A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

makes no difference, it's not a choice thing that 'good men do because they are kind.' It's a legal requirement! The man still doesn't see his child- he's a douche bag.

Yes, it's a red flag. A friend of mine dated a man who had children (different Mothers) and 1 child he didn't see. He made up some cock-and-bull story that his ex has stopped him from seeing his daughter. To cut a very long story short, she ended up having to do a Clare's Law request, it turned out the reason he didn't see his eldest daughter was because there was an indefinite restraining order against him, he wasn't allowed contact with his daughter or to contact her Mum. I'm not saying that the reason this man doesn't see his child, is as extreme as this but it's entirely possible, and you always should remember, you are only hearing one side of a story. Yes, there are dreadful women out there who are bitter and use their children as weapons, but equally there are a lot of shitty Dad's out there too. The truth is very often somewhere in between, but a man who doesn't see his children, should always be a red flag.

How does this make it better?

There’s your answer. It wasn’t a one night stand that resulted in accidental pregnancy. He didn’t WANT kids in the established relationship he was in and she did. The relationship broke down bc he didn’t want to stay with her and bring up their child. It’s not about being barred from the kids life and respecting the mothers wishes - he didn’t want the kid to be born, he’s unlikely to be bothered about a relationship with them now.

Its fucking irrelevant. He stuck his dick in and didn't want the responsibility.

This could be you being told to terminate.

Run.

Yes it would be for me but I’ve lived through a couple of men being denied access to their children with (genuinely) no valid reason. So whilst I’d be very cautious of this man I know from bitter experience that some women really do use their children as weapons. If I got even a hint that he wasn’t fighting to see his kids, I’d be out of there.

ok, so responded before reading whole thread. Ignore me!!

His name doesn’t begin with B does it? Sounds like the type of shit my ex likes to spout.

Tells people I don’t let him see our ds when in reality he has always been told he is welcome to see him but hasn’t since he was a baby.

I wouldn’t trust any man who doesn’t care about his own flesh and blood.

I suppose it does beg the question, though; who does it benefit to force a man into a child's life who clearly doesn't want to be in it?

We can't force people to be parents, and we shouldn't, I think. Making them contribute financially is pretty much the only responsibility someone can be FORCED to take.

You've obviously never met a controlling, lying, narcissistic mother like my ex DIL, she would stop at nothing to stop my DS seeing his little girl and l mean nothing. In the family court system they are known as the 'we come as a package' brigade. Their policy is if you don't come back to me ,you don't see your child and refuse to split the property/,finances so the man can move on. Unfortunately even these days they can still get away with this for years.

A person who doesn’t see their adult offspring is different than a minor child. An adult offspring might choose to terminate the relationship because of bad parenting or simply because of their own personal issues.

a parent who doesn’t see their minor child is making choice or was denied access in court. It’s entirely different.

It would be a massive red flag. However, before abortion was allowed, some women chose the option of adoption for their unwanted children. How do you view that? Should all parents be forced to take personal responsibility for their children from the moment of conception to the end of their childhood, regardless, or should abortion and voluntary giving up for adoption be allowed? If you think abortion and adoption should be allowed, then you accept that refusal to take long-term responsibility should be allowed in some circumstances.

I do completely agree. I suppose my point was that there are always exceptions. Maybe not many, but they do exist!

Entirely depends and I wouldn't judge until i knew all the facts, most important one being, is this a young child or adult child?

This makes it fair enough in my mind. A woman wouldn’t be judged by a decent person for having an abortion at an early stage in the pregnancy, so I don’t think a man should be judged for making exactly the same choice not to be a parent.

This woman chose to continue a pregnancy knowing that she would be doing it alone, and that’s on her.

You know that men get to make the decision where they put their penis, right?

Huge red flag.

They were in a relationship and she got pregnant. And he thought he could tell her what to do with that pregnancy and handled it in such a way that now she wants nothing to do with him. That’s assuming what he told you is true. A decent guy would respect that it is the woman’s right to choose and that they need to accept that decision. Not tell her what to do.

I would not actually believe what he says. But if it is true that she wanted nothing more to do with him, its more likely that she was well aware by his actions that he would be a horrible father and do his best to make her life miserable if they stayed in touch. If she thought he was a decent person she would probably be happy for him to have contact for the sake of her child.

Abortion and adoption are taking long term responsibility.

Abortion, adoption and refusing to take responsibility for a baby you helped create are all completely different things and can't be compared.

It's not the same because in the first scenario there IS no child to ignore. In the second, the child exists. It's irrelevant why or whose choice it was. Financial support for that child at a bare minimum should be much more enforced than it is.

This was the story with my ex, and it was just the beginning of the lies. Id never go along with it again, it shows extremely poor character. The rest will come out in a drip feed once the best behaviour to lure you in finishes.

Run.

He is not a good man.

No, they are not. They are talking short term responsibility, but in less than a year in the case of adoption, and in a few weeks for an abortion, they will be absolved of all responsibility.

Not wanting to be in his child’s life red flag. If he also doesn’t pay child support I’d say that was a second one.

Massive red flag. Don't walk....RUN away fast and far.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me, and I have dated someone in a similar situation.
BUT I don’t want children myself and have had an abortion in the past (and would again if necessary) which is probably a factor - if you want kids in the future I would think very carefully.