DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

[Andiey]

DSD is 19, she’s in her first year of uni following a gap year. Her mum passed away when she was a toddler, DH and I have been together for 12 years so I feel as though I have a very close bond with her.
Today she messaged the family group chat saying she won’t be coming home for Christmas. I asked why and she said she has a part time job in her uni town who are offering double pay to work Christmas Day and she’d rather have New Year’s Day off to go out with friends. I asked if we could come and visit her before hand and she said she is really busy with work and uni so it would be better if we waited to see her after new year. We haven’t seen her since she started in September and she was very much against us dropping her off, rather she took the train herself despite many offers.
Her older brother is always happy to come home for Christmas even now he has left uni, as are my own children. I’d go as far to say I don’t know many uni students who aren’t desperate to come home and get food made for them/meet up with old school friends/be back in their own space.
I think her decision not to come home is quite concerning, AIBU?

I'm saying YABU @Andiey because your DSD has her own life, friends, job near Uni, and social circle. My DC when they were at Uni, knew a few people there who went home 2 or 3 weekends a month, and every minute of every holiday, because they didn't like being away from their parents. They seemed really needy and still quite childish. A young adult 'child' who wants to stay around Uni in the holidays, and maybe travel a bit, and doesn't go home very often is far more independent and mature IMO, and will handle adult life better.

Unsurprisingly, the ones who kept going home, are still living with their parents at nearly 30, and the ones who didn't go home very often - like my DC, left home and had their own place by 22-23, and never returned home. I'm not having a go at people who are still living with parents at 30, and I know it's unavoidable sometimes, but there is definitely a pattern. The more clingy 'I need my mum' ones who went home all the time, never left home. And the ones who returned home fairly infrequently moved into their own place as soon as they could.

When my 2 went to Uni, they were there at the same time, as one had a gap year - there's just over a year between them, and when they both left for Uni at the same time, the feeling of emptiness and sadness was palpable. I missed them so much, that my heart ached. They did come home for a few days in early November though, and for Christmas - 2 weeks, (the first year at Uni,) and I have to say I would have been crushed if they'd not come home at Christmas. (I wouldn't have complained or let them know I was bothered though.)

Then they came at Easter for a few days, then shot back to Uni. For the summer, they came home for 2 weeks, and spent the rest of the 7-8 weeks, travelling, going to festivals, and staying at various friends houses. (Also doing casual work for some extra money.) They did spend every Christmas 'at home' though. They both got their own place by 22-23 and never returned home. They live 20 and 30 minutes drive away, so not too far away!

So all you can do is let your DSD live her life, and just bottle your feelings. Just rant on here about it, many Mumsnetters are good listeners. 😍

YANBU to be a bit sad about it though. And I hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway. You can always facetime your DSD on WhatsApp.

I'm sure you are both caring parents but perhaps this post is symptomatic of the issue. Have you and/or husband overstepped in the past? The fact that she would not share her shift rota because she fears you would turn up announced, along with the fact that you appear to be contemplating doing just that, is concerning. I don't think its unusual for a parent not to know when their adult university student child has their lunchbreak, classes or their work pattern is not unusual. However it is unusual that you think appear to think you should or that the reason she hasn't told you is to stop you turning up. I understand that she had anorexia but is there a history of her privacy being invaded?

Yabu, she has her own life. Your going to have to get used to this.

Both my DC have been through uni and always come home for the Xmas hols, as do/did all their mates. Not sure what DD will do this year as now working, but plans to come back for a few days.
Id be more worried about her not allowing you to drop her off or visit - seems very arms length. DD is very independent but we went up at least once a lan academic year to visit and same w DS (and they come home too).
I’d be really sad if DCs didn’t want us there or them come back for visits, and I’m not some clingy mum who felt ‘grief’ when they went to uni or even cried at drop off in the first year.
How much do you FaceTime/call or WhatsApp? All this will be relevant.

It wasn’t not close if you see what I mean? I think it was more my personality rather than any lack of warmth on my family’s side. I was more independent at an early age, I think being the eldest makes you so, plus I was fairly resilient and had always worked as we were short of money growing up. Times were different then.

we do keep in touch more nowadays, but mainly FaceTime as I live in a different country. I travel a lot for work, the odd time I’m in the UK I do pop in to see some of them, but I tend not to go “home” on the few holidays I have. But then my home is here with my now nuclear family.

Given her brother has seen her I would maybe let Christmas slide. Where is she living though? Most halls aren't open over Christmas. Mine closed - a few international students moved into the Japanese exchange halls if they needed to stay over Christmas week.

Let her be. My parents were very smothering and it took me ages to rebuild the relationship because I resented their interference. I actually didn't see them for two years between the ages of 22 and 24, because I needed them to give me space. They realised I meant business when I didn't return calls for over a year.

Together with not wanting to be dropped off, it sounds as if she's desperate to carve out her independence. You're best off going with it. She'll be back.

YANBU for being a bit sad and missing her, but she sounds very competent and independent. Christmas doesn't have to be the only family/special time. I would let her set the pace, unless there are other issues.

She is in self catered halls, at her uni the self catered halls remain open over Christmas but the catered ones do not as far as I know.

How old are your children?

because mine are 19 and 21 and this would be very very unusual and concerning if they did this. We are close and loving. They love uni but they love Christmas at home!

and all their friends going back too and all local friends coming back from uni.

How does anyone buy their own home at 22? That's amazing!

It's possible that Christmas is not a happy time for her - the whole "family togetherness" expectations may just make her sad that her mother is dead.

I would tread lightly here as you might just push her away - really an ambush visit might cause a permanent breach. You say that her brother has seen her recently on nights out and she's OK-

So if she doesn't enjoy Christmas and has the opportunity to earn £1,000s in wages and tips - I can see why she might choose to stay.

Fair enough then - at least you know she isn't sofa surfing at friends' to avoid coming home!

My eldest is in the process of buying his own home at 22. It's a combination of a decent salary (he's an engineer), and some savvy saving as well as an ISA we started for him. It helps that he's as tight as two coats of paint when it comes to treating himself (though not towards others), so he doesn't tend to buy many luxuries beyond ice cream and a nice car!

I think you should try to get some contact, say a FaceTime call, on Christmas Day. Shops will not be open late into the evening I expect.

I would be a bit concerned and want to do a welfare check.

With her Dad, I would be saying that we really do want to see her before Christmas and that you will be coming up for a visit, maybe after term has ended when it will be quieter.

I would be insisting on it, actually. Not necessarily a long visit but enough time that you can see her accommodation and take her out for a meal and check that she is ok/everything is ok.

I though the dsd was working in a restaurant? - likely the busiest day of the year

She's working in a restaurant - December will be her really busy month and her chance to get extra shifts and make more money from work/family dinners

The dsd has said meet up in January

Mine isn’t either, and I am pleased for her. My mother always guilt tripped me into coming home for years, even when I had flights and small children to organise, and it was a real pain. I have encouraged my DD to do what she wants at Christmas- it’s actually better for everyone to avoid the rush, the traffic, and the exhaustion that goes along with that. She has a bar job and her boyfriend and friends with whom to spend the holiday and then we’ll see her in January when all her coursework has been handed in and she has time for a proper break.

I think all you can do is let her know you love her, she’s always welcome home and to let you know if she needs anything.

Being independent is one thing, but not coming home for Christmas two years in a row is a bit cold. I'd be upset about that. Nothing you can do, though.

Was he concerned after seeing her?

ETA I see you’ve answered my question in another post.

At least you know for sure that her halls are open over Christmas, my DD’s weren’t.

Never knew they existed, but you are a decent SM. It is so good to read about your concern.