Son not invited to friend’s birthday party (13)

[PeoniesGinandBags]

My son is part of a group of a dozen or so boys in our smallish community who went to the local primary school together and then moved to the secondary school. Much bigger as it takes in from all the villages etc.

It was one of the boy’s birthdays and, it turns out, he had a birthday party at what looks to be a kind of snooker, bowling type place. I only know because his mum just shared all the photos on Facebook.

all of the boys from the group were there. My son had not been invited.

The family live a few doors down and whilst as parents were not friends on our own, we are friendly because our boys are.

Most nights, all of them are playing online together. As they are right now!

I feel really angry and upset that my son didn’t even get an invite. I’ve not asked him about it because I don’t know what to say. Am I wrong to think this is a bit of a crap thing to do? He’s absolutely the only one not invited. I know all of them as they’ve grown up together. It feels really exclusionary.

my son and the birthday boy did have a really small falling out perhaps 8 or 9 months ago but it was all done and dusted in a day and was nothing major. O even spoke with his mum above it.

i feel so sad that my son wasn’t included. And honestly, annoyed. Who does that? I would understand if it was just 2 or 3 pals but it is absolutely all of them!!!

I wouldn't have messaged as he's secondary school age, told you he is ok about it when asked and is currently playing online with them. My DD would have been horrified that I'd messaged the mum after she said it was fine.
It's done now though, so hopefully you'll get an answer.

I.m petty, so I would be doing the same to the kid whose party it was and invite everyone else but him

That way he gets to understand how it feels and hopefully learns from it

Do you know how your son feels about it? Based on what you said, it sounds quite mean to not have invited him.

OP I feel your pain and it’s totally valid to feel this way. IMO it doesn’t matter they’re at secondary school. These aren’t kids he’s known 5 minutes, they’re long standing friends and it’s shitty behaviour from them and their parents (esp as you know them too!).
It happened to my son. He phased himself out of that group. He’s now found his people who know how to treat each other well.

I understand why you’re hurt OP. And I think it’s really mean to exclude one boy. I hope your son’s ok. Your message is perfect-breezy, non accusatory and polite.

I will be interested to hear the reply. Maybe it was a set number, who knows. Your poor son.

I understand you're hurt op but messaging could have been the wrong move given they're teenagers now. Hopefully they don't ostracise him further based on you getting involved.

Ohhhh I wouldn't have done that. How ever breezy you think it comes across it will but the mum on the defensive. Friendships change over the years, yeah they were buddies in primary and they still chat on line but that doesn't mean they are in each other's day to day.' group '. My 13yr old would be mortified i messaged a friend mum to ask why he wasn't invited to a party.

Oh. I wouldn't have texted but intrigued on the response. Keep us updated

I think that's a good message to send. One of mine went through similar. When she asked her close friendship group why she wasn't invited. They just said, because you're not one of us anymore! It broke her little heart, but she was glad to know so she didn't waste any more time with them. She made new friends. Be prepared for a tough answer.

Personally, I wouldn’t have sent the text because your son has said he’s fine and may feel embarrassed if he knew you did that. It’s done now though

Given you live on the same street do the kids meet up and go to the park on week ends or school holidays or do they only play online? If they don't meet in person I'd say they weren't as good friends as you thought.

This is very likely.

It's a bit ott being so upset if your son isn't! It's about him, not you - take your lead from him and don't invent upset that doesn't exist for him.

Well she wouldn't have, but the mum plastered the photos all over FB, so she obviously does know now

Actually I should think he feels very upset and hurt about it. But maybe he has no idea its happened. And for sure he doesnt know how to deal with it except for to pretend nothing is up at all and bottle up all his feelings.

While this stuff obviously hurts us as parents - at 13 I would not be interfering.

Have they responded?

13 is still a child. Boys also tend to bottle up and suffer in silence. Well done for being an excellent, caring mum and wanting to support your child. Ignore these unhelpful messages, telling you that they wouldn’t have messaged, after you doing so!!!!!!! We need more mothers like you in this world, who want to keep communication open and support where they can.

I agree! Let us know how it goes OP

Keeping communication open and supporting your teen is great. But I'm not so sure that messaging friends parents is the way to do that. It's easy to get it wrong with this age group.

I absolutely support this mum looking out for her young teenage boy. There's no magic cut off point when you stop doing that. Depending on the response he doesn't even have to know she's looking out for him. And she clearly implied that he was not fine despite what he said.

It's sad that so many people have taken a 13 year old boy saying 'it's fine' at face value.

They'll probably tell you it was an oversight even if it wasn't.

I get that you are concerned. And as his mother it’s understandable that you are feeling your son’s pain. However I don’t think you can or should do anything to “fix it”. Your boy is 13, and he’s now old enough to handle rejection. It’s part of everyone’s life at some point and believe me, it will happen again. How he handles it, and how you handle it, is crucial at this point.

As you’re friendly with the mum, I’d have sent a quick text too just asking if everything was alright between them. Especially as you could tell that your son isn’t really ok with it.