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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

326 replies

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:21

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

OP posts:

TreeDudette · 19/11/2025 12:40

Your mum may be offended but that is her problem. If you don't want to go then don't go. Arrange to go the following weekend if you would like to see them. It's not a normal expectation that 26 year old adult children go home to parents for birthday every year.

JinglingtoChristmas · 19/11/2025 12:40

There is a lot of assuming and guessing. Just talk to your family.

babyno2duejuly2026 · 19/11/2025 12:41

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

Your mum needs a reality check. She can’t expect you to go visit them for your birthday whilst you sit there all day bored out your head whilst they run around doing bits for the “golf” club.

Celebrate the weekend after with your family, better yet, they can make the effort to come to you!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/11/2025 12:41

Your mum would be unreasonable to be offended. They've organised a weekend of guests on your birthday presuming you will be there, without even discussing whether it works for you and then being retrospectively "offended". Bollocks to that.
If she is offended, you should ignore it. Suggest you go up the following weekend when you can spend time together as a family.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 19/11/2025 12:44

Why not take up golf and hijack every single meal they have??. Do your own birthday and leave them to it

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/11/2025 12:44

I can't imagine my parents organising a golf day and meal on my birthday, if there was a family tradition and expectation that we normally see each other on birthdays, why would you (pr anyone) want to celebrate your birthday and have your birthday meal with your parents random golf club friends.

I also can't imagine having a second thought or any guilt about spending my birthday with my friends, if my parents had made other plans on my birthday. Its them that made other arrangements not you, and you're not obliged to spend your birthday fitting in with some other random plans. Your mum has already said absolutely not to your offer of a day out, so it's fine for you to say no thanks to an offer of a golf dinner.

bigsoftcocks · 19/11/2025 12:44

Stop hinting for starters. Say what you mean

HeadyLamarr · 19/11/2025 12:46

For goodness sake, go out with your friends.

JaninaDuszejko · 19/11/2025 12:46

Tell your Mum again that you are spending the day with your friends and if she gets upset then say 'well Mum, you're too busy to go out with me and I want to have a nice day for my birthday'. I'd spend the evening with your friends as well TBH and then do something with your family another weekend when they are free but if you want to go home pay for a taxi from the station.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/11/2025 12:47

Just don't go, it sounds miserable.

pinkdelight · 19/11/2025 12:48

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:28

Thanks all! I mean yes I don’t want to go but my mum seems offended which is why I was asking AIBU :)

She doesn't get to be offended by you choosing to have a nice birthday instead of being in this weird second-rate golfing meal scenario. You're 26, have the birthday you please with your mates and your parents and brother can have their priority golfing-related fun. They can celebrate your birthday when they have actual time to be with you for non-compromised birthday purposes.

MrsLeonFarrell · 19/11/2025 12:48

Don't feel guilty, go out with your friends. Aside from the fact that you are an adult and living an independent life, I find it strange of your parents to think they can demand your presence and yet make no effort to celebrate you.

Signed the parent of a young adult the same age as you

FrodoBiggins · 19/11/2025 12:48

justalittlebitofrain · 19/11/2025 12:39

Let’s say golf but it’s not 😂😂😂

so OUTING.

Like golf... but seasonal, only enjoyed by the men, followed by an elaborate meal, and takes place in the cotswolds far from any public transport or taxi firms. Could be anything 😂

OP, just tell them you've joined PETA and you're going to Midreds for a nice vegan meal with your new pals

pizzaHeart · 19/11/2025 12:49

Well if I was your mum I would focus on fussing around you a lot and you would have a cake, a card, a singing and a lot of other things. If I was busy for some reason with prior seasonal commitments I would ask you in advance if that’s ok to celebrate your birthday (properly) in another day.
Your mum could be upset, it’s up to her but she’s very very unreasonable here. What does she expect? That you will sit in the kitchen looking at her in admiration?

Say to her that’s as they are busy that weekend with golfing stuff you’d rather come to see them next weekend. Don’t tell them that it’s about lack of cake or card or signing, if they didn’t do anything for 25 they won’t do it for 26 for sure. They might give some false promises to you ( which you dont want I suspect) so stick to the text : it’s ok mum, I know you are busy so I will come next weekend.

What do they do for your brother’s birthday usually? Just curious.

Notquitethetruth · 19/11/2025 12:49

Your parents have prioritised the golfing event for 2 years over your birthday celebrations. You should now put yourself first. If they query it tell them why.
Go out with friends and enjoy yourself. Life is too short.

butterycroissants · 19/11/2025 12:49

Just go out with your friends!

theemmadilemma · 19/11/2025 12:51

Tell your mother, that since she isn't actually reserving any time for you, or wanting to do anything with you or for your birthday that she has no fucking right to be any kind of offended and don't go.

When she's organising you a party and you're thinking about not going she can pull that offence right on and wear it. Unless then... nah.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 19/11/2025 12:52

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

I would not be offended. I have DDs in their 20s and I would be delighted if they had better things to do than spend their birthday at my house eating dinner that I had prepared for other people. My own mother would have been offended however.

All this to say that it doesn’t matter if WE would be offended and it actually doesn’t matter if your own mother is offended either. In fact, it sounds as though it is time for you to quietly assert your right to make your own choices because you are 26 years old and it doesn’t sound as though you are yet being respected as an adult.
Your mother is not making any concessions to the fact that it is your birthday (and you are not really asking her to). She is expecting you to shoehorn your birthday into the little bit of space she has for it in HER day. She has invited you to join in with THEIR plans. It’s perfectly fine for you to say “that’s very kind but no thank you” and it’s perfectly fine for her to get sniffy about that. You need to get comfortable with your parents being uncomfortable with your choices. That’s adulting.

faffadoodledo · 19/11/2025 12:57

I have 27 and 29 year old children and would not be the least offended if they didn't spend the day with me. In fact I can't recall the last time they did!

Lindy2 · 19/11/2025 12:57

You say " Mum, I know you'll be busy on Saturday with doing the golf club meal. I'll come and see you on Sunday instead".

Then you go and have a nice time with friends on Saturday.

diddl · 19/11/2025 12:57

I'd be more than happy to pick my daughter up from the station on her birthday.

I'd be pleased that she'd seen her friends & was still willing to travel to me!

If they're not wiling to pick you up or just the evening isn't good enough then that's just tough

Do what suits you!

Zimunya · 19/11/2025 12:58

TeeBee · 19/11/2025 12:23

You're 26. Go and organise your own celebrations.

This

Sugarfish · 19/11/2025 13:03

She might be offended but you can choose to ignore it. You wouldn’t be in the wrong to do that. Some people get a bit funny about breaking a family tradition, even if it no longer works for everyone.

Just tell her you’ve had a better offer than sitting around all day watching her cook. You could suggest she comes to visit you another weekend. Usually people travel to the birthday person, not the other way round.

Noshadelamp · 19/11/2025 13:04

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

They're not doing anything special for your birthday so why is she even offended, it's not like you're putting them out.

I'm a mother of adult children and want them to be happy on their birthday.
They go out with friends for their bday then come visit at some point and we go out for a meal.
I'm never offended that they go out with their friends, it's completely natural and understandable.

Silverbirchleaf · 19/11/2025 13:04

Your parents have other plans. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you or have forgotten your birthday. It shows they’re not waiting around for a visit.

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