DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

had she lost weight before leaving?

dod you drop her at uni?

Otherwise a close and loving relationship with all whom will be present on Christmas Day? Any half siblings or step?

Agree with this, and maybe she has a lot of unhappy memories in her home town (you mentioned the weed, anorexia, edgy behaviour. Maybe bad stuff happened to her, unrelated to you all, and she would rather move on). Being independent might be because of living without her mum, a skill she learned early emotionally speaking. I think support her in her choice of being independent as it's what she needs.

I would advise to NOT visit her unannounced. She's communicated and put boundaries in place. If you disrespect those it will fracture the relationship even further.

The fact that you even consider this is worrying.

You are concerned, but your concern is not tangible. Nothing is happening now to be concerned about. You need to manage your worry by yourself/with your husband/a third party. Do not let this spill onto your step daughter.

Possibly take a step back and reflect. There is a reason she's distancing herself. Have you missed anything?

Maybe that's just how she wants to live. Maybe there is something she feels she cannot tell you about why the relationship is what it is. In that case it would be on you to reflect why she doesn't feel she can't share it. Or did she share it and you didn't hear it.

Id advise to let her be and respect her decisions.

Whilst i agree pressure is not going to work or be advisable, I would most certainly be concerned and not take this to mean a sign of healthy independence.

Mine is at uni. Everyone comes back for Christmas in their hall (it closed).

They are still young.

This indicates that either anorexia has reared again or she doesn’t want to come back for some reason

I would try your best to go and see her, you could outright say you will all realy miss her over Christmas and could she spare a day or two between Christmas and NYE? Her Uni friends will mostly have gone home so I imagine she will want to come and see you unless she is avoiding you. This or she could have a new love interest!

An old school friend did this first year at uni. Said she had too much school work to prep for 2nd semester and she couldn't get off work. Turns out she was hiding a very visible pregnancy. Which was announced to her family by her boyfriend (whom they previously knew nothing of) when he called from the delivery room to tell them they had just become grandparents to a healthy boy.
Not that this is what SD is up to, OP!!

Congratulations, OP, on bringing up a hardworking, resilient, independent young person - you should genuinely be thrilled that she doesn't just run back to mum and dad at the drop of a hat. She sounds wonderful.

I would also be a bit worried. I am sure she is very capable, and from what you've said has a very independent spirit and is probably absolutely fine!

But I think I would be pushing for a catch up somewhere at some point between now and mid January. I'd say something like you've not seen her, you miss her, you have some things for her for Christmas that you would like to give in person. Maybe the catch up could include her brother as well so it doesn't feel like an intervention.

Good luck!

Could you get her brother to call her and explain he will be so bored at home without her over Christmas and pleaaase can she come? I did this with my brother as kids for holidays etc. when he wouldn't want to come with us to places as a family

Going home for Christmas is hardly “running back to mum and dad” at the drop of a hat.

I hate this kind of sneering of those who don’t ditch their parents at the first sign of puberty. It doesn’t make those parents better parents, you know.

With her history of anorexia yes missing Christmas festive season could be a red flag. I would observe her social photos to see if she’s losing weight.

I’d be concerned with what you have mentioned. Could her dad arrange to go and see her for a couple of hours. If she refuses that you’ll know she doesn’t want you to have eyes on her, no one is too busy to have a cup of coffee with dad (who is probably funding her thousands a year if not on full loan)
Without anorexia background she sounds very independent and working Xmas day is sensible - extra pay and generous tips if she’s waiting on.
My DD’s housemate wasn’t enrolled and kept pretending for a couple of months. I emailed her mum (fellow guarantor) as I had welfare and financial concerns and mum was totally unaware.

This was my first thought. I know a couple of people who have found out that their child hadn't actually gone or left without telling them.

The uni Xmas break is usually several weeks long. It would be unusual for a uk home based student not to see parents at all. Going home for Christmas is very normal and not a sign they are running back to mum and dad.

I think her reasons for not coming home for Christmas are perfectly valid, but YANBU to be concerned that she's essentially put off seeing you until next year. It would cause me to wonder if there's something going on with her that she's hiding from you, like her eating disorder, problems with uni, poor mental health etc. If all is well then great, she's got some great stuff going on, but in your shoes I'd also be digging a little bit deeper.

I agree the history of anorexia is the concerning part. My daughter's did resurface at university caused by a tragic event. I would talk to her again and stress that you really miss her and want to see her - even if it is briefly - before Christmas to give her some gifts. I hope you get to see her and put your mind at rest.

Well, I would agree with whoever said she is clearly a confident and independent adult.

I never went home at Christmas either, I loved having my own space with my friends and had grown out of family Christmases that were quite frankly dull and full of forced jollity and traditions because it was Christmas. I much preferred working for double pay over this period, the money would tide me over the next 2 terms. It didn’t mean I hated my family or had some terrible vice I was hiding from them.

This was the time before mobile phones, and we were too skint for a landline, so I’d call home when I remembered, which wasn’t that often as I was too busy having fun or working, with a spot of studying thrown in. I guess with all the ease of communication nowadays parents are more anxious if they don’t hear from their offspring every couple of days. In the “olden” days it was a lot more normal not to hear from them frequently.

please do not descend on her with an unannounced visit, this happened to me and was really inconvenient and invasive at the time.

I know a graduation manager and she frequently experiences it. Parents blaming her for incompetence missing their child off list, all she can say is you need to speak to yp I can’t divulge information. Some yp have kept pretending for 3 years. Her worse was parents who had flown in long haul for international dc’s ‘graduation’
Like I said above my dc’s housemate has done this this year.

Out of interest @Melassa what was the relationship like with your family at 19? Close? Loving?

I would be concerned though at some universities if you claim you are estranged from parents you get extra cash. I've heard some children who are not estranged claim it but then have to appear estranged.

It does sound like she is trying to get no/minimal contact between your home life and her university life - getting independent is normal but this seems to be more extreme (most would come home at least for a while at Christmas and most would be glad parents offered to take things down) and I would want to know why and that she's happy and not hiding something. If she is happy I think you have to respect her choice though hopefully won't be long term. Her gap year sounds great.

The trouble is that if the anorexia has resurfaced then you're not respecting her decisions or boundaries by staying away, you're respecting the decisions of the anorexia.

I think those saying she's independent/don't step over her boundaries have not experienced children and teens with mental illness because I would agree with them probably if I hadn't.

I work in hospitality and it's really common for the uni students to stay and work over Christmas. It's usually triple time on Christmas day and the tips are fantastic. Our restaurant has a staff meal in the evening and it's really good fun.

It sounds like she's not that fussed about Christmas and is taking the opportunity to earn a bit of extra cash, but it is odd that she's been so adamant about keeping you away from her at Uni. Honestly I wouldn't have let her go on the train, I would have insisted on at least her Dad taking her, although as an adult I get that's pretty hard to force someone into accepting. The idea of letting SD or DD go on their own without a parent to see them get settled in is just really sad and weird to me.

Can you push a bit harder on visiting her at some point between now and Christmas? Maybe instead of asking just say that you are coming to visit and can come on these dates or these dates- which is best for her? Book and AirBnB and don't expect to spend the whole time with her, but I think you need to at least be sure she's OK and see her. Starting Uni is a big adjustment and a big risk factor for EDs.

But her brother has seen her recently and says she's well.