To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I feel like I've fallen through the looking glass here. The idea that breaking up an otherwise good relationship is preferable to telling a 14 year old that no, he can't bring a potentially troublesome dog that the OP is obviously going to end up looking after (and which the 14 hasn't had that much to do with anyway) into the house, is utterly mad. Why are people saying stuff like the SS 'relies' on the dog, thus painting the OP as some kind of monster? He's barely seen it in six months! It's like there's a cult of dog nutterati of which I've hitherto been unaware!

This. The people who are suggesting a trial run are cynically trying to rope into OP something she will never be able to get out once it happens.

If she posted saying she let the trial happen and the dog is unmanageable, she would be told she would be cruel to re-home the dog now step-son is living with it.

It's like there's a cult of dog nutterati of which I've hitherto been unaware!

😂

The OP should definitely NOT have a trial run. Its got to be hard NO. Why should the buck stop with the OP? The ex acquired the dog.

Again, projecting. It's not 'most likely' they won't pull their weight. We have no idea about either of them.

The kid, yes. No one should be expecting the child to take responsibility.

But the husband... We have no idea.

In our house, we have responsibilities. We meet them. I have a husband and son.

I get enraged about taking on the mental load, and it does my head in that everything in the house is my ultimate responsibility, but things that get delegated, are actioned.

Not every man on the planet is useless. Too many people are assuming the husband and kid are.

Im a step mum. And I would take the dog. I would put boundaries inn place - make it clear I will not look after it etc. if OP has a good relationship then DH will shoulder that burden, but I absolutely would take the dog. When you marry someone with children you have to expect that you will have to do things you wouldn't if you were with someone without children. That's the deal. While not the same, I go on caravan holidays with y DH and child as they bloody love it! i do not. This poor child has been through so much, to add this is cruel.

The kid was mentally and physically abused by his mother and you want to deny him his dog. His only sense of security and love??? I don’t like cats and am allergic to them but if this was a cat I would suck it up and make the best of it.

Why is everyone blaming the OP, and not the ex? Its the ex who has changed the goal posts

He’s already been through a lot at the hands of his mum and if OP allows the dog to be rehomed, he will likely blame her. Yes his mum did it, but OP could have stopped it, and although his dad recognised his need for the dog, he put his partners wishes first.

That's why parents need to put on a united front. OP's DH should take his wife's wishes into consideration (the one who will be left with the dog) and then tell DS that they can't take in the dog.

Why do you think OP and her DH should present a divided front?

Because it's always the step-mum's fault. That's the law.

Easy to say when you're living in your cat-free, allergy free home, isn't?

You don't even like birds, how would you handle a destructive dog in your home?

I wouldn’t want an untrained, destructive dog coming to live in my house, especially if I had younger children living with me. @ThickOfThorns if your DH is so keen to keep the dog, is he prepared to ask for flexible working arrangements or a cut to his working hours to be able to look after it? It’s ok to say no, I am not able to care for a dog as well as looking after everyone else in this house.

Yabvu
He needs that dog

I've had dogs for over 20 years. They are a big tie and vets fees are astronomical especially when they get old.

I'd agree to the dog but before taking it on you need put boundaries in place. So DH and DSS walk the dog, clean up after the dog, and either come home at lunch time to take it out or arrange and pay for a walker. The house will need a lot more cleaning, so who is doing that? Not you. Vets fees, how will they be settled? Insurance? Everything needs to be agreed up front. Also agree that if things start to slide and all of a sudden all dog related jobs are falling to you it will be re-homed. Hopefully that will be an empty threat because no one wants re-home a family pet.

Your job is to be kind to the dog, it will be adjusting too.

I had a dog as a child. He was my only friend when I went through a very difficult period and that dog honestly saved me. The unconditional love dogs have for their family is something else. They understand emotions in a way humans can't.

You might end up loving the dog too.

What about boarding school, OP? Can you send your kids to boarding school so the dog can live with you safely?

If course, by the time you're paying for one child, it would probably be cheaper to house your DH, DSS and the dog separately and buy the dog a gold kennel....

It sounds like the mother has serious mental health problems and can't cope.

It's probably not safe for her to have the dog on her own either given the breed.

I think helping her to re-home the dog would be the best solution at this point to avoid the dog being released into the wild so to speak which is a risk given the circumstances.

That at least would reassure your DSS that it will be happy and safe which will relieve a lot of stress.

Originally i was wanting the dog to be with DSS but it will be OPs full responsibility, walks, training, grooming, feeding, monitoring, also holidays! kennels? 24 hour a day 365 days a year job she doesnt want. It feels like DSs mother is emotionally abusing OP now. Your DH should be listening to you, respect and understand how much will change in the household, dont be manipulated into doing something you dont want to do, your DH can take the dog to work and wherever else he goes if he really wants it. Im an animal lover but i wouldnt want to be forced to take an unruly destructive dog into my home and watch it like a hawk 24/7

People have emotional support animals for a reason.
Also - I wouldn't be happy sending the dog away - yes, it's an animal but it has feelings too. Seems awfully unfair you can just get rid of an animal because it is "inconvenient"

I think helping her to re-home the dog would be the best solution at this point to avoid the dog being released into the wild so to speak which is a risk given the circumstances.

Fair enough, but if anyone helps her with this, it should be boy's father, not the OP

This. I too am a stepmum and completely agree that’s the deal. At 14 a boy is perfectly able to take responsibility for feeding and exercising a dog, remembering when its vaccinations are due and all the non financial aspects of dog ownership. That’s a boundary, he has to do it. If I were OP’s husband it would be a deal breaker for me.

Hardly, as a lot of us who are empathising with the boy are not dog owners and don’t want to be. This isn’t a debate between those who love dogs and those who don’t.

I can now see that it’s a lot more complicated than it first appeared before your update, OP. I know that abusers do use dogs to manipulate the situation, my DSis’s abusive XH did this. (Thankfully they split up years ago.)

But if the dog is rehomed, please make sure you handle it in such a way that your DSS can be involved in the process. I say this because I caused DD1 (now 16) a lot of upset when I had to rehome one of our cats 10 years ago. (We weren’t able to arrange for her to see the cat again despite promising that we would. Because the email address which the new owner had given us bounced despite her agreeing to the request for DD1 to be able to see the cat in her new home.)

Is there a friend/family member/neighbour who could take the dog in, so that DSS could visit it and maybe take it for walks?

A dog is a want not a need.

Even if it was her biological son I would be saying no.

If she - the person who will be doing most of the heavy lifting of dog care - doesn't have capacity then that is the end of it.

Parents and step-parents do not have to self flagellate to be doing the best they can for the children they are responsible for.

If you do not want a dog in you home that is totally reasonable. Your DSS needs therapy not an untrained and destructive animal.

The way some posters are going on I wouldn't be surprised if it's suggested that the OP moves into a kennel in order that this canine Jesus can move into her house.

In OPs shoes this is what I would do, and if it isn't agreeable and kept to then the you know what happens.
I don't like dogs that much but I can see it from the lads pov. But his dog, he takes bulk of its care and walks. P can finance vet bills etc.
But I would possibly reconsider the relationship, I personally wouldn't have a dog ever for personal reasons.

If I was DH I would move out and live separately with DSS and his dog. I think he needs to put his son first rather than a new partner and if you're (rightly) unable to live with this dog then you'll have to live separately