To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

Poor Sheridan, stuck with an alcoholic fag ash Lil.

Mind your own bloody business. You're trying to taint your son's thoughts about her by whispering about what you see as her flaws. That's a terrible thing to do.

On the one hand of course its repulsive and yes its cultural, Im always surprised and amazed when I see young women smoking in France in particular, much higher rates there than in Spain or Italy for example, it comes as a shock. Men I dont see quite as much which surprises me.

But if he isnt bothered by it, thats up to him.

I wouldnt be able to eat in someones house with the smell of fags though.

You need to step back here, your son has Health Anxiety and seems happy with his new relaxed girlfriend, how would he feel if he knew you were starting threads about her and gossiping about bad habits?

Your son is 29. His girlfriend cooked you a meal. She seems nice.

You can not approve of her smoking and choose not to visit her in her home again. But it's her choice to smoke. Same as to have a drink every night. Sure there are healthier wind down habits to have but it is her life and choice, barely has any impact on your son and really has no impact on you.

Take a step back, try and be welcoming to her amd get to know her as a person if your son is serious about her. And stop judging her and worrying about your almost 30 year old son as though he was 15.

Smoking is disgusting; I’m pretty sure my sons would never date a smoker.

You’ll just have to accept it and say nothing.

😂

HER rage. The irony!

I wouldn’t love this either but if she’s a nice person, treats your son well and he’s happy I think you need to keep your reservations to yourself. I think it’s normal to want your child to have a partner that is healthy and looks after themselves. Maybe in some ways her more relaxed attitude could be helping him with his health anxiety a little? Obviously smoking is terrible and too much alcohol not great (though neither in her case sound extreme) but maybe she’s showing him life can be a bit more balanced?

One of my best friends is a smoker and smokes out the window and I do avoid visiting her house as much as possible because of the smell and not wanting to breathe it in. Smokers know that lots of people don’t like it and I think mostly just accept that’s a non-smokers choice to avoid just as it’s their choice to smoke.

Also it has only been 6 months so just take your sons lead with it, enjoy the fact he’s happy right now and is open and wants to share his life and happiness with you, and don’t look to far ahead. Que sera sera.

That’s what I thought.

He has a nit-picky mother who frets over non-events and by her own admission, judges everyone she meets.

One piece of advice - do not, under any circumstances, voice these judgements to your son. You will alienate him. You will lose him.

Yep 85% of voters are definitely just disagreeing for the sake of it. Don’t be so silly.

I agree. I hate boring and judgemental people.
Im an ex smoker but I do have the occasional fag with an alcoholic drink and I would be round her flat like a shot 😆

She's young. She's living in a country where smoking is increasingly difficult and judged, with heavy health messaging, and with a non smoker. I suspect she may be an ex smoker before too long. And very probably before any GC arrive. Don't with another word let this show again to your son or to her. Because your early attitudes towards her are likely to leave a smell in the air that lingers longer than the smoke.

YANU to be repulsed by smoking. Smokers stink. Their clothes stink, their homes stink, even getting in the lift after a smoker has been in it after their gag break stinks.

if the relationship progressed and they had a baby, unless she quit she would be endangering your grandchild.

My mum smoked, both my brother and I have serious lung issues.

Having to have drink before bed every night is worrying too.

My son's last girlfriend didn't smoke or drink. She was also very moody and I didn't like her much. (I never said so though.) His current girlfriend does occasionally smoke and will have a drink. She's lovely and I'm glad they're moving in together.

I personally don't like smoking and couldn't go out with a smoker.

I don't go around calling it repulsive or spewing the kind of judgmental rage a few posters on this thread have come out with. That's much less pleasant behaviour than smoking.

OPs disappeared. Obviously gone out for a fag.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your fretting is uncalled for.

Well that’s lovely. The smell of smoke on people is worse than BO I’m afraid. It is really repulsive and most people’s response is to gag. There’s nothing judgemental about it, it’s just stating fact. If you smoke, you smell in a way the vast majority of people find unpleasant.

OP, you need to get a grip of yourself quickly, because you do sound very judgy. My MIL is judgy - a real queen of damning with faint praise. After years of trying to get along with her I gave up and left the contact with DH. He takes our DS to see her once or twice a year - he could take them anytime but is a bit lazy but I don’t stop him. Basically, if you don’t make real efforts to like your DIL eventually you won’t be part of their family. Think of that.

Well done you OP for describing the smell of cigarettes as a " scent". I would describe it as an obnoxious stink.

I 'm afraid imo cigarettes smokers are selfish people who put the health of others at risk as well as their own. And far from it being glamorous it is a filthy habit. I also question the intelligence of anyone in these enlightened times who takes up smoking given all the well known health risks, the addictive quality, and the expense of smoking

But. Having said all that if your son is willing to put up with all the downsides of smoking then it really is none of your business. They are adults. Her choice to smoke. His choice to put up with her smoking.

The issue many of us recognise but you are resusting is that your choice of words and phrases do reveal an underlying judgmentalism about her. You need to police that in yourself and make positive efforts to get on with her or eventually, ifvthey start a family, you won’t be part of it (deservedly, frankly). Unless you yourself are utterly perfect with never a bad habit?

Well yes because I would think someone who ‘loves’ a misogynist bully and sex offender like Trump was an absolute arsehole with a completely different set of values and morals to me, whereas I wouldn’t make a moral judgement on someone based on them smoking, even as a non smoker myself.

She sounds quite a catch- your son is probably attracted to her exoticness and independent spirit.

I smoked when I was 25- I def preferred it to my Bf (now husband 😁) and would’ve happily dumped him and his ma before the fags. I couldn’t have cared less what some old woman* thought of my habits. I wasn’t very interested in my BFs parents when I was 25

*that would’ve been my attitude at 25, for sure.

second hand smoke kills