind of 'right' to have sex, to access a woman's body as long as she consents, but he doesn't want to be a dad, never mind that no contraception is 100% effective.
That contraception is her responsibility, not his.

Basically, men who want sex but who want nothing to do with babies, contraception, or pregnancy, as all that is 'nothing to do with him'.
Immature and sexist.