To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

[Reookay]

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

You’re right it’s none of your business. As long as your son is happy and she’s a nice person that’s all that matters

Agree with this! Plus, this woman hosted you and “cooked you a lovely meal”. Perhaps focus on that?

Your reaction is extreme. I would be much more disgusted with your judgemental opinions than I would by someone smoking.

She invited you round, made the effort to cook, and all you can do is think about her smoking. It doesn’t make you come across nicely.

This is what I was thinking!

Let's imagine the OP said "AIBU to be repulsed by DS's girlfriend because she loves Trump or Farage". All these oh so tolerant smoking-is-cultural-and-sophisticated people would be falling over themselves with repulsion.

Smoking is gross, but you'll need to put up with it in her flat for the sake of your relationship with your son.

I don’t like smoking either but wouldn’t judge someone for choosing to do it out of the window in their own house. It is cultural btw, lots of European countries have far higher smoking rates than the UK. I think it’s slowed down a little in France but is still fairly high compared to us.

You just sound judgemental and like you were trying to pick faults with her. Drinking a glass of wine each day isn’t the end of the world either.

You’re not dating her, so what’s the problem?

You’re in danger of becoming an MN MIL trope. You’re not dating her, your son is. Stop questioning him on his GF decisions. It’s like you’re trying to set of his anxiety.

When you are worrying about this micro level of detail, yes you are over involved and intrusive and you need to back out. Things that would be worth worrying about and intervening - abuse, control, manipulation, and maybe (but very light touch) a difference in a major dream/value in each partner eg your ds always wanted kids but the partner doesn't and you want to make sure they are happy to give up on their dream. But tbh even this last one is none of your business. You have to let go of him and let him lead his own life. No wonder he suffers health anxiety - it sounds like you do too.

This. What a judgement load of nonsense.

Surprised her armpits and poss hair weren't mentioned because you know, those foreign women are different to us.

Oh it's another one of these! OP: am I being unreasonable? Everyone: yes! OP: No I'm not, youre all misunderstanding me.

Repulsed is such a strong word. And yes you attributing it to her. I don’t know if you’ve seen the series The Girlfriend on Amazon but you are giving those vibes (the overbearing mother). Mind your own business and stop being so judgemental. Your post reeks of ‘this woman is not good enough for my son’ however nicely you try to dress it up.

A lot of people do these sorts of things in their 20s, and are done with it by their 30s. Especially women after pregnancy. I agree you are coming across as very judgmental which isn’t great for your wellbeing either. It might be helpful for you, and your relationship with your son, to try to practice a bit more detachment.

I hate smoking, but that’s my issue.

You felt sick? But it’s your son with health anxiety?

Your post is full of judgement, one drink a night is not an issue.

What could her parents criticise your son for? His health anxiety? That’s not good is it? How would it make you feel if they did that?

Be careful, OP. She's done nothing but be welcoming to you and your response is a tirade on MN. Carry on like this and you'll either drive her away, which will be sad for DS. Or you'll drive them both away, which will be sad for DS and you.
And while you're at it, talk to someone about your own health anxiety. It's pretty extreme.

I'd be mildly disappointed if either of my DDs got with someone who smoked (or vaped), but repulsed? Not if it was only one or two a day. If they chain smoked though, that'd be different.

Also, if her standing at the kitchen window blowing her smoke out said window made you feel unwell then maybe you need to get your own health checked. You sound very dramatic OP.

I also hate smoking but find you post to be littered with judgment and snobbery. Ostensibly it’s about smoking but it then goes onto a litany of uncharitable observations about her English, her drinking habits etc.

I think you need to separate out the figleaf about smoking and be honest about your real motivation which is that you irrationally dislike her.

You can’t help how you feel but I would urge you to do your best not to pass this to your son under the guise of “health concern”. He will see through this a mile off and you risk damaging your relationship.

Why do you need others to validate your feelings? You feel what you feel, they are feelings, you are generating them yourselves, they don’t mean anything.

its also irrelevant what you feel as it’s nothing to do with you.

That’s unfair. I am a MIL. I haven’t always gelled with DS partners but OP sounds like “this woman isn’t good enough for my little soldier”.

Take a step back and chill out OP. And whatever you do, don’t say anything negative about her to DS.

YANBU. Smoking is disgusting, and I would be upset if either of my kids ended up with a smoker. People on here will disagree with you just for the sake of it. In reality no one would be happy in your situation.

You are intrusive and over involved. Your son is nearly 30. You were invited to someone else’s home as a guest and think you’re entitled to judge and pick apart the host.

I suspect you are intimidated by someone who is young and has your son’s attention. How many languages do you speak OP? I hope it is more than 3 while you look down your nose. You are the one who is repulsive I am afraid - and to post this shows you have absolutely no self awareness so you deserve such a harsh response from everyone.

This is a very important stage of parenting and how you handle it will affect the rest of your life. You need to get very clear on the fact that you no longer control your child, and have very little influence. Your advice is not wanted.

In law relationships are very challenging because you’re thrown together with someone you don’t know, may not particularly like, and have to behave as if they’re family, while adjusting to the loss of your own little family dynamic.

You have no idea if this woman will disappear out of his life next week, or if she will be the mother of your gc, the love of his life, and the person who will sit beside you at his funeral, or beside him at yours.

Her drinking and smoking would worry me op and I’m not unsympathetic because I am viscerally repulsed by smoking. But this may be how he is unconsciously addressing his own health anxiety. And you would be wise to take the opportunity for personal growth too.

I’m saying this with more kindness than might come across because this is one of the hardest phases of parenting but it’s not the last phase and being kind and accepting of his choices, confirms his independence and helps him grow into manhood. Trust him to make the right choices for himself. They won’t be the same choices you’d have made for him but that’s the point of personal growth.

I don’t like smoking. I do think you should just MYOB.

faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.

Nah, you're being too precious. Someone sitting there smoking 40 a day might make you unwell, not this. I don't think you're giving the poor girl a chance and picking up on anything that you can be negative about because you simply don't like her. Luckily it's not you dating her!