To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

Lungs and liver probably don’t care about different relationships, but I would mind my own business and just let them get on with it. It wouldn't affect my liking her.

I echo all these comments. The "falling in love with" a son's girlfriend is daft and reminds me of when my mother was upset that my younger brother broke up with a girlfriend (brother was 25 and a soldier, deployed abroad a lot), saying "I'd got to really like her - I'm going to tell him not to bring any more girlfriends home, you just get used to them and then he breaks up with them>"

I gently told her that he wasn't obliged to keep seeing someone just because she (mum) might be upset if he didn't and that his choices were nothing to do with her.

I wondered if the son’s health anxiety was caused by an overbearing mother.

This!!

Good thing you’re not dating her then. Your son is. It’s absolutely none of your business and she couldn’t give tuppence for your irrelevant opinion anyway.

I agree, you don't have to fall in love with her, or even think she's all that, just be happy for your son. I am mildly fond of one of my daughter's boyfriends, but certainly not mad for him, and my loyalty and interest is always with my child and their welfare.

She's young, she's from a culture where this is normal, certainly a lot of the continental girls (French, Italian, some Spanish) smoke occasionally in their youth. A few of my colleagues from those regions still smoke. She will most likely give up over the years.

It's lovely of them to invite you over so try to focus on that.

One drink a day makes her an alcoholic?!?!?!

Also she is young, I smoked quite heavily until 27 (living in southern Italy) but haven't since.

Are you intimidated by her intelligence or jealous of your son's adoration of her?

How have you reacted to your son’s other girlfriends? I think you need to bear in mind that it’s possible that this girl you find so ‘repulsive’ could become the gatekeeper between you and future grandchildren. Probs best to keep things cordial ie keep your judgements to yourself

Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?

Oh it definitely takes me a while to warm to the majority of people. However, I think you should be keeping your mouth shut when it comes to the partners of your adult children. What a great way to push them away.

If my Mum criticised any of my partners upon first meeting I certainly would not have taken it well.

She’s 25. Normal behaviour for many 25 year olds. If she was pregnant it would be concerned but she just sounds young and living her life how she wants to. If they are not compatible long term they will work this out themselves!

I want to be her friend as well!!!

The context clues are there that you are an overbearing mother. If my MIL had insinuated while I was dating DH that I was an alcoholic because I liked a glass of wine in the evenings, she'd have got short shrift and been put in her place. The fact that you feel comfortable to say something so judgemental and manipulative to your son, and that he doesn't have the bollocks to tell you to bugger off and mind your own business is a huge red flag.

You should show his fucking diva of a girlfriend this thread and let her decide for herself whether she has the inclination to be part of a family like yours.

First post says it all OP. You don’t like her, you don’t like her lifestyle and frankly, why are you bringing up your sons HA into the mix? That’s for him to sort out, surely??

Oh and you are right, it is none of your business.

I would not go to the house again. I do not date women who smoke as the taste is disgusting to me , but its self choice

I wonder too….

I am laughing myself silly about the idea that health worries relating to smoking is made up.

I also think there is a huge red flag about anyone who can't settle for the night without an alcoholic drink, every night.

The amount of stick this worried mother has got for being judgemental is insane!

Oh, calm down OP. It's just NOT a big deal. If your son was in an abusive relationship then yes, be worried or 'repulsed'. But his girlfriend enjoys a couple of fags and drinks? Come on! He's 29.

Have you ever heard of the 'French paradox'? Essentially rates of heart disease and cancer are often lower in some European countries, despite the higher rates of smoking and alcohol consumption. Possibly because they do things in moderation, eat more healthily, and know how to enjoy life!

Yep my mum always told everyone that smoking wasn’t that bad - she’s had copd and heart failure for a few years now in quite a bit of pain dying from lung cancer. Apparently still nothing to do with smoking!!! Still insisting her children and grandkids should sit in a smoke filled room. The delusion of addiction knows no bounds.

Would that be France which has one of the highest suicide rates in Europe (well above the UK) and a happiness level below the UK and towards the bottom of the table? Mind you if their go to enjoyment is slugging an alcoholic drink each night and smoking some chemicals it’s not surprising

And your comment was unnecessarily nasty.

I was giving context to how I am physically ill when I am around smokers or in an environment that they regularly smoke in.

I would suggest if you don't want to push them even closer together you remain non committal with the odd nod of, yes she's lovely.

This has reminded me of my MIL’s cat’s bum face when I ordered a glass of wine at lunch once in the early years of my relationship with now DH. It’s very rare for me to drink at all these days but I always make sure to do it when she’s around now to wind her up 😃

The pearl clutching is off the scale on this thread 🤣

So many grown adults who are interpreting some third hand words as GOSPEL instead of actually applying some common sense. OP says her son JOKED that his girlfriend can't go to bed without a drink. She just likes a drink in the evening, that's all. There's absolutely not a shred of evidence that points to anything else.

As for the health anxiety. Good grief. She is an adult smoking a couple of cigs in her own flat. If he is worried about his health, he doesn't have to be there. And OP most certainly doesn't have to be there. It's very doubtful the girlfriend would ever have her over the threshold if she knew how unkind and judgemental she actually was. Nobody is saying that smoking isn't harmful, they're pointing out that citing "health anxiety" over a completely unrelated person's smoking habits is ridiculous.

Yep, her rage, and yours - the irony 😂