Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

You dont know anything.

Can you ask if there's something going on you don't know about? Very unkind to leave him out.

About what? I’ve outlined everything above.

I guess I could. I just feel a bit blind sided and don’t know if I was over reacting. They’re literally on their games together every night and there are no issues. The one time they did fall out - for an hour or so! - it was so unlike them that we talked about it (the mums).

it feels really crap

Is it possible your ds lost the invite?
How is he feeling about the situation?

We’ve had people not get text messages or invites over the year (I have 4 kids!) but I’ve had people advise me not to ring or text just in case they couldn’t afford to come/ were sick. Or maybe they had a falling out you didn’t know about/ the son wasn’t ok about it

I'd do a general check in with ds that all is okay in his friendship group. Other than that I wouldn't do or say anything. Teenagers should navigate their own friendships, with parents there to support if it is needed.
There isn't really an active role for you to play in teen friendships.

It’s likely that all isn’t as it seems. What happened with the fallout? Maybe there’s a reason why the friend has distanced himself a bit?

My daughter is in secondary and has a primary school friend who she’s trying to distance herself from as she’s just constantly ‘at her’. Her mum is oblivious and got upset when she wasn’t invited to a recent party. Could be similar.

The friend messages all the time and there don’t seem to be any issues (I check my son’s phone periodically to check he’s not involved in anything he shouldn’t be).

I’ve just taken him a drink and breezily (!) asked and he just said “I wasn’t invited. I don’t know why but I’m okay”. my son does struggle with anxiety (school are doing a SEND plan at the moment). I know him and when he said I don’t mind, his voice caught. You know when someone feels emotional about something?

He’s literally online playing Minecraft with him now… it’s so weird. And it doesn’t feel nice.

They’re not a class of 12 boys, they are now in separate classes at school.

YABU to expect an automatic invite.

They are though. The school keeps the children in mixed ability groups until year 10 based on their primary school. So they’re all still together.

Do they have other groups of friends at school? Even if they’re still in contact online could they just be drifting apart? (some kids seem to constantly message everyone)

I did this, by mistake when my daughter was little. She could have 10 people at her party, as it was for a specific event. She invited 9 girls from her class, but I hadn't realised that there was one little girl who'd been left out (purely because of numbers).

I felt dreadful afterwards but it wasn't deliberate, just an oversight

Happened to DS recently. I felt really sad for him so asked the mum if there was anything going on between them that I need to know about. She said no, she trusted birthday boy to deal with the invites and he screwed it up. Apparently he asked an hour into the party whether DS was coming.

That's pretty rubbish on him. I would ask. If there's been a mistake then it will be a reassurance for him. If there hasn't then you will know if something else is going on.

That’s awful. I would absolutely message the mum nicely and ask.

Okay, I’ve sent a message just asking. I’ve said it’s totally their call - obviously- on who to invite but that I just wanted to check that there hadn’t been an issue or quarrel I was f aware of etc.

Well done!! Let us know x

About whether he was invited or not or why.

That's a good neutral message, hope she replies

You sent a message when your son said he was fine with it?

Oh I do hope it was an oversight.

Kindly, I think this was a bad move. Your child is 13 and not 8. Unless you are worried about something like bullying (in which case raise it with the school, not the other parent) you are far too invested in your child's friendships. I don't think the fact they've been together for years and the secondary school seems to be perpetuating primary school groups rather than mixing them up is helping.

At 13, my DC organised their own parties and only required me to pay for them :) I didn't even know most of their parents!

You shouldn't get involved he's not 8 he's a teenager. Maybe there was only a set number of places. My dd at 13 would be mortified if I got involved. Is he your only child? At this age the kids normally sort things out between them it's unusual for a parent to still be planning birthday parties.

These things are so hurtful. No matter my thoughts we always make sure we never leave anyone out. I have three children and someone being left out never gets easier.
Well done for messaging to ask. x