To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I was going to say exactly this. @ThickOfThorns I can totally empathise with you not wanting to a dog. But I think in these circumstances the boys needs and preferences trump yours. Unless there is some medical reason why you can't be in the same house as a dog.

Just set some clear boundaries in terms of care for the dog. (Assuming he's old enough) The dog will be your Step sons responsibility and any financial commitment is down to your DH.

I'm with your husband on this. Your stepson has gone through a lot and to then loose his dog will be devastating for him.

An untrained bull terrier are you absouletly mad?

The boy has been seperated from it for 6mths. A dog is a lot of work, and cost.
The dog is likely to have a level of trauma and be unpredicable.

After XL Bullys were banned in England there was one which was rehomed in Scotland within 2 weeks it was shot dead by police.
There is CCTV footage of it just like a normal dog in a shop. On the way home from the shop it turned on a random, the new owner tried to stop it and it turned on the new owner.

Op I'd maybe consider it if it was a well trained wee fluff ball but not a bull terrier of any type cross.

Because she’s the stepmum 🙄.

Good luck to him with that if the OP's paying for lots of stuff and he's frequently at work till late.

I know 14 isn't a small child, but it's deluded to think that leaving DSS in sole charge of a difficult dog for long periods of time is going to be in his best interests. The husband would have to cut his working hours and then there'd be even less money.

It’s the stepmum’s job to resolve the sins of the mother. The mother likely has ‘mental problems and cannot cope’ (excusing the abuse), but it’s OP who is absolutely evil for not wanting an untrained bull cross that the ex couldn’t cope with either.

A dog only works if everyone in the family is on board with it. Just say no and hold form. His Mum bought it so it is her problem not yours. Just keep reminding DH of that.

You said the dog slept on DSS bed.

No, it’s mainly because the bio mum isn’t on the thread, I think. Posters are answering the OP’s questions. There have been strong words about the bio mum for manipulating the situation (no one has tried to defend her), and there would be far more if she were the OP.

Where have people got the idea that it is an aggressive dog?!? It’s an English bull terrier! They aren’t dogs known for being aggressive towards people at all. I am actually the first to think XL bully’s shouldn’t be allowed at all but EBT are an established breed, their character is well known and they are generally excellent family dogs, much the same as Staffordshire bull terriers.
I think people who aren’t particularly knowledgeable about dogs are getting them confused because of the name.

But the op isn’t anti dog or anti living with a dog, she just dosnt want this dog because she hasn’t picked it herself. It has nothing to do with her mental health, she obviously isn’t traumatised by dogs, but the child she’s living with has been extremely traumatised and now she wants to make that worse because of some arbitrary “ethical” reasons that don’t make sense.

OP’s DSS has been through a huge amount of trauma, and that dog was the one constant during his darkest, loneliest moments with his mum. People seriously underestimate the companionship, comfort and emotional safety a dog can give a child, often more than friends or even parents, especially for a 14-year-old boy who may not feel able to open up to anyone. The dog sleeping in his bed wasn’t random; it was his comfort and his protector.

And just because he hasn’t spoken about the dog to OP doesn’t mean he hasn’t been thinking about it or talking about it with his dad. He mentioned the dog a lot at the start, and he’s only been living with his step-family for a short period of time, he may not feel fully settled or ready to share everything yet.

It’s one thing believing your dog is still at home and you can see him again; it’s another to suddenly be told he’s being sent to a shelter. This boy has already had all control taken away from him. The abuse must have been serious for a court order to be in place. It’s worrying that some people cannot comprehend how much emotional security this dog provides for him.

this. Under normal circs I'd be on team don't have a dog unless you want one but this is not about the dog, its about the child. This, to me, makes your points 2 and 3 irrelevant. Point 1 is the one where I'd say yes its a thing you don't want but its a thing this child NEEDS. Please don't put an abused child through more pain and please don't use the dog as part of your (understandable) hostility towards his mother.

canine Jesus

Love it! 🤣

Don't give them any ideas ffs!

All we need now is the mother-in-law in the mix, and the outraged mumsnetters will explode.

I’d take the dog too. Think your step son would really appreciate it and you can train it how you want it even though it’s an adult dog.

Maybe a parking space also!

Of course OP can also end the relationship over it if she wants to.

I agree and if he refuses that would set off alarm bells for me.

Was he just unlucky to end up married to someone with serious mental health issues (his ex) or was he a contributor in any way?

If basic empathy reads as ‘worship’ to you, maybe it’s not just the dog who needs training. And for the record, nothing in this thread is funny, it’s someone’s reality. 🙄

Oh give over, and direct your virtue signalling at someone else.

I'm with you!!

The dog will become your responsibility. Say no.

FFS read the thread some of you - he hasn't seen the dog for 6 months so he doesn't need it - this is emotional manipulation as the Op says. Probably most of you don't have a dog! I have a dog who I love but she takes a lot of time, care and attention from me and guess who would have to do this - the Op. Better she offers to help the Mum rehome it and guess what I bet the Mum doesn't want to do that! As the Op says should she take in all the other pets they have. Stop being over emotional about a dog and be realistic and try and give the Op some helpful advice!

Agree with this - I am no fan of dogs and would need to take my reliever inhaler more often if I had one BUT in these circumstances I would allow the dog