Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

This. The OP is infantilising her son by going over his head to the other kid’s parent, and is likely to create further problems. At 13, you need to respect some distances.

He might not be fine- but he still may not want her to message his mum. Absolutely fine to keep the communication up with her son but messaging the mum may have been a step too far.

At 13, they sort out their own friendships.

It's great that you talk to your son about these things, but intervening like that with the other boy's mum is a bit infantilising.

Oh dear. You sent that message….

They are 13! They should be handling their own friendship stuff

this kind of stuff happens and friendships move on at that age. Your son handled it super well

and then you can’t in with that

that will be perceived very much as not cool and a bit intense 😬

I think a quick message is fine. This type of thing can deeply upset adults let alone teen boys. Being able to acknowledge that something upsets you is an important skill. Too many boys are expected to just suck everything up.

Any response?

@PeoniesGinandBagswell done on sending that message. Has she relied yet? Sometimes I think it’s best to leave well alone but in this instance, a breezy text to check there’s been no recent issues was the right thing to do in my view. Some
people will avoid confrontation at all costs and allow themselves and their dc to be treated like doormats.
I would probably be tempted to miss that boy out when your dc has their next birthday party but obviously that would be up to your dc.

How is OP sending a message to the other boy's mum helping her son though?

She could have asked him if he wanted to talk more as he sounded upset.
She could have asked him if he wanted her to contact the other mum to see if she could find out why he hadn't been invited.

But she didn't do either of these things. She focussed mostly on what she felt and potentially has made things more awkward for him.

No one is saying he shouldn’t be upset. Some posters are simply saying that at 13, you shouldn’t be contacting their friends’ parents.

There’s nothing you can do OP. It’s sad for your boy but he seems to be handling it well. I agree that it seems mean and I would struggle to not invite him if I had always done so, they were still in the same class and playing online together! It sounds like this minor disagreement they had is maybe stuck in his Mum’s mind. I’ve got older children and younger ones and over the years I’ve realised that lots of parents get a bit too sucked into the disagreements between children and resent the children involved when in reality their own child was probably as much to blame. There’s currently a Mum at my daughters school that gives me the cold shoulder because my daughter has ‘broken up’ with her son (primary) 😂. Just support him if he needs it and try not to think about it, it’s life, it’s a life lesson that people aren’t always fair or kind. It sucks but you only have to look at some of the less than sympathetic replies on here to see what people are like.

Good god
If I was your son I would go nuclear
You are making him look like an idiot and a mummy boy
He has already said he is bothered

@PeoniesGinandBags.-.So what did she say?

Most helpful post, said no one ever 😆

Did you get a response? @PeoniesGinandBags

Oh gosh. I get it truly, when your child is hurting your lion instincts take over but my son would have been mortified if I’d text to query the lack of invite.

Please do let us know what was said.

The kids are 13 though. Surely by that age they’re deciding themselves who they invite to their parties?

Did you hear back OP?

Well I suppose it’s a teaching moment for your son, it could be a mistake, not everyone is going to behave well, you don’t need to be liked by everyone, don’t give others the power to hurt you, find yourself real friends, etc.
I wouldn’t get into one with his mum, you can’t interfere with a 13year old’s friendships.

Yeah most likely but you’re still stepping in a bit at 13 aren’t you? ‘what about little Ben? You’ve been friends for a long time, it might be awkward while you’re still all in the same class and still all friends.’ kind of thing.

I wouldn’t have text either (I’d have been mortified as a 13 year old girl if my mum did that ) If there has been issues you have put that mother in an awkward position as well because at 13 we have very little control of who are child is getting along with and can’t really police it ?

I don’t see anything wrong with the message. He’s 13, not 17.

OP has made it explicit that she isn’t kicking off that he wasn’t invited- just wondering if there has been a falling out that he’s hiding.

I remember my mum doing similar and talking/phoning another parent (back in the old days) I was embarrassed I think but now I can't remember what anyone said about it or anythibg else except that my mum cared about my feelings and had my back.

Have you asked him
if he was invited? Maybe he was and hasn’t told
you?

I agree with most here that at 13 you need to step back and let him get on with it. Maybe he was invited but didn’t want to go, maybe the fall out was bigger than you thought etc
You are putting the other parent in a very awkward position.

Surely teens kind of sort these things out themselves now ... what do you expect the other mom to do here?