This^ is such a wise post.
Op I think you are being far too overly negative towards your son’s gf.
For example, why focus on conversation being stilted when you could have framed it that she has an amazing gift for languages? To speak three is very impressive!
And that at twenty-five to have a nice flat and serve a lovely meal is pretty good going? I know plenty of 25 year old’s who are still living at home, being cooked for!
First, it’s not your choice. You don’t get to have an opinion about this.
And second, imho, this is just the sort of person your son should be going out with!
Someone who doesn’t have health anxiety, someone who takes a few risks, lives life a little!
When it comes to couples, opposites often attract, and it’s a good thing, because they balance one another out.
Someone in my family is quite anxious, and they went on to marry another quite perfectionist, quite rigidly rules based, anxious person, and together they have raised a very anxious child who is now a very anxious adult. The couple also have lots of good qualities too but it’s not the ideal scenario shall we say because they each confirm one another’s worries all of the time,
Each to their own, but if they had married someone a little more relaxed, who encouraged them to live a little, who took a few risks, who broke a few minor rules (within reason) who didn’t confirm their worries and heap on more anxiety, then the outcome may have been a little different? Who knows?
As the pp said, you need to tread very, very carefully here as you are in danger of damaging your relationship with your son if you don’t trust him to make his own decisions about relationships.
And you know why some children get anxious in the first place? Because their parents are anxious and point out all the pitfalls about doing something, and worry and stress about the decisions they make to the extent that the child gets the message that they are not capable of thinking and acting for themselves,
I am not saying that you are responsible for your son’s anxiety op, but your opening post is full of worries for the future! I think it’s possible that you may not feel on the same page as this young woman as she is very different to you and you find that uncomfortable and challenging. And that is ok. We don’t have to immediately like everyone we meet. But the point is, she is not going out with you! This is all about your son and his choices.
I know you are genuinely worried for your son, And this anxiety comes from a place of love. But op he is nearly thirty years old! He is a grown man!
As mentioned by the op, I think it would be wise to take some time, think about it, step back a bit emotionally, adjust your expectations, hold your own counsel, don’t offer unsolicited advice or opinions and maybe reframe all of this in your head.
Also, I hope your son’s gf doesn’t read Mumsnet, as you have been quite specific!
Good luck!