Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

Could he have been invited but missed the message (text etc) or somehow forgot or there was a misunderstanding? I’d personally want to know why otherwise you’ll be forever wondering if you or he have done something you’re unaware of?

@OP pls ignore the cool mums telling you you shouldn't be involved in your dc's friendships at 13yrs. You're not marching to school to wag your finger at your dc's friends just asking a question adult to adult. 13, is still a dc. @OP has done the right thing, she's being frank & honest instead of harbouring simmering resentment has asked just incase there is something they have over looked. Wish more people had the balls to handle things like that. Good on you.

It will be interesting to hear the other mum’s response.

Well done for messaging the mum to ask, I'd not be brave enough and would do my own head in with the what ifs, so we'll done for that coz I bet that was hard

I'd be really hurt for my child too. Really hurt. Especially given their close

I would contact the mum and ask her why. I would have to know- it would make me really cross too. Best tackled head on and then you can move on.

OP did that two days ago and doesn't seem to have heard anything back. Which may speak volumes.

I can see how this may have upset you but unfortunately it’s just the way things go. Yes they may have been close during primary but from the age it’s been at least 2 years since they started secondary.
At 13 especially with boys things aren’t as tight and loyal as it is with girls perhaps.
Do you have other children?
Even if they play online, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are close.
I was upset the first time it happened to one of mine but i realised they weren’t as upset as I was. They quickly get over it and perhaps if you accept that this is the way things are going, you will too.

Will this be another thread I’ve followed and been ghosted @PeoniesGinandBags?

The other mother might not know or the other boy might not want to say. He is not obliged to give explanations to op.

OP might have achieved nothing except cause embarrassment to both boys and possibly further damage their relationship.

Or, perhaps the other mother didn’t realise how hurtful it might feel, and this could be a chance to show a little more sensitivity. Or maybe OP's son was invited but the message was missed, & the other mum has been wondering why he hadn’t come.
It doesn’t always have to be seen in the harshest light, sometimes things are less dramatic than they appear but communication is always better than silence and baseless assumptions.

Don't ask. I understand the desire to, and the feeling of upset on his behalf. But he hasn't mentioned it. How was he on the day? Has he seemed low since? Does he seem happy playing with them online today?

There could be a valid reason if he seems happy enough, he might have said snooker is not his thing. or they may have been asked to pay for themselves and he didn't want to. Or they may have had another falling out and are not as close as they once were.

You can't ask because it is not your business and it could cause more awkwardness if you approach the mother, like you might at infant school. He's 13 and had to learn to handle his own social situations, including ones that are unfair or make him feel left out. It won't be the only time in his life this will happen. It happens to everyone at some point in some form.

All you can do is be there if he is upset or thinks badly of himself, and reassure him he's fine, these things happen, and it's in his control to choose how he reacts to it and how he feels about the friendship going forward. You might at some point need to chat about friendship groups shifting at this age, and help him branch out and make new friends. But in their teens, unless they are being bullied or are showing signs of depression or chronic isolation, it is better to step back and let them navigate friendships.

It seems to me that the small falling out MUST have caused more upset than you realised. There has to be something otherwise your son would have been invited!

I get why you messaged @PeoniesGinandBagsthat was 2 days ago. Did the mum reply

Not if they are in a tight ship group and everyone else in the friendship group was invited she’s not.

If adults in a friendship group did this no one would for a second would say it was not an issue

I didn’t let them doing it completely themselves because I guided them. I parented them. I made the point that actions have consequences and if my dc wanted to stay friends with someone there would have to be a really good reason to exclude one friend. Because sometime dc are stupid and don’t think beyond the moment. That’s our job to help guide them

@PeoniesGinandBagswhat was the reply?

That is super shit op and I hope they do the decent thing and explain.

Well, what did she respond?

What did your son say? At 13 no one I know would contact another parent.

She responded that she was happy for them to be friends with each other but that she wasn't happy about my "overt political leanings infiltrating her son's, or her, values". I had no bloody idea what she meant so I asked. She replied that she didn't like the 6 Palestine flags I had in my garden over the summer. For context they were the little ones you'd give a child to wave (you know, like UK flags at a royal wedding or something).

Apparently all of the parents were required to drop their children off at the venue and she didn't want to be put in a position where she needed to be civil with someone she didn't feel able to. Then she went on to say that in time she's sure that she will be able to put this to one side.

I'm speechless.

PS they're not jewish. Not that this makes a difference, IMO, but just before someone asks

Wtf?!?

Wow

However displaying flags like that are a political sign. Unless of course you are Palestinian ?

She didn't like it.
Fair enough, now you know.

Ouch.