DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

Maybe a personality thing. I hated going home for Christmas at around that age, thought it was boring, but I grew back into it later.

I just think people are not factoring that she

• lost her mother at an early age
• showed risky, low self-esteem indicating behaviours as a younger teen than she is now
• suffered from anorexia

So it is not the same as people who come from stable loving families who have no history of risky sexual behaviours, drug taking, or mental illness. That's not to say any of that is the OP or her H's fault but it is the case.

Yes, it's not the end of the world to skip family Christmas to earn some money and have some fun working but this is in combination with secrecy and a general lack of contact with family. Of course it might be fine and hopefully it is but if this were a young person I loved, I would be checking on their welfare even if that were inconvenient for everyone. Even if that's just as a way of communicating to her that you want to respect her boundaries but you also deeply care that she is missing Christmas/ family contact. Then she can't weave herself a little fantasy that you don't to feed any lack of self-esteem/ self-care that may have had chance to grow since you last saw her in September.

yes. Once I went to uni, I never came back for real. Superficially tried few times and was on the bus back the very next morning

How is she financing uni? Is she eligible for student finance? How is she paying for accommodation?

DC is coming home for Christmas but will be staying with partner rather than us and is working in hospitality over Christmas and has asked to work on Christmas Day and any other days where you get extra pay! So not sure we will see much of them. We are having to get used to his independence. But I would be concerned re your DSD's history. Are any siblings near her uni so can more easily pop in to see her?

If she has a job in hospitality and is a long way away I can understand why she might stay up there (I think if DC's partner was local to uni rather than us and had option of job over Christmas there I think they would stay in uni over Christmas). But your DSD's secrecy is concerning linked with her history.

DC's uni accommodation was open over Christmas

Personally I would be pleased shes independent. I wish my first year student son was more like that .

She gets some student loan, which covers most of her rent, we cover the excess and give her £150 a month for food, anything extra she wants on top of that she needs to work for.

Mine isn't that keen to come home but she didn't have masses of friends from school or college (b4 Uni) they seem to prefer New Year as the party time but mine has a thesis due end of Jan as well so she is wanting quiet time for writing with college on hand and her uni stuff in her room. She will come back for a few days this year but usually we are the "Hotel" for visits to the one or two good friends she has here. I will prob go down and see her sometime in Dec but may just be a day trip and catch the last train home type of thing.

If you love them let them go - is my kind of motto here but its hard if you know they have struggled previously as mine has as well.

I can understand the concern given the backstory but I can totally buy her story to be honest. At 19 Christmas doesn’t mean all that much to most anymore, whereas NY is a big deal. She’s snapping up the extra money over Christmas so she can have fun with her friends.

I’d be concerned and want a face to face visit, even if you just meet her for lunch

I don’t think we are going to force a visit in December. We’ve spoke to DSS more and he said he is going to see her is December for a night out and will update us on if there is any reason to be concerned. He said that as far as he knows she’s picking up every shift going in the week before and the week around Christmas as she works with lots of people who do want to travel to be with their family or have kids on school holidays and need the childcare, plus it’s good money and she’s saving up to spend a lot of time travelling in the summer.
We will make sure we do see her in January though.

@Andiey If your DSS is seeing her, that’s reassuring. He obviously knows her health history and will take notice if she seems unwell physically or mentally.

It’s her choice.

she’s going to be paid a lot of money to work, which is invaluable in your first year. Then she is going out with her friends. Why would you not be happy?

No idea if it is concerning sorry, but wanted to share support.
DS1 has thinking he isn't going to come home as he is living his best life away. I am heartbroken.

I will miss him. But that is definitely a me thing and I know he is going to come back at other times, it just feels harder as it is Christmas.

He said that as far as he knows she’s picking up every shift going in the week before and the week around Christmas as she works with lots of people who do want to travel to be with their family or have kids on school holidays and need the childcare

Good for her. Not only is she making good money, she's showing herself to be a reliable employee and considerate co-worker.

On the face of things my initial thoughts were that she sounds sensible to be wanting to work over Christmas. Also totally normal to want to just socialise with friends at new years. However only you can know if there is a wider context to why you are worried.
Can you make a wee visit to her before Christmas? When you’ve spoken to her recently how has she sounded?

Try and see it as a positive that you’ve raised a strong independent girl with your husband. Keep checking in on her of course to know she always can come to you. Xx

It’s never unreasonable to be concerned and worried about people with love. Just shows you have a lovely heart. Kids only cause more worry the older they gets I’ve come to realise x

It's hard to know. I understand why you are concerned due to her risk factors, but she also sounds independent and hard working.
I would be concerned that she has a partner who is trying to isolate her from her family, or that she has relapsed with her ED. Hopefully her brother can see her and assure you all.
If her dad tells her that he really misses her and wants to see her in the next couple of months, do you think she'd come home? Or he / you both could travel to her?

If I was 19, the opportunity to work for double pay would be too good to turn down. It really could be as simple as that.

Her priority will be working if she has no money at all for socialising, travel, clothes or study unless she works. She probably doesn’t want to spend money travelling home even. Have a frank conversation about money as £150 a month for food isn’t much.

We currently have 3 children in uni between us, between topping up the cost of Accomodation and giving them each £150 a month we just can’t afford more right now, it’s already a stretch to afford that.
Both my children get extra money from their dad so don’t need to work but we just can’t afford to give DSD more, we’d love to but it’s not possible.

@ColdToesandWarmHeart Given her health history, I can understand why they’re anxious about not seeing her in person, recovering from anorexia is a long journey. But as her brother is meeting up with her, that’s reassuring.

I think there has been more openness to conversing with parents after he rates of student suicide have gotten media attention when unis were found not ot have contacted parents when there has been serious mental health decline.

It's amazing how things seem to have changed since I went to uni in 1993. There were far fewer self-catering flats and a lot more catered halls. (My niblings were all in self-catering flats for their first years.) The halls were used for conferences etc. during the uni holidays, and almost everyone went home. People didn't want to pay weeks of extra rent and so most worked locally to their home towns in the hols. There were some who had bad home lives and they stuck around, but it was much less common for people to stay on campus over Christmas, outside those circs. It wouldn't make financial sense anyway, given that you have to pay rent and bills and buy food. OP's daughter would save a lot more being at home outside termtime and working locally.

Being honest I think that we as parents put a lot of emphasis on being together at Christmas - my youngest son always has come home for Xmas,even when he was on his gap year in China he flew home to surprise me for Xmas.
A couple of years ago, I became aware that he wasn’t really enjoying coming home the day before Xmas Eve and when we were arranging Christmas I actually said to him, it was his Christmas too and if he was happier to come home on Christmas Eve I completely understood.
I kind of wanted to put it out there that he had options and (sadly) last year he didn’t come home until lunchtime on Christmas Day - it worked well and I can see this being the norm for the next few years.