To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

Jesus. You couldn't be more judgemental if you tried.
I love the smell of cigarettes. I've never smoked, but both my parents used to. They're doctors. That's continental Europe for you 😁.
I have to say, cultural differences are a huge gulf.

You are writing as if you never seen a smoking woman before.

you have no idea why or how it can be considered sexy?? Really? 50 years + of beautiful smoking women cinema and print have not clued you up on that?

you just didn’t like her, because she’s your son’s GF, or because she’s not English, or both. Just be honest with yourself

Also I bet “stilted” conversion means that she just didn’t engage much in British performative and flowery small talk 🤣 which is a running joke among non Brits. French are very no nonsense

You sound insufferable.

I’m with you on this one.

Smoking is utterly disgusting and she’s a terrible host for smoking in her home while she has guests.

I grew up with both parents smoking.

My parents smoked in the lounge room and the dining room. They smoked at the dining room table while we ate dinner and they smoked in the car.

I actually thought our lounge room walls were a mustard yellow and a shade of brown in our dining room. It turns out that walls were cream - almost white. The nicotine was so thick on the walls.

I lost my mother to lung cancer and my father has had surgery to remove part of his lungs.

I am physically repulsed by smoking. I’ve ended relationships when I’ve found out they have been smoking. I feel physically sick when I have to breathe it in while I’m out in public.

I worry about my own health and being there for my own child because I was exposed to my parent’s cigarette smoke for 20 years.

I would never visit her house again.

Your son is 29 years old. Back off. If he has health anxiety he can take care of it himself. I have a feeling no woman will ever be good enough you.

I used to know someone, who put me and my dog up for a couple of weeks once. She coughed when the dog was anywhere near her and ordered me to hoover anywhere he’d been every day because she apparently was allergic. Then a few years later she got her own rough coated dog (which shed its coat so definitely not ‘hypoallergenic’) and was absolutely fine. She definitely wasn’t the house proud type and the dog was allowed everywhere, bed, sofa etc. She was a complete drama queen about that and other stuff. Please don’t be like this op. You’ll push your ds away.

As others have said it’s much more common to smoke abroad. According to this 2022 report, 35% of French adults smoke compared to 19% of Brits. https://news.sky.com/story/how-many-people-smoke-these-days-and-do-britons-smoke-more-than-the-french-12630662

I’m also with you on this OP. I personally find smoking in this day and age to be a disgusting habit honestly and the needing to have a ‘glass of something’ before bed is concerning as well. Sounds a bit much for a 25 year old and I’m saying that as a 30 year old woman myself.

I think you have every right to make your observations about her because this is not just some random, this is your son’s GF and could potentially be your future daughter in law. It is reasonable as a mother to have certain standards that you might like your children’s future spouses to meet and I don’t think wanting them to be a non-smoker is an offensive standard to be fair. Keep an open mind about her though and get to know her more.

I don't find smoking cultural at all.
I choose not to spend time near a cigarette.
You can still be smoke free in your own home.

One drink per day would not worry me though I am not a drinker. Alcohol dependence is the cause of much family violence but this woman doesn't seem violent.

Ultimately your DS is the one who chooses his own partner and you have to accept her if you wish to stay as a loving family.

Passive smoking is dangerous and OP's son will be exposed. Plus, smoking kills your eggs, so she's risking fertility issues. And smokers never lessen the habit, they only smoke more, unless they give it up entirely. I wouldn't be impressed with a child's partner who smokes. It also doesn't speak well of her intelligence. How utterly dim do you have to be to have started as a young person today, when we all know the dangers? As for someone saying it's sexy, yes, lung cancer is the sexiest thing imaginable. 🙄 Maybe I've been living in the US too long. No one smokes here.

ETA: The daily drink isn't great either. Recent years have uncovered just how bad for you alcohol is, and how many cancers it's linked to, even one drink a day.

You could've just mentioned the smoking in your post but no you had to include comments about her language skills, personality and drinking. These have nothing to do with her smoking. Anyway I smoke and drank at 25. At 46 I no longer do. So give her time.

What language she speaks, her proficiency in English and whether the conversation flowed is not relevant at all. Why did you mention it?

I think we all understand by now that smoking is a Bad Idea. But you sound scarily fanatical and furious about it. There’s a bit of a difference between chain smoking and having an occasional cigarette after dinner - especially if you have just been hosting your partner’s rather judgmental mother!
I would not condemn anyone as “grim, gross and utterly disgusting” simply because they indulged an unhealthy habit from time to time.
And I don’t smoke before you ask.

Nope, I absolutely don't. Stated clearly it is others choice and I just stay away from it, also stated OP should not be talking about her perfectly valid feelings to her son. How I feel is how I feel and you don't get to police that.

Nobody is being "condemned" by me discussing on an online forum my absolutely true and honest feelings 😄😆

And not just that but I specifically said it was NOT about the fact that it is unhealthy, it's just grim, gross and disgusting to me and always has been.

You do sound enraged about me being honest about how utterly repulsive I find it though. Projection is real.

Oh, and as well as all that, I said "I cannot tolerate being around them, at all, but I would never bring it up in real life, as it is their choice and I can easily stay away from them".

So - nope :)

I can see you didn’t warm to her op. If she had been a young English woman you may have shared more in common, and maybe even underneath there is a fear he will stay with her and be whisked away? Given she is not from the U.K. they may choose to live elsewhere?

I detest smoking, but her habits seem totally in line culturally. Continue to be pleasant and welcoming, try and look for the positives and be sure to be entirely kind in front of your son. Let him make his own decisions and choices.

The fanatical Puritanism of some on MN never fails to astonish and amuse me. Oh no! Somebody has a drink more than once a year (gasp!!) and the odd cigarette (faints!!)

Your son has HAD therapy for his previous health anxiety. It is in the past, or something that he is aware of, not a label or condition to restrict his life

Gee whiz I wonder where he gets his anxiety.

Wow. Your just a tad snooty imo

As long as he's happy then you should try to stop being so judgemental

She sounds great!

As long as she’s not smoking a crack pipe I wouldn’t worry.

I think smoking is disgusting. My lovely in-laws smoked heavily for many years and it was difficult when they visited. However, you are trying to stoke up your DS's health anxiety by pointing out ways his gf isn't living a healthy lifestyle. That is even worse than smoking.

there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.

told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed

I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.

I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally

I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?

followed by

DS has really bad health anxiety

Do you think it’s possible that your forwardness about habits being unhealthy , disgusting, leave you feeling unwell might have something to do with it?