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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

326 replies

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:21

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

OP posts:
Violetparis · 19/11/2025 13:07

I wouldn't be offended at all by not seeing my adult DD on her birthday. I would be pleased to hear she was enjoying herself with friends.

JassyRadlett · 19/11/2025 13:09

Totally agree - she can't expect to have her cake and eat it.

Breezy text from you. "Sounds like you've got your hands full with catering for the golf gang. That actually works well as I have some plans here, it'll be much nicer to catch up another time when you're not under pressure."

BruisedNeckMeat · 19/11/2025 13:10

Go out with your mates and don’t worry about offending anyone.

Leave the men to their shoot while the womenfolk prepare the food. Do they retire to the library after for brandy and cigars?

Cailleachnamara · 19/11/2025 13:10

If the activity is shooting, which I very much suspect it is, I'd be going no where near your parents' gaff on principle. The idea of making chit chat with a bunch of blood thirsty, sadistic cunts wouldn't float my boat. But if you've been brought up in these circles no doubt you view things differently.

Spend your birthday how you choose - your mum doesn't get to basically ignore you and then claim any sort of moral high ground.

toomuchfaff · 19/11/2025 13:11

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:28

Thanks all! I mean yes I don’t want to go but my mum seems offended which is why I was asking AIBU :)

No you are not being unreasonable to go and do something with people who recognise you, and your birthday.

Your parents have a life, that seems to take precedence over your birthday, they have told you that by continuing with their weekly long standing arrangements vs cancelling one day and going out with you. So hear them and go do your own thing.

If they moan thats what you are doing; no kick back - just say youre off out with friends and you hope they have a wonderful day preparing the event for "golf" and you'll see them another time for your birthday.

They are being unreasonable to not even send you a "Happy Birthday "text. it takes 2 minutes and shows you that you are in their thoughts.

They have shown you their priorities: match the energy.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 19/11/2025 13:11

The thing is OP, you have said she would be offended. If it was me and my DD (who is 27) and she didn't want to come to ours (me and DH) on her birthday then I would be 100% fine with that. It is her birthday after all to celebrate as she chooses. She doesn't usually visit us on her birthday anyway - I mean it's her day right?

This Mum would say no, I wouldn't be offended. Your Mum will be offended. So the big question is are you prepared to offend your Mum to choose what you want to do on your birthday. She is being unreasonable here and not you. You just have to choose what you are prepared to do and put up with any fall out!

JoshLymanSwagger · 19/11/2025 13:12

@cotswoldsblue I'm old enough to be your mum.🤯😱
I wouldn't ignore your birthday. I would bake or buy a cake for you and feed you, rather than prepping a fancy meal for the "Golf Boys", I know it's not golf if they want "posh" food that badly, they can go to the local gastropub!
Stat with your friends, have a fab evening, and party with them.
You can see the family on the sunday.

Happy Birthday 🎂🥂

ohtowinthelottery · 19/11/2025 13:13

Your parents presumably do want to see you to give you a gift and celebrate your birthday in some way, but you need to take control and tell them that you're going out with your friends for your birthday and that you'll go over to them when both they and you are less busy. You don't need to share your birthday with a 'golf' weekend.
My adult DS has a birthday coming up next week. He's taken himself on holiday so we met up for a pub meal before he went and gave him his gifts. You don't have to spend your actual birthday with your parents.

IwishIhadcheese · 19/11/2025 13:14

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

I wouldn’t be offended! I have dc the same age and would encourage them to go and celebrate with their friends!

SummerInSun · 19/11/2025 13:14

”Sorry you aren’t free to spend my birthday with me, mum, but no hard feelings, as you are tied up I’ve arranged to spend the day with some friends. I will join you all in time for dinner. OR I’ll come up for cake on Sunday when you won’t be tied up with the golf crowd.”

Nefrititi · 19/11/2025 13:15

TomatoSandwiches · 19/11/2025 12:26

Do what suits you best op, everyone else is aren't they.

This!!

BarbaricYawp · 19/11/2025 13:17

Good grief, I've moved Christmas every year for over 2 decades in order to prioritise a DC's birthday, and your parents can't even sideline the golf, or whatever it is, in the (few) years your birthday directly clashes with this event? What arseholes. And for the record, if the DC in question wanted to spend their birthday with friends or a partner instead, I would tell them to have a lovely time, because they're not a small child anymore. Honestly, what is wrong with people.

PorridgeAndSyrup · 19/11/2025 13:18

I don't know anyone who spends their birthday with their parents in their late 20s. I saw my mum for my 30th, but that was about it.

So YANBU to just spend it with your friends. Your mum might be offended, but that's not your problem. It sounds like a rubbish way to spend your birthday! She would be very unreasonable to expect you to forego celebrating with your friends, to attend a meal for a load of someone else's friends, where your birthday isn't even acknowledged!

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/11/2025 13:19

My DD will be 25 next birthday, if she wanted to spend any of it with me I'd think it was Christmas; nothing would be more important. Why can't parents just put their kids first whatever age they are? 26 is still so young - some of the replies are really sad. So yes OP if you want to go out with your friends, bearing in mind your family isn't prioritising time with you, then go and make sure you tell them why. I hope you have a lovely day.

TonTonMacoute · 19/11/2025 13:19

So your birthday weekend is going to revolve around your dad and brother's golf friends, now they are cutting up rough because you would rather celebrate with your mates?

Sod that! Team Mates here.

Misanthropologie · 19/11/2025 13:23

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

If I were your mum, I would just be pleased that you have your own friends and your own life (which is not universal among twentysomethings, judging by Mumsnet).

Ocelotfeet27 · 19/11/2025 13:23

I would give her the choice. Mum just to let you know as you said you're busy Saturday I'm planning to go out with friends and come in the evening. If you change your mind and want to go out to the gallery then I'd love to do that, but if not looking forward to seeing you at XX on Sat.

Ocelotfeet27 · 19/11/2025 13:24

Present it as a done deal. If she gets upset then that's on her, it's her choice to pander to the golf group.

shhblackbag · 19/11/2025 13:24

Go see your friends. I hope they care more about you than your family appears to.

Iliketulips · 19/11/2025 13:25

You're an adult and entitled to spend your birthday with friends if you prefer. I'd message and say you appreciate how busy they are and you don't want to put pressure on them by having to host and celebrate your birthday at the same time. Could you go another weekend nearby, or meet them mid-way for a meal out on the Sunday?

willowthecat · 19/11/2025 13:28

Does she expect you to help prepare the meal ?

tara66 · 19/11/2025 13:29

justalittlebitofrain · 19/11/2025 12:39

Let’s say golf but it’s not 😂😂😂

so OUTING.

No - it;s clearly indoor ping pong in this weather,

firstofallimadelight · 19/11/2025 13:30

My adult kids do something with their friends and something with us. Sometimes on their birthday, sometimes a different day. If they are free on the day we do cards/pressies/cake. If I wasn’t seeing them I would ring on the morning.

Your parents could be more attentive in terms of giving cards/pressies/wishes on the day but it’s sounds like they made a fuss with the meal.
but equally you should see your friends if you want to.

SlothMama14 · 19/11/2025 13:31

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

She doesn't get to be offended if she repeats the pattern of last year and doesn't actually acknowledge your birthday on the day with the group.

Why didn't you say something at the time?

comedycentral · 19/11/2025 13:31

By your age I'd been living alone for 10 years and not even had birthday celebrations long long before that, so finding it hard to relate but I'd organise what you want to do with friends. Let her be offended, I don't think she will be though deep down, I think she's revolving quite a bit around the men and their 'golf'.