To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that DH and I should split up, that DSS should be taken away from one of the only safe, responsible adults in his life, away from his siblings so he can keep a dog that has never been a part of his household here.

Sure we don’t know that the husband and son will be shit with the dog. But why take the risk.

Better to look at worst case in this case.

Worst case. Op ends up looking after paying for and trying to train a dog she didn’t want and wasn’t picked because it was the right dog but because it was forced upon them. It lives a good 80 percent of its time locked in a crate / room.

Best case. Husband and child step up. But that’s still not going to actually cover the times they are both at work and school and op is home leaving her to still look after the dog regularly.

Would I take the gamble on an untrained dog that’s known to destroy things in the house? No.

Would I maybe look into getting a new suited dog for the family home? Maybe. One that was picked because its traits would suit the home and time we would have to give it. One that came from health tested parents. Would I buy one for £200 from the pub nope.

That maybe would also come with the prove yourself. Getting up at 6am to “walk” the dog. Going out at 6pm all weathers to “walk” the dog. Watching videos on dog training, reading books on dog behaviour. Not sure how we prove the poo pick. Maybe throw some rocks around the garden they have to pick up daily 🤣 so you have proved like a PP said for a month and we can talk. Till then I’m not looking after a dog.

It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that DH and I should split up, that DSS should be taken away from one of the only safe, responsible adults in his life, away from his siblings so he can keep a dog that has never been a part of his household here.

It slept on his bed elsewhere. 🤷‍♀️

I'd give it a go with strict criteria.

1. That the dog is properly trained. It is possible to train an adult dog and they are better for having boundaries.
2. That husband and son take a lot of responsibility for the dog, feeding, exercise, training and generally caring.

It will take time but could be worth it, quite rewarding, in the end.

What has that got to do with anything the Op has posted?

I couldn't do this in your position, as I am nervous of dogs and no matter how much I loved my stepson I just wouldn't ever live with any kind of dog or want to deal with the poo. I can manage out and about in the world but wouldn't have one in my house.

There are people on this thread who are dog people and see pets as part and parcel of daily life, and they can't understand why it would be such a huge undertaking I'm sure. Essentially it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, it's your home and life and up to you to decide if you can manage a dog. If you can then great for stepson.

I will say that it would be horrible in my opinion to refuse this dog and then get a different one of your choosing in the future. So I'd either have this dog, if you decide you can, or no dog at all.

It isn’t ridiculous. In your DH’s shoes, I would leave you before I’d let the dog go to a rescue. DSS would never get over it

I liked the way the poster had clearly given no thought at all to the upheaval for DSS, finances or what DH was going to do for 2 nights a week when he's out til nearly midnight. It added a certain je ne sais quoi.

Ok. How would you work till 11 and away two days a week when the OP is providing all childcare and also finances the SS?

if the dss was so attached to the dog surely he would have been pressing for the dog to live with them before now. a marriage and family come before a dog.

At the end of the day it is not OP who would send the dog to a rescue but the ex wife who took the dog on, failed to look after it properly, appears to be a lax dog owner & not followed through on the responsibility of owning a dog.

making out the OP is responsible for the dog she does not have, or signed up for, is nuts.

I would move hell and high water to find a nice home for the dog, I would devote my life to this and even pay someone to take the dog, give it a happy home away from you. That’s what I would do anyway.

No way would I take the dog either.

He needs to keep re-marrying until he finds a step-mum who will obey.

It added a certain je ne sais quoi.

Yep, a je ne sais jacque shit 😂

So the whole family should live apart - on account of a dog?!

I understand your sentiment - if my DH ever asked me to choose between him and my dog, my dog gets priority 100%. I made that choice between my horse and my boyfriend at age 21 and it's always been that way 😁

However you're talking about a marriage and a family home in which there is currently no dog. An otherwise happy and stable one. A teen whose mother is so abusive that SS has severely restricted contact. A stepmum who is actively playing the role of mother figure. Two young children in their nuclear family home.

For all that I, as the DH, might be really upset if my partner didn't want to bring my traumatised son's dog into our home, I don't think that removing my poor traumatised child's stable family home and stable sensible stepmother, and splitting up the stable and healthy family for my two younger children, is worth it so that my child could be reunited with their dog.

The stepmother and a stable home for all three children aren't worth less than the dog.

It's bonkers that this even needs to be pointed out!

I wouldn’t take the dog, the mum is being emotionally manipulative and abusive through now the dog with threats of rehoming it.
A dog is a huge commitment, financially and time wise and when my sd mum bought a dog I made very clear that I would never be having the dog and was told that’ll never happen. It did happen, as mum wanted rid of him after three years as she found it too much of a tie. Absolutely awful situation but ultimately this is on his mum

What an awful conundrum. On one level, I am absolutely team dog. Get the dog and the child away from an awful background and most children are the better for having a pet. Even if DSS hasn't mentioned the dog, perhaps he thought it was safe with mum. maybe he needs something that's his, not his new family's, no matter how lovely they are. DSS's mum sounds appalling.

In truth, I can't see a good way forward here. Whatever you decide, in 2 years your DSS will be heading for 6th form college or whatever, gone for hours and hours a day and out with friends. (My DD was gone from 7.30-5-30 most days) A hamster? A mature cat? Probably too old for a guinea pig though they are delightful, they do live a long time.

The Dog's Trust say they will never put down a healthy dog, so it's a safe landing for the poor dog. Dogs are an enormous responsibility and this one needs professional help. DH needs to explain that right now, it's too hard to take the dog but perhaps a different pet? I wish I had a better answer.

And her son isnt?

Her son is a part of her DH, the dog isn't.

But also a constant reminder of his mum

Her reasons were:
-She doesn't want any pets
-If she did have a dog, she would want a certain ethically sourced.
-She doesn't want further manipulation from the Mum.

She hasn't said that she has tried it out to see how it goes. She mentions that she can't leave the dog unsupervised with her other children, this is the case with all dogs whether ethically sourced or not.
She hasn't stated what her DH or DSS has suggested to alleviate her concerns. Dogs canbe trained.
Also her life being upended is pretty much happening anyway with the arrival of DSS. This child has been abused and lost his mother. The reasons stated by OP herself don't really hold up to the alternative.
Also, many people have dogs when working 2 days long hours. There are doggy day care, dog walkers, dog trainers plus the DSS himself. I know many people who work long hours but still manage to walk their dog.

Being described as step mum hating dog lovers is a bit pathetic. These are valid points about an abused child and his dog that he grew very attached too. I can't believe OP isn't even giving it a try.

OP what has DH suggested?

I love my DSS and treat him just as I do my biological children. I wouldn’t let a family member foist a dog / cat / fish off on them either. Why should I now be responsible for an animal I never agreed to, and never would have agreed to?

The comments stating I just let my DH and DSS look after it are ridiculous too. DH works long hours, he has a demanding job that involves nights away in various parts of the country. My DSS is 14, at school or travelling to and from 9 hours a day. I suppose I’d just ignore it barking / chewing / pooing / weeing during those time periods?

Could you explain to your SS that it wouldn’t be practical or possible to have the dog and that it is better he is rehomed by someone who has the time for it. Maybe buy a guinea pig or another animal that you find acceptable for your SS.

The reason I don’t want to ‘give it a try’, is let’s be honest, if I ‘give it a try’, we will end up keeping the dog and I’ll be the one caring for and paying for it. Imagine it comes into the house for a month and I then say, ‘oh it’s not working, let’s rehome it.’ Then I will really be called the wicked stepmother!