A man who doesn't see his children

[Darkyrees]

If you met a man who seemed great, got one well with his family, financially secure and responsible, lots of friends and hobbies, but he told you he had a child that he didn't see. Would this just be a bit of a red flag that you'd weigh up against every thing else, or would it make you run for the hills?

Let’s look at how you’ve described this man and what makes you feel like he’s a catch:

”Seems great” - EXCEPT as a father or as a partner when it comes to supporting the child they both made

“gets on well with his family” EXCEPT his own daughter 🤦🏻‍♀️

financially secure - BECAUSE he’s not taken the financial hit to his career by being a hands-on parent to the child he brought into the world and probably isn’t contributing a true 50% cost of raising them.

responsible - EXCEPT when it comes to his own child.

So, by your definitions, he doesn’t actually have any of the good attributes you want in a man, does he?

Yes, I was all ready to tell OP to run for the hills, but honestly, he didn't want the child, and was very clear about it. Not much different to a woman giving a child up for adoption. The little girl isn't going to benefit from forced visitation with an uninterested father who didn't want her in the first place. She's much better off with the parent who actually wants to raise her.

He should 100% be paying maintenance though.

He's a walking red flag, never get involved

I have been happily married for decades. If I were to discover that my DH had had a child who he deliberately had no contact with growing up, that would be the end of our marriage.
Op, run away from him.

It might be at odds with everything he's showing you right now, and telling you. But it's the situation. Wild horses wouldn't stop him forging a relationship with his child if he wanted to. Has he pursued access via court? What happened?

Bin. Unless the mother left the country against his wishes, in which case I'd be expecting him to visit every chance he got, this is not something I'd be prepared to overlook, because of what it says about him as a character.

I would be very reluctant to date any man with a child but definitely not in this case.

Someone at work mentioned once that he had a child in his home country with an ex... I have never been able to see him in the same light, I can't believe he moved here and just left his child. Even if the child's mother refused to let him see the child - he should stay in the country and keep trying as hard as he can.

He has taken no responsibility for his child.
I could not get past this

I would walk away because I’ve no interest in a partner for whom having a child wasn’t life changing. And that’s genuinely not judging him in the abstract, it’s just knowing myself and what’s central for me. Nothing trumps your children, for me, so we wouldn’t be right for each other.

It is a bit shitty of him. It isn’t as if he doesn’t know he has a child out there. If what he says is true, the mother obviously didn’t think he would be worth having as a father. It would worry me.

Do you know something, before I would have said run but now I wouldn’t let it put me off if there are valid reasons. My DP doesn’t see his child (yes I agree he could go to court and should) because the mother is an absolute see you next Tuesday. She causes so much arguments, trouble, she’s malicious and vindictive. There are also situations which sounds like yours, the mum wanted a baby, the dad didn’t, I don’t agree with being forced to be a father and pay just because someone made a decision without you

run. I am sure he will be saying something like his crazy ex is not letting him see his child, but its all lies. My husband would go to absolute war with me if I tried to prevent him from seeing our child. Like he would not rest. so I don't think its possible to prevent someone from seeing their kids.

Absolutely not for me. An immediate no.
To be fair though, I'd also have no interest in a man who already has kids that he actually sees having read the endless step parent dramas on here (and from friends in real life).

Does he not worry about the fact that his child is wondering why their Dad never sees them? Or ithat they will grow up to hate him? Has he ever paid any maintenance?

I fell for the crazy ex won't let me see my child routine. Knowing what I know now, it was a tissue of lies. Tread very carefully.

I got pregnant in this situation, but in a very unserious on/off fwb type of thing. Absolutely he was 50% responsible and a better man might have stepped up but going ahead knowing I would be alone was my choice.

We've had no contact for over 20yrs, he's never met his daughter or contributed financially and as far as I am aware she's not hugely concerned by his absence. I believe we have lived a better life by not trying to drag him into it.

I hope he has made better choices since, and I wouldn't want him to be permanently regarded as 'untouchable'.

With that reason...

Definitely No as he's shown what he would do if you get pregnant.

To be fair he hasn't bad mouthed her. Just said that he didn't want a child and she wouldn't get rid of it. I think he feels guilty for upsetting her so wouldn't want to take her to court.

I would also wonder why he thinks that he can be excused from the responsibility of raising a child? and that it can be just left on another person? It's very questionable moral compass and I think this will show up in other areas of life and your relationship later on.

The male contraceptive pill is long overdue ( still 5 years off). It will hopefully mean women won't have to take responsibility for preventing unwanted pregnancies and there will be fewer accidental pregnancies.

The making a decision without you though, doesn't take into account the different psychological implications of having a termination between the father and the mother experiencing the pregnancy. It is a much easier decision for one to make than the other on the whole.

A child is a huge responsibility and both parents should be totally on board. It is not fair on a child to be unwanted.

The pill and other effective contraception methods changed women's lives in the 1960s. Followed by abortion on demand (almost), followed by DNA testing ensuring fathers could be identified and held to account.
Male contraception id not reliably effective and the male pill will help avoid accidental pregnancies.

Ditch, and tell him why.

I had a really nice male friend at work. Thought of him like a son almost i knew he had a son that he didn't see but did pay for. He got married to a woman at our work and they had a son, i have to say she wasn't well liked and she treated him like shit. Eventually she kicked him out for his friend and wouldn't let him see his son. He was absolutely devastated and I had him crying quite a few times. But just before I retired I asked why he didn't see his older boy and he said that he did see him now but his wife had originally stopped him because she didn't like it. I don't know who I think less of honestly. I don't make the effort to contact him now because I am disappointed I him, I know it's probably not my place but there is no excuse.

Wow. So he impregnated someone who said she ‘didn’t want anything to do with him’ and he never fought against that decision? He’s never even met his own child? Of course this is one ginormous red flag, I would run for the hills.