DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

She sounds independent. Why are you comparing her to her brother? It's what she wants. No its not concerning.

So how old is your child/children?

Only double pay for Christmas Day?
I use to get triple pay and working Christmas and Boxing Day use to pay for flights to Thailand for me and my partner later in the year. So worked for us.

Think you’ll have to accept she’s growing up and leading her own life and being independent.

Christmas is so focused on kids now I find the whole thing a bit of a bore.

Although it might seem hard on the rest of the family, some people don't like Christmas, preferring to work that day, and your DSD might be one of them. I'm one of those people; I'd rather have a peaceful day in work, rather than having to travel a long way to join the hustle and bustle of a big family Christmas, which is a bit overwhelming for my anxiety. Alternatively, she might have an issue with certain family member(s), and not want to spend the day with them.

Perhaps she loves the privacy and independence of living away from home, and is trying to prove (to herself, to any family members, etc.) that she can stand on her own two feet. Also, at 19, your family can still seem embarrassing. Students tend to lose this embarrassment, and become normal again, at around 21/22!

Either way, OP, have a good Christmas, and I hope that you get to spend some time with your DSD soon.

Me too. I worked in a hotel at weekends/ holidays. The atmosphere at Christmas was fabulous and the tips were huge. I've never liked Christmas lunch. The freedom of being away from things having to be 'just so' was lovely.

I would absolutely be going to visit her. Take a Xmas hamper. Take her for lunch and make sure you are the house/flat she is living in. Make sure she has everything she needs and is living in a way you are all happy with :) Girls are independent!! But nothing wrong with you being caring and Turing up with gifts and love. It’s a shame isn’t it. We had similar

Maybe she has always missed her mum enormously at Christmas and now she has something that is totally different from the family Christmas that stopped when her mum died.

She suggested they come in January, if they roll up in December uninvited, she is just going to be pissed off and want to see them even less!!

I worked Christmases in hospitality for years when I was young. It was a lot more fun than going home. This young woman is probably far more interested in earning money to support her independent lifestyle than she is in doing the family Christmas of her childhood.

2+ months in, no visits home, no visits to her, barely any video calls, not answering phone calls?

Even if this is her usual MO I would have grave concerns for her op. I'm sorry, but I absolutely think you should be making a surprise visit. My DD is just a regular first year at 19 and I'd have made the 12 hour round trip before now.

She sounds very independent and private which is completely normal for her. It’s perfectly sensible when you work in a restaurant to take as much cash as you can before it slumps in January and February when you are young person with not much money who wants a good new years and good summer. Her brother has seen her in the flesh and will see her again soon and thinks she is fine. It’s a 6 hour journey home - of course she hasn’t been.
One of mine is very independent and private to the point of rudeness - as a pp said “monumentally self centred” at times. He thinks he is a very considerate person as he doesn’t put upon people but it’s honestly just frustrating at times. The secrecy/privacy thing is an overthinking and inward facing trait I think.
I would try to nail her down to a date in January when you can visit, she won’t be working so much and there maybe a natural gap in study in between semester 1 and 2. I suspect this will be your relationship for a few years - you guys worrying and her prioritising almost everything else - work/money/travelling/fun/study over you. I wouldn’t be above telling her she is rude to ignore your calls and you expect to speak to her at least once a fortnight to touch base.

We have 6 kids, 4 have autism. One is in supported housing due to her needs . It’s crazy how your worries are our dreams ( nit drugs obv) ours are unlikely to achieve any of that … one can’t even leave the house without visuals. As parents we can be there (24/7) offer advise and be there for the fallout
I think the key here is to be available for anything that goes wrong .

As an adult child I always found these big family christmas visits a drag and did anything I could to avoid them. If fact I hated christmas so much I deliberately went to non christian countries like Egypt, Morocco etc. I did try explaining my feelings to my parents but they took it personally as you have obviously done.

