Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

You are just a side line to the golf, to be slotted in at tgeir convenience. Id go out with friends and get them to pick me up later (tough if its not convenient)..

Go out with your friends! One of my regrets is I went to my parents for every Xmas as an adult, because I felt bad as my brothers rarely went. I'd missed out on invitations to go abroad for holidays, winter sun or skiing with friends, how much more fun that would've been. I didn't go, just once through being so very tired, was the best xmas on my own but mum sulked for 2 weeks and refused to talk to me, lol. For which she later apologised!

You seem to have parents who want to see you on your b'day but only on their terms, ie, no card/cake or doing anything on the day to mark that it's your birthday and are too busy doing their own event. Go the day after to see them, when the event is over. She cannot fairly be upset.

It sounds like your mum is more annoyed that she has to collect you from the train station than you not going there for your birthday! Sorry about that OP but go and have a lovely time with your friends instead and don't think twice about it!

Well she'll just have to be offended then. She'll get over it. She doesn't mind offending you.

I do sympathise as my mother was the same. She always expected to see me on my birthday and once I lived further away it was a pain to travel and an expense. Often I'd arrange to spend the evening with friends but it meant fitting in a real flying visit to parents. One birthday I'd gone down there with my husband (yes this even continued when I got married) but by the end of the 2 day visit it dawned on me that we'd barely actually seen my parents who were out doing their own thing most of the time. Then celebrating my birthday with me was limited to some tea and day birthday cake over an hour or so before they rushed off out again. So I just stopped going. Mum got the hump - she's not used to people saying no to her and she thinks she is allowed to be busy but no one else is - but she got over it.

My younger sister knocked it on the head much sooner.

Stand firm and say you'll visit on another weekend when they aren't so busy and there is time to catch up properly. Celebrate with your friends. Happy birthday for when it comes!

Well it's clearly a shoot. And yes, a big meal is expected in the evening - no bought cakes allowed! 😆

As for your mother, you're not just asking about her, are you? You're clearly upset and want us to validate that. That's fine. But most of us moved past the "They didn't eeeeven call me!" thing about birthdays long ago.

If anyone should remember your birthday it's your DM and yet your family have all chosen to make that a day dedicated to your DB hobby. Yes, your DM may be offended but why would you want to spend your birthday cooking for everyone else when you could go and have some fun. Tell her you have other plans, if she sulks that's her problem really

Go out with your friends. If your mum protests tell her the day she’s planning is for their friends not for your birthday so you’ve decided to celebrate with your friends instead.

You don't have to keep your mum company while she supports this hobby group including your dad and brother. YANBU. Have a fun night with friends and see your family at a different weekend. If your mum is upset she is not upset at missing you, you upset that her idea of how the perfect family should look is not being followed by you. Let her cook all day when it's not needed.

Really? Will you still be doing this when your kids are 30, 40?
I think my friends with adult children would be worried sick if the "child" chose to hang out with The Olds rather than actual friends... it would suggest failure to launch into their own, real life.

See your friends

Your parents can either ask you to come visit and make a big fuss over your birthday or they can accept that you will make other plans entirely. They can’t reasonably expect you to show up and then put the focus on another activity.

Tell them since the golf weekend is so busy, you will come visit on an adjacent weekend and you can do a small birthday celebration with them at that time. That will leave you free to actually celebrate, but you will still spend some time with your parents.

I always say do what you want on your own birthday and stuff what anyone else (including family) wants.

My kids are 18 & 20. Both away at uni. For their birthdays we say we’ll come to uni towns and be there for a meal/bowling/shopping/sight seeing (both at tourist towns) if you want but if you want to see your friends instead that’s fine as it’s your day/ birthday weekend. If you want to see us then go see friends, that’s also fine and we’ll give you a lift if you want. Never would I try and hijack their birthdays let alone then plan something else that’s totally irrelevant and beneficial to someone else! That’s thoughtless and mean.

Jesus wept, just go out with your friends! You are 26.

Your family don’t prioritise your birthday which is fine. You should, so do your own thing. Your mum shouldn’t be offended as she’s made her bed.

Is anyone else picturing Andrew MW and his ‘straightforward shooting weekend’?

OP to answer your question. No I would not be offended. I would also prioritise my adult child’s birthday and if I was otherwise engaged I would be more than happy for them to spend the day doing whatever they like.

I would not be offended at you not coming for your birthday, if I actually was busy sorting out a massive dinner for a shooting party. Sorry, golf.

Just go and do your own thing!

Your parents don't get to try make you feel guilty about having plans with other people when their plan is to shoe-horn your birthday into their plans.

They can’t invite you to their house for your birthday, do nothing at all to celebrate your birthday, then get upset that you don’t go!

Go out with your friends and have a wonderful time celebrating your birthday in whatever way is fun for you. Invite your parents/family to visit you on a different day - maybe the weekend before or after - for an additional family birthday celebration.

I’m 49 and I get picked up from the train station 🤷🏻‍♀️
If you’re visiting someone and travelling by train it’s quite normal to be picked up from the train. Age is irrelevant.

Does your mum deliberately organise these on your birthday to get help?

Does your mum deliberately organise these on your birthday to get help?

I think you’ve overthought that one. 😄 Of course my kids would rather do their own thing now they’re older and I certainly wouldn’t be offended. We do still have big family gatherings for some birthdays though. Friends come too.

It’s very shit of the Op’s mother to prioritise something else on her birthday though then still expect her to attend. If you want to celebrate your children’s birthday, don’t arrange something else as well. Especially a bloody shoot, you can more or less shoot every weekend of the season if you know enough people.

The whole weekend is geared towards the golfers and not your birthday so your mum has no right to be offended if you don't come and you spend the day doing stuff with your friends instead.

She can't have it both ways.

Yeah your mum doesn't get to he offended when she and your whole family treat you like an afterthought on your birthday, and expect you to be happy with that.

Just tell her that you'd rather spend your birthday with people who appreciate you and won't make you feel like second place on your birthday to your family's hobby.

Mum will need to learn to be offended sometimes, she and your dad are thinking about themselves primarily and seem not to be concerned about offending / disappointing you.

Of course your mother shouldn't be offended. She's being absurd. Go out with your friends and point out to her that you're an adult in your 20s and not a child.

You would have got more useful answers if you'd just said: 'My parents want to spend my 26th birthday travelling up to visit them for a weekend - however, my dad and brother have a golf weekend that weekend and last time this happened, everything was organised around that with barely any acknowledgement that it was my birthday. I'd rather spend my birthday out with my friends instead. I've suggested this to my mum and now she's annoyed? AIBU?'

All that business about meals out and cottage pies and so on was superfluous.