DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

What does her dad think? I don’t think it’s totally concerning but without knowing what your relationship is like and per past behaviour it’s hard to say. What did she do in her gap year?

He seems quite concerned but doesn’t think we can do anything or should say anything.
She travelled for her gap year, SE Asia, Australia, South America and some time in Europe.

Our youngest (22) has just bought his first home. He will be working on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and wants to celebrate NYE with friends in his home. Bit sad but perfectly natural, I think.
They've lives to build. Our eldest, 30, will be at home with her own family but they’ll visit for a few days later in the week. So, take away curry for us after donkey’s years of Christmas faff 😁

Given she’s done this level of travel alone, she just sounds independent and self-sufficient. I wouldn’t be concerned at all.

What are you concerned about though? I’m not trying to minimise it, I just don’t understand what the worry is, has she been in trouble before? She’s obviously quite independent

She's discovering the freedoms of adulthood. I did the same thing my first year of uni, stayed and worked and went out on the piss with my mates and revelled in my new freedom. It's not "concerning", she's finding her way

I guess we are worried that she’s intentionally distancing herself from the family. She was anorexic as a teenager, though in recovery now. As a teen she sort of straddled the line between being super studious, really engaged with her sports, but also going to a lot of parties, tried weed and cocaine, had sex much younger than what most parents would want for their children.
I guess we worry that she is always on the line between being extremely successful or breaking down and throwing it all away.

I think it's concerning. I didn't go home for Christmas at that age (nor older). I think the fact that she didn't want you and her dad to take her to uni, she hasn't been home since starting uni and has no plans to see you, is an indication that there is an issue in the relationship. Has her dad been trying to contact her or as he tried to see her? Or does he leave this all to you? I'd be a bit worried.

There's nothing to be concerned about. A bit sad, absolutely, because obviously you'll miss her on Christmas Day.

She's grown up and has been used to independence as a result of travelling for a year. It's perfectly natural - I was the same after a year away from my family and they definitely struggled with accepting that.

She's a young woman enjoying freedom, wanting to earn for herself and prioritising New Year and her friends. It hurts, but it's perfectly healthy.

I’d take it as a sign that you’ve raised a successful adult. Putting pressure on her will likely have the opposite effect that you want

I can understand why you worry, but her behaviour isn’t currently unusual. When did she last have an issue going off the rails?

Are you certain she’s actually at university? Do you have any solid proof she’s there? Her reluctance to be dropped off with all her belongings, her refusal to let you visit, and now her decision not to come home for Christmas all seem quite suspicious. It gives the impression that something isn’t quite right. I wouldn’t be surprised if she finds another reason to avoid seeing you in the New year. That kind of distance might make sense for a final yr student deep into exams or placements, but for someone just starting out, it feels unusually detached, and not simply a case of ‘growing up.'

How did she get to uni on a train?! Usually there’s a car full of stuff..

I’d try to hold off worrying seeing as she’s such an independent woman already. Hopefully she will see you after the new year like she says.

It could be just independence as people are saying but with her background I can understand why you are a bit concerned . Have you video chatted with her at all? Does her texts seem upbeat or give info about how she is finding uni? Maybe her brother could arrange a meet up . If she continues to be evasive I would probably journey up to see her anyway.

She was anorexic as a teenager, though in recovery now. As a teen she sort of straddled the line between being super studious, really engaged with her sports, but also going to a lot of parties, tried weed and cocaine, had sex much younger than what most parents would want for their children.

Are you concerned about her mental health?

She had a large suitcase with most of her clothes, smaller suitcase with her hair tools, make up etc, her tennis backpack with her tennis stuff and extra shoes etc. then a tote bag with her tech and stuff for the train. She bought the kitchen items/decor/bedding when she arrived.

Dd is very independent. There’s nothing wrong as such with our relationship but I guess she prefers friends and boyfriend to us which I do understand. I do wish we were closer but she just seems to think we’re a bit irrelevant. I probably thought the same about my parents at her age. Dd isn’t coming home for Xmas either. She didn’t last year. She does have a bf abroad so I understand her wanting to see him. And I can understand your dd wanting to earn money. Sort something out for January and make it a nice visit.

She has posted instagram stories from the library/lectures and she FaceTimed us to show us her room once she set it up so I’m fairly confident she is at uni.

I would just plan a nice meal with her in her uni town in Jan. Or if she doesn’t like eating in public (due to the previous anorexia) then see if there is something else there that you could do. This may not be an issue at all in which case go for a nice meal. Otherwise nice coffee, art gallery to walk round or whatever.

We have FaceTimed maybe 3 times total since she left, DH tries to call her more often but usually she lets the call ring out and then messages (all our teens do this though, they act as though they are allergic to picking up the phone). She messages in the family group chat sometimes but not as often as the others. She seems pretty happy, her social media posts suggest she is always busy.

Has her older brother seen her at all since she left for uni?

They went on a day/night out together a few weeks ago but it wasn’t in her uni town or his as they were doing that “soccer Saturday” thing, where you travel to the town of the first team to score a goal on soccer Saturday for a night out.

When I was 19 I would've snapped up the opportunity to work over Christmas for double pay. At that age, I honestly had little interest in Christmas or even that much interest in my family. I also would have preferred a pot noodle and drinks with my friends over a home cooked meal with my family.
I got more interest I'm family, Christmas and good food in my 20s but in my late teens it just didn't matter. I was enjoying being independent and carving out my own life with friends (and lots of partying).

I can understand why you’re concerned. The first term at uni can be very intense. I don’t really know how these things work - can you check in with the uni?

I'd be worried like you OP. Her situation isn't quite the same as others because she has anorexia - and it may be back. (This would make her reluctant to face-time or to appear where you can see her.) It is a horrible illness and does make you hide from the people who love you.

I hope she is just living a great life and feeling too secure in your family's love to worry about needing to meet up with you. It could also be that.