I agree with the posters upthread who point out that your daughter has travelled extensively and is obviously an independent and relf reliant young woman. This is something to rejoice in because it means that as a parent you have done your job well. Your daughter has launched as a fully fledged adult. It doesnt mean that she no longer loves or needs you. Simply that she has begun to make a life for herself.

One of the things I found as a mature student is that the undergraduates of normal age (18-20) did not really want to socialise much with an older person. It would be like socialising with their parents! Your daughter will obviously want to spend time with people of her own generation so be careful not to come across as needy.

It was shocking to all of us because she was a quiet, nerdy student who was 3rd overall in her class at graduation and did EVERYTHING perfectly and by the book. And it wasnt a controlling BF situation because once her family knew, she was deliriously happy and thrilled to have the baby and said that the BF always wanted to tell her family and it was her decision to keep the secret. Her family supported her/them through the rest fo her college years ad as far as I recall they married and had their careers (Its been 30 years since we graduated). So all well in the end.

In that case, and given what you've said about her always having been quite secretive/private by nature, I think she's probably OK. Sounds like your stepson is on the ball and would be able to talk to you if he was concerned.

She sounds extremely independent and that's a good thing really, provided she knows she can come to you if she needs you.

I'd be concerned too. Sound's like she is intentionally distancing herself which, given her history is alarming.

It’s good step son had eyes on her but is he clued up. A relative was anorexic at uni and clothed she was ok ish, she knew all the tricks to mask it, if you knew to look her wrists etc were shockingly thin. Her mum saw pics she was posting online and they were horrific.

Many posters are advising to leave her alone but I’m willing to bet that precious few of them have direct experience of a situation like this, including the red flags OP mentioned.
yes, xyz may have not gone home at Xmas etcetera and been fine.
Sadly , not all young people are fine. We all, including adults, need a responsible people to keep an eye on us.
I Imagine the pple advising OP not to annoy her are pretty young themselves.

I'm nearly 60, maybe that's pretty young to you, or maybe people of all ages have different opinions.

Anyway the OP has decided to leave visiting to the new year, as requested, and her stepson is seeing step daughter before Christmas, so all well.

Personally I don't understand why anyone could think visiting when not invited, and specifically asked not to, would be a good idea. It would only alienate the step daughter.

She obviously found her independence whilst travelling the world and wants to keep it.

The trouble with families is that you're always the person you were within the family unit. After such a turbulent period in the past, it's no wonder she wants to move away from that idea of her and forge her own path.

We usually have curry too but this year our local shop has closed so it's Cook shop dinner, I think. Enjoy your curry

The trouble with families is that you're always the person you were within the family unit.

@MilleniumOyster You make a very good point. It’s easy to forget how an eating disorder or another serious illness affects the whole family, it can be very difficult for parents to forget how ill their child was and stop worrying that it might happen again. Her DSD may be completely fine, enjoying her independence, and wanting to forget about the past. But her parents will still worry more than if she hadn’t gone through this.

I know someone like this IRL. Her DD (24) had also recovered from anorexia, but her Mum is still very anxious about her, her attitude is noticeably different to the rest of our friends (we all have young adult children).

I don't think that is true at all.

I'm not "young and fancy free" - I've been married for 32 years and have had 2 university aged kids - including vulnerable ones. But unless you have some more worrying signals than "she's independent, wants to work Christmas and prefers to have a family get together in January" then it's just catastrophising. OP does not say her issues were very recent - she managed a gap year of international travel and apparently coped fine. Her brother saw her recently and didn't see any problems. Trying to re-wrap her in cotton-wool is more likely to lead to a permanent breach.

I think it's concerning but I think other than monitoring the situation and trying to get more of a sense of what's going on for her there's a limit to what you can do without pushing her away. I work in mental health with a lot of uni students and it's unusual to not go home for Xmas, I'd be worried that given her history she is relapsing. You sound lovely and supportive.

I didn’t say you should give her more, just that you should have a frank discussion about money and how she’s coping. She may know you don’t have any more money to give and might not want to worry you with how much she’s struggling. Speak to her if you’re worried, even if you can’t do anything to help her.