DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

I doubt the university would tell us anything as she is an adult?

I think it would be a good idea if your DH went to visit her for a day/overnight in the run up to Christmas- it doesn’t matter if she’s working, he can meet up with her when she’s finished and they can spend the evening together. Just to have some one-to-one time with her and ensure that she’s really ok.

She may need to distance herself a bit OP, and she's been clear that she doesn't want a visit from you at the moment. I'd leave it until she invites you. Send her a nice Christmas present and leave her to enjoy being independent. It's a special time for her.

Could her dad go and see her before Christmas? Keep it brief and low key, say he wants to drop off her Christmas presents or take her Christmas shopping or something? Is there something she particularly wants that could be the object of the trip? Is it somewhere possible to go for a quick day trip?

I work in student services at a university and can confirm due to GDPR, we’d only ever do anything if it’s a serious welfare concern - in which case we’d refer on to that team and they’ll try and contact the student but otherwise we can’t even confirm if someone is a student with us (if there’s no consent)

He has suggested this, however she works in a restaurant that generally doesn’t close until 10/11pm and she never wants to share her work schedule. I assume this is because she doesn’t want a surprise visit. It’s also really far away so not easy to do as a quick day trip if he can’t guarantee seeing her.

You sound a lovely caring mum.
Is there a partner on the scene?..is she in a relationship,could that be why ?
I went to uni and never went home again .. literally never went back for more than a couple of hour's visit .. probably twice in the whole 3 years .
But my relationships with my mum and step dad were breaking down..and I had undiagnosed autism..( now diagnosed)
I'd be worried if I was you op ..
I'd be dropping in unexpectedly for a visit and to take her out for a meal.
I'd also ,offer the money she was going to make over Christmas,..as I'd think she must be very short of money to give up Christmas at home voluntarly ,to work .

I agree with you OP. I think it's pretty unusual for a uni student not to go home for Christmas, assuming they have family in the UK. But even accepting she may be quite independent, not seeing you at all for what could be over 4 months is the concerning bit. None of mine came home in term time because they were too busy having fun/working, but we visited once a term and they also came home at some point over the holidays. Could you say, we're coming on X date , we'll see you for dinner even if you can't spend long with us? I would definitely want to see her to make sure there were no mental health concerns.

@Andiey In that case, he could meet her in the afternoon or for lunch to hand over Christmas presents and then go home later when she goes to work.

Even if it’s three/four hour drive each way, I think he should do it, otherwise you’re going to be worrying. My DD (20) is at uni a three-hour plane ride away and I’d honestly be booking a weekend to visit her if I was concerned about her.

It’s hard to know if she is seeing someone, she’s notoriously private with these things. I know it’s going to read like we have treated her awfully but I swear we haven’t, she has just always been hyper independent and private.

It’s a 6 hour drive, and while we can absolutely try, we have no idea when her classes are, when she is working late, when she is working lunchtimes and she won’t tell us so the odds of it being an expensive 12 hour round trip to be in the same situation we were in before is quite high. We don’t have the money really to be doing massive 12 hour round trips often.

I'm sure you haven't treated her badly,you wouldn't be here asking for advice if you didn't care .
But she's been through a lot ,in her life and she could be hiding a relapse
Or she could be in a relationship she's not ready to tell people about .but untill you see her ..you won't know

She might just not see it from your POV to be honest. If she has been independent and travelling she may just want to do her own thing at 19. However I absolutely see your concerns based on her mental health over the years. I think you've got two options, either message with that's a shame please keep open dialogue with us so we can get a date fixed up soon you know where we are if you need to talk. It Would be lovely to explore your university town. Or just come out with the we are concerned about you as you do not want to share our company or catch up with us.

I think you might let off a bomb with the last option though.

Due to work and distance, I’ve been home for one Christmas since I was 18 and I’m now 46. I usually worked Christmas and spent New Year with friends. Aim for a weekend visit to where she is and allow her to set times over the weekend when she is free.

I don't think the Christmas thing is necessarily an issue. Working in a restaurant, especially if she likes her colleagues there, can be quite good fun on Christmas Day and she'll earn a lot of extra money - double time plus generous tips.

I would be a bit concerned about her cagey behaviour in general, though, given that she's had an eating disorder and a history of somewhat risky behaviour in the past. I think it's fairly unusual for a university student not to take up the offer of being taken there by car with all their stuff when they start, and also to have not seen you at all since September is relatively unusual I think. Most students, unless the distance is just crazy, tend to have a weekend visit home here and there or are happy to have their parents come and see their uni and take them out for dinner or whatever. Did her brother say that she seemed well and happy when he saw her?

I would be concerned. Surely we're still parents even when they're older? My surviving parent certainly still keeps in very close contact with my siblings and I.

I'd be concerned because pushing people away can be a sign of depression. All the friends I've known go through suicidal ideation had a phase of pushing the people closest to them away.

My son had a lot of mental health issues at university and ended up having to leave and restart at a different uni ..he didn't come home for a bit ..then it all fell apart and he was back living at home permanently..when he went back to uni he lived at home .so he clearly hadn't coped .
Definitely someone needs to clap eyes on her asap xx

@Andiey She’s not making it easy, is she?!

The university’s website will probably have the Undergraduate Academic Calendar posted so you can see when the exams are and when the term officially ends. It might make sense to visit after the end of term as she’ll only be working then.

My DD hasn’t shared her exam schedule for but I can see the last day of exams on the calendar so I have an idea of when she’ll finish.

Her brother said she seemed healthy and was happy and having fun, which does settle us a little as he’s not the type to lie to us to protect her.

Honestly she has always been like this. Very secretive and cagey with info. We never disciplined harshly, we never stopped them attending parties or going out with friends so I’m not sure why she felt the need to be so secretive. She has also always been very independent. She got her first job straight after her 16th birthday and all through sixth form she did one night a week and most of a Sunday working, we didn’t ask her to do this it was by choice.

She sounds independent and not very close to any of you. You can’t force a relationship she doesn’t want. Would she come if you invited her on holiday or to a family event or something? Got tickets to a show somewhere neutral?

I have a similarly very independent self-sufficient daugher who is now 21 but has been like this since she left home at 18. Her sisters are completely different. It's difficult to navigate as i don't want to hassle her for contact but 2ant to just know she's ok. I've got more used to it over the years, but i feel your pain/worry.

I'm not sure this is helpful speculation.

OP I was like your DSD when I went to uni- very minimal contact with my parents, got a part time job and didn't go home for Christmas or at all during my first term.

I didn't have a bad upbringing, but my mum in particular was definitely more strict than my friend's parents so the second I was off the leash with some independence of my own I revelled in it. By the time the easter holidays rolled round I was desperate to go home for a hot meal and to get my washing done!

I think she'll come back round, and nothing you've said sounds especially concerning to me.

You know her. You're concerned. That's enough.

Social media does not communicate anything and a night out in another town with her brother doesn't show how she's doing either. If you are concerned, and given her history of anorexia and risky behaviour, invent a spurious reason to be in her Uni town overnight and insist on seeing her. That's what I would do even if it was expensive and impractical. The warning bells are ringing.

If you haven’t seen her in person since September it is concerning especially with a history of anorexia. I would sort out a visit before Christmas.