To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

What a splendid idea! The wider family moves out, and the dog moves in. Perfect :) This will satisfy dog lovers and stepmum haters. And the ex.

Blimey OP, I've never read such a steaming pile of sanctimonious twaddle - not even on Mumsnet

Dogs have special healing power, you will 100% destroy this boys life - pass the sick bucket!

The boy hasn't missed the dog until mum throws this depth charge into the situation. The dog needs to go somewhere where it will be properly looked after, not used as a weapon in a messed up family, where the person who will end up with the lions share doesn't want it

Stand your ground, no dog

This isn't just about disappointing your DSS, it's about the safety and wellbeing of all your family and the wellbeing of the dog. "I know you really really want the dog, and I'm so sorry that we can't have him here with us- we don't have the time to be able to train or look after him properly, so it wouldn't be safe, that's not ok for the dog, or for the family." No 1 must be the safety of all the children in the home, if the dog's an unknown, untrained bull terrier cross that you don't logistically have time to look after and can't leave in a room with all the kids, that's not ok. I would explain it on this basis. You're absolutely right that it's emotional manipulation, and not in the best interests of the dog, stick to your instincts...

@ThickOfThorns sounds like the SS's mother is using the dog as emotional abuse. I would not have a dog in my house. Surely it is the ex's dog. She bought it and is responsible for it.
There are a lot of dog people on here that will say take the dog otherwise you are an evil harridan. I would not take the dog.

And I'm sure the OP works from home!!!!

It's not the dog's fault it's not a pedigree :-( Some mongrels are the friendliest kind.

Team Dog here

I agree that you should have the dog but make sure that it goes to obedience classes and is crate trained. Invest in a stair gate or two so that you can zone off areas if needed.

How long has the dog been in your DSS possession?
That's is a key factor to consider.
If the animal was acquired while your DH was still married to his ex then it would have been the family pet rather than his ex's sole responsibility.

Yes that was abundantly clear.

But people are affected here - perhaps you haven't had the joy of dealing with children who have been given responsibility for a dog but also prevented from carrying out that role properly by the arbitrary rules the adult puts on them.

It is heartbreaking, they are powerless to actually do anything to alleviate their animals suffering, they get a ton of pressure from the adult to stop the dog doing whatever unwanted behaviour (in your suggestion thats liable to be barking/howling/digging/trashing things/escaping) and then ultimatums and threats that if they can't resolve the issue the dog will have to go... But they cannot resolve the issue because the solution is something they're not allowed to do.

To do that to a child already experiencing emotional abuse and manipulative controlling abuse from a parent is a horrific suggestion - not sure people are as important to you as you like to think!

Its a bull terrier cross, crossed with what?
With potential trauma, half trained.
I wouldn't be giving it house room.

Come on, the Internet has already broken once this week!

I wouldn’t be trusting that dog around children.

I don't think dog ownership martyrdom should be imposed on the OP. However maybe there is some kind of compromise ...

If there is a relative, neighbour or someone living nearby who would rather like to take in Ddog, but would also be happy for DSS to take it out for walks, would that not be a solution?

Perhaps enquiries could be made.

Just say no OP. You have made it clear you don't want the dog.

As for others saying give it a trial period. I think that would be worse for the dog, you and DSS as it would just be more upset if it doesn't work out. And it's unlikely to work out if the dog is already problematic, you're left with the work, etc. And, as you have said your DH works long hours and the dog has not really been missed before by your DSS.

You mentioned perhaps wanting a dog in the future but I assume this would be a dog of your choosing and when you can give a dog the right amount of time and energy to train and look after.

For people to berate you for not taking the dog is rather sad and shocking. You are definitely correct in not considering a dog who may be harmful to your household. I would be having strong words with your DH. He shouldn't be forcing you to capitulate on something you feel strongly about. Perhaps, he could spend some money on counselling for his son?

How do we know OP will end up responsible? We know nothing about her DSS or her DH. If the dog bonded with DSS more than his mum, it is likely that he was doing most of the care when he lived there.

And why are there so many inept 14-year-olds? If your NT 14-year-old is unable or unwilling to cater to the needs of an animal who is solely reliant on the people around it for care, that is a parenting/empathy failure, not an issue with the dog.

And why do we think the dog will be dangerous for the other children? OP has said the dog is not aggressive. In all likelihood, the dog will bring joy to the other children in the house.

All you say is not really a given though.

We don't really know that the DH and DSS will step up but given that the DH works long hours it's perhaps right to assume a lot of the care would be left to OP. And there's no guarantee a 14 year old will step up either.

Because the OP has posted:

I am hardly a wicked stepmother. I’ve embraced DSS with open arms, I take responsibility for him financially (his mother pays £0 maintenance), I do school runs, friend drop offs, buy him gifts, cook his dinners and take on all motherly duties.

My DH works long hours, twice a week he is out from 6am - 11pm. Who is looking after the dog on those two days? It’s all well and good saying that DSS will, but the reality is, if he refuses or is too lazy or is seeing friends, it will be up to me to look after the dog.

She's the child's mother in every functional sense, doing school runs, feeding him, facilitating his social life etc. Presumably this is because the child's father works long hours.

The 14 year old is a child who has very much experienced parenting failure, as you put it. He's still experiencing it, in fact. He's also a teenager, with all the hormones and moods and personality changes that brings; one who is experiencing huge upheaval in his life. Statistically, and extremely sadly the odds aren't great for him living the next few years of his life responsibly and diligently caring for another living being at least twice a day every day. That isn't the same as he wouldn't benefit from being given the responsibility; but realistically there is a good chance the dog needs a backstop carer, and realistically that is going to be the OP.

She also said in the opening post that the dog was bought for DSS. That changed with the responses.

Ha. The dog ‘nutterati’ are alive and well on MN. They never disappoint!

"And the other children?"

Ah! There's a shiny new family, quelle surprise.
This is why blended families are invariably shit on the first children.
No, if I had young children, of course I wouldn't want a badly behaved dog around.
But, as I said before, his keeping the dog should be non-negotiable.

This is Dad's fault for playing happy families with you and your fault for going along with it.
This is both parents' fault for splitting up and not providing a happy, stable home for their son.
This is Mum's fault for getting an unsuitable dog.

NONE of this is the fault of the boy- I really hope you can see that, OP.
I know he's not your natural son but he is not some pest- he is the most important person in this scenario.

Your own kids need to be kept safe, therefore- assuming the dog is as bad as depicted- I agree with @NotDarkGothicMama - his Dad needs to prioritise his troubled son and if that means living separately then so be it. It's shit but there we are.

I never want a dog, and there are literally no other circumstances in which I'd have one, but this feels like a no brainer. Keep the dog. DH does all the dog work.

Even if that's to the detriment of OP and her kids?

You would seriously suggest splitting up a family so that one child can have a dog?!

So your suggestion to make things better for the step-son is to remove him from the only motherly figure he has and who does a lot for him, and to remove the father from his younger kids with OP?

How does that help?