To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

If you read back your post there is judgement on judgement on judgement about her, on many levels. Not just the smoking. Seriously read it back. Her stilted language, her drinking, her smoking, she seems 'nice enough'. Faint praise.

You think it's disgusting and not sexy - you're not dating her. Your son is. Your son who is 29. A full blown adult. You're worrying about his health anxiety even though he's completely fine and enjoying the situation?

You don't like her. You don't think she's a good match. You are thinking of your son and his future family; you don't envisage how she would fit in. Be honest.

I can't stand smoking either, but seriously, it's nothing to do with you. You're judging her having a drink too? I'd butt out and mind your own unless you want them to distance themselves from you.

I deplore smoking but YABU and very judgemental.

What does his health anxiety have to do with her smoking?

You're right about one thing... it is none of your business.

You're worried about your son's health anxiety so you... point out things you think he should be anxious about?

Seems counter productive

there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell

I suspect that was psychosomatic.

Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?

I think she’s a nice girl, she’s clearly very intelligent, very beautiful etc.
Im not judging her proficiency in English, clearly she is much more intelligent than I am since I only speak English.

I am judging the smoking and drinking every day, but maybe I’m just a judgemental person as I think I judge something about everyone I meet.

I was more wondering if others felt the same as me, even if it wouldn’t disrupt the relationship you have with that person.

I wonder where DS got his health anxiety from…

She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.

And

Im not judging her proficiency in English

Don't go together

I think you’re being a bit precious to say the least. She smokes out of the window, not in the room or over you. And anyway it’s her flat, not yours. You sound determined to find fault with her (eg the comment about her conversation being “forced” because English is her third language - how many languages do you speak OP?)

In short, it’s none of your business.

Acknowledging that due to someone’s first language not being English meant the conversation didn’t flow as smoothly as If we had all been native English speakers, is not the same as judging her proficiency, it’s merely an observation of the situation.

"Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?"

Read back the title of your thread. Nothing do with falling in love immediately. You said REPULSED.

That's a big word.

Repulsed by the smoking, not the person ffs.

Smoking is vile, I completely agree. You are, however, being extremely judgmental towards his GF in many many ways. Her language, smoking, having a drink of an evening.. she’s an adult, as is your DS. He’s been with her 6 months, so none of this is a surprise to him, and he’s happy with her; you should be happy that he’s happy.

Much of your post is you making excuses about how judgemental you’re being. Your DS having health anxiety is one of the most ridiculous excuses to be judgemental towards his GF. You need to butt out.

But in Europe it is more common to smoke (because its so much cheaper than uk) and fairly common to have a glass of wine in the evening albeit with dinner. Its cultural especially in France, Italy, Spain from what ive seen when travelling/living there.

And I wouldnt be concerned at one glass a day, theres many MNers openly say they have a glass every evening. Its when you finish the bottle every evening thats the problem.

That's not how it comes across though

It comes across very, very judgey

'Obviously it’s none of my business'

And that's it, leave it at that.

Don't FFS me. You seem repulsed by quite a lot - not just the smoking. You say something horrible about her and then try and 'soften' it, which doesn't forgive the original offence. Your whole post is unkind about her - someone who cooked you a meal and loves your son. She makes him happy. You are unhappy. Why?

So FFS back to you. Idiot.

She sounds like a lot of fun and very sophisticated, bright, and she is his choice.

The smoke made you feel a little unwell, and it is 'repulsive', that's a lot of drama from you. Her flat and her boyfriend. You will push your son away if you don't check your attitude.

This. Fancy talking about health worries (made up ones) with someone with health anxiety.

She sounds great. And will probably do what I did and give it all up sadly. Let her be young and him be in love with the beautiful interesting person!

Smoking is gross but, as long as she's not doing it in my house, not my business.

The only sentence I agree with in your post is the last one. Nothing in your post is reasonable. It is judgemental and yes YABU.

I think as a parent I would be as concerned by my child's partner smoking the odd cigarette as I would by them having health (or any)anxiety.
I say this as someone who has been a smoker and had significant mental health issues.

@Reookay you're a bit previous in becoming the mil from hell.
Politely, you could wind your neck in if you want a welcome back.

I don’t even know where to start with this. I think you felt out of place around this intelligent and cultured young woman your DS is seeing so have taken to denigrating her because she enjoys a cigarette or 2 in her own home. You sound very uptight and very beige. Perhaps you should seek help with the health anxiety, it’s very unhealthy.