To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

I wish I was a beautiful, intelligent European woman who ended every night with a skinny cigarette hanging out of what I assume is a beautiful, stylish flat and then having a negroni before bed…where I could watch Netflix in three languages….

ive missed the point haven’t I? I think she sounds fab!

Tell your DS that in future you can hold dinner discussions in your second or third language

You’re a MIL (or potential) so you’re never going to get unbiased opinions on here. I’d give up on this thread if I were you.

You can’t be a MIL or stepmother on here and ask if YABU as the answer is always Yes! Even if you aren’t actually asking that, you are still unreasonable lol

By the way, I dislike smoking too. But I don't use it as a 'smokescreen' for my obvious dislike of a person.

Oh dear. It doesn't look like the thread is going the way you thought it would.

YANBU. I wouldnt want that for my child's partner.

Its judgemental, but big whoop, we all judge

You're very generous. I suspect it was made up (the unwellness, not the smoking).

And that's why YABU. As is the person who made this post.

First post nailed it

It’s cultural. Educate yourself. It’s their equivalent of a bottle of beer and a packet of crisps or a couple of biscuits of an evening in front of the TV. Would you judge her for doing that?

Yuck, smokers are so grim and gross. They always stink too - always. And as for sitting in a room with a nicotine addict - not a chance. Vomit.

Hated it back in the 80s when it was common, loathe it now. Never had anything to do with it being unhealthy, it's just such an ugly, anti social habit.

It's totally imcomparable to any other habit like eating junk or having a drink of course, as those don't stink up the actual air you breathe, linger in your hair, clothes etc and make you stink like a dirty ashtray. It's your air, health and comfort that's being sullied by the grotty smoker, whereas when they drink or eat something you are unaffected. For me it is the stench and reek and smoke itself that is absolutely unacceptable, not the health issues, either way it is the air you have to breathe that is affected.

Being forced to watch a smoker in action is, and always has been, about as sexy as watching someone eat diarrhoea on a sandwich.

Nothing wrong with your feelings. At all.

But there's not much you can do about it I'm afraid, I'd just try and stick to neutral places since most of them are smoke free, thank God, and wait it out.

😂😂😂 are you related to OP?

😅😆😁Are you incapable of understanding that people have opinions that disagree with your own?

No. It's just the dramatic grim and gross is ridiculous. Don't like smoking, yes fine, but to be so angry about smokers🙄

I mean this gently, but I think you need to work on your anxiety and think about the impact that's having on DS. Try to start modelling being relaxed about things, even at this age it could help as it shows him that anxiety/habits of overthinking is something that can be broken down and changed.

You are indeed being ridiculous, imagine pretending you understand for even a fraction of a millisecond how other people feel 🙄 Imagine trying to police a stranger's comments and feelings 🙄

No need to be so enraged that some people find smokers grim, gross and utterly disgusting - as I do.

Nope, don't be daft. she just has to not tell him how she feels and try to stay away from the girlfriend's house, easy peasy. Sorted.

Enraged? I couldn't care less. Wow😂

Who cares if you find it ‘repulsive’ that she has a couple of cigarettes of an evening? You’re not the one fucking her.

The only reasonable thing in your whole post is when you say ‘obviously it’s none of my business’.

I can’t believe you took your son aside to complain that his girlfriend isn’t healthy enough for you because she has one drink before bed. No wonder he’s got health anxiety if that’s how you carry on.

Couldn't care less? 😅 Yes, that's why you're endlessly burbling nonsense and trying to police my comments 😂

It's OK to not like smoking. I don't smoke and hate the smell. But repulsive is a strong emotional word though. I honestly wouldn't give it that much energy. I think being this invested in it will not end well. It's not really any of your business at this point. Your son is an adult. If its fine by him then you need to just accept it. Otherwise you risk pushing him away or alienating her and causing him misery in the process. Over something that's really quite trivial.

Holy crap what are you talking about? I'm not trying to police your comments at all. I'm going to leave now as you're quite obviously trying to start arguments where there don't need to be any

I find smoking utterly and totally repulsive. I mean that sincerely. Being around a smoker is totally vile. So maybe OP just feels the same way I do.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about this feeling, I have found smoking vile and disgusting since childhood. This is not, in any way, hyperbole.

However, now that we are no longer subjected to it in pubs, shops, even hospitals and aeroplanes (it was everywhere in the 80s) I just stay away from smokers altogether. I cannot tolerate being around them, at all, but I would never bring it up in real life, as it is their choice and I can easily stay away from them.

There's nothing at all wrong with what the OP feels, they are her feelings. Her problem is she needs to keep those feelings to herself and needs to stay away from the girlfriend's flat and stick to neutral areas since most are smoke fre.

Holy crap, are you still burbling your rage endlessly? It would be great if you left now since you are just obviously trying to start arguments.

Maybe put your time to better use and learn another language.