Page 9 | DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

Andiey · 2025-11-20T13:01:24+00:00

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her. Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers. Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space. I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

Franjipanl8r · 21/11/2025 22:22

Andiey · 20/11/2025 22:42

We currently have 3 children in uni between us, between topping up the cost of Accomodation and giving them each £150 a month we just can’t afford more right now, it’s already a stretch to afford that.
Both my children get extra money from their dad so don’t need to work but we just can’t afford to give DSD more, we’d love to but it’s not possible.

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Actually re-reading that, DSD has to work because her mum died and she doesn’t get extra money from her. So DSD is the only child who has to work and your other children don’t! That’s absolutely brutal, why can’t you give DSD more and your own children less so altogether each child has the same?

I’d feel very resentful if I was the only child in the family who had to work to put themselves through uni.

ChikinLikin · 21/11/2025 22:24

Franjipanl8r · 21/11/2025 22:22

Actually re-reading that, DSD has to work because her mum died and she doesn’t get extra money from her. So DSD is the only child who has to work and your other children don’t! That’s absolutely brutal, why can’t you give DSD more and your own children less so altogether each child has the same?

I’d feel very resentful if I was the only child in the family who had to work to put themselves through uni.

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This is worth thinking about.

TheTwenties · 21/11/2025 22:55

Purely from a practical perspective it’s really difficult to get a job whilst at uni in many places, lots of employers want employees not just during term time. If working in retail or hospitality then being available over peak trade is a bit of a pre requisite at the moment. DD works in a restaurant where they all have to work either the Christmas period or the NY period but not both. There are an increasing number of students staying during holiday periods to work. If she wants a social life and has £150 per month to live on she needs to work so it’s a bit of a catch 22.

SixtyPlus · 22/11/2025 09:57

MilleniumOyster · 21/11/2025 17:50

I'm nearly 60, maybe that's pretty young to you, or maybe people of all ages have different opinions.

Anyway the OP has decided to leave visiting to the new year, as requested, and her stepson is seeing step daughter before Christmas, so all well.

Personally I don't understand why anyone could think visiting when not invited, and specifically asked not to, would be a good idea. It would only alienate the step daughter.

She obviously found her independence whilst travelling the world and wants to keep it.

The trouble with families is that you're always the person you were within the family unit. After such a turbulent period in the past, it's no wonder she wants to move away from that idea of her and forge her own path.

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Like I said in my previous post, you don’t appear to have experience of young people in trouble.
This young person MAY be in trouble and in OP’s place, I would want to check this is not the case. I would see that as part of my parental responsibility at any age.
What makes it challenging is that the young person is. It open to this and we don’t know why.
It is a tricky situation, hence OP’s post.
Many people have said to leave her alone but it’s no skin off their nose if it turns out that she IS in trouble.

Lunde · 22/11/2025 11:37

SixtyPlus · 22/11/2025 09:57

Like I said in my previous post, you don’t appear to have experience of young people in trouble.
This young person MAY be in trouble and in OP’s place, I would want to check this is not the case. I would see that as part of my parental responsibility at any age.
What makes it challenging is that the young person is. It open to this and we don’t know why.
It is a tricky situation, hence OP’s post.
Many people have said to leave her alone but it’s no skin off their nose if it turns out that she IS in trouble.

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So basically you don't trust her brother's assessment?

A pp also made a good point that there may be some underlying animosity about financial inequality in the family as she is the only sibling at University who has to work because the 2 step-siblings get money from their dad as well as from OP and her DH - whereas her mum died. So it's possible that she doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy towards her family as OP assumes.

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 12:02

I would be interested in hearing DSD’s account of her childhood in the fmsily

because given her mental health illness, her unhappiness at school, her drug taking, her moving 6 hours away, to not wanting her only parent to even accompany her to uni and now dodging Christmas at home - all points to a very bleak view of what the family home life represents

Cornthin · 22/11/2025 12:02

So it's possible that she doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy towards her family as OP assumes.

Quite clearly this is an epic understatement

Sharptonguedwoman · 22/11/2025 12:36

Andiey · 20/11/2025 13:11

I guess we are worried that she’s intentionally distancing herself from the family. She was anorexic as a teenager, though in recovery now. As a teen she sort of straddled the line between being super studious, really engaged with her sports, but also going to a lot of parties, tried weed and cocaine, had sex much younger than what most parents would want for their children.
I guess we worry that she is always on the line between being extremely successful or breaking down and throwing it all away.

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I would suggest her dad went to visit her.

Hippiedippi · 22/11/2025 20:54

You’ve had loads of comments so not sure if you will see this but I’m a mental health professional at a university.

Please contact the uni, normally via wellbeing services or a serious concern form (info will be on the website). Explain the history and your current concerns. They might not tell you the outcome but they have a duty of care to act on your concerns. If there is any historic risk/self harm pass that on.

Message me if you have any questions.

Ps: For what it’s worth you sound like a wonderful, caring person. Trust your gut xx

SixtySomething · 22/11/2025 23:24

Lunde · 22/11/2025 11:37

So basically you don't trust her brother's assessment?

A pp also made a good point that there may be some underlying animosity about financial inequality in the family as she is the only sibling at University who has to work because the 2 step-siblings get money from their dad as well as from OP and her DH - whereas her mum died. So it's possible that she doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy towards her family as OP assumes.

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So basically you don't trust her brother's assessment?
I have no idea whether to trust her brother's assessment, and nor do you. Perhaps their mother has no idea either. That's why she should follow it up and find out for herself.