Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Is it part of a pattern that you are expected to behave in a particular way for family that aren't actually that bothered about you?

The fact you are asking suggests you have been subject to "family conditioning". (No judgement, I was way older than 26 when I realised my family did this to me).

I wouldn't be offended.

I'd be glad that you have friends to celebrate with!

Your family ought to be mortified that they’ve prioritised their mates’ social gathering above their own daughter’s birthday. Shooting isn’t the be all and end all and I say that as someone who did it for years. I also have a child whose birthday falls at this time of year and if a shoot fell on the same day, tough. We weren’t available, we’d be celebrating their birthday.

No, we don't see our 26 year old step/daughter on her birthday and we're not offended in the slightest. She lives in a different city and is a grown up with her own life - we don't have the right to summon her to us for her own birthday! This year we went to see her for a birthday meal a few days after her actual birthday and we fitted in with her plans because it's her celebration.

If your mum is genuinely offended then she is being unreasonable. If she must see you to celebrate your birthday then she should come and visit you on a different day when it can be all about you and not the golfers because it seems like this is going to happen every year, potentially!

Tell her you'll be doing stuff with your friends on your birthday, she'll be busy cooking so you'll see her some other time she's free.
If she's offended that's fine, that's her choice.

This 100%

Have your birthday with friends, see your family another day. It doesn’t need to be a drama, you’re gonna be 26 not 21 or 30!

I think your mum is very rude to not actually celebrate your birthday but be offended youre not coming! Very weird to not even have a cake at the meal!

This. I think there are some very unhealthy family dynamics at play here, OP.

They’re prioritising other stuff over you/your birthday but are then going to get “offended” if you want to do something you’d actually enjoy instead?

Seriously, it’s about time you started “offending” them. Do they care about offending/upsetting you? Apparently not. You’re the one who has to make all the effort and compromise; they feel entitled to demand that from you without making any effort or compromise in return, and because this is all you’ve ever known, you don’t realise how skewed and wrong it is.

Either go out with your friends for the day and go there in the evening if you really want to and they’re not going to spoil it with a shitty ”we’re so offended” attitude, or as others have said, spend the evening with friends and see them another weekend, when they’re not busy.

As a reality check, most people don’t spend their birthday with their parents at the age of 26, especially if those parents aren’t even doing something specifically to celebrate that birthday and expect you to just slot in around whatever they were going to be doing anyway!

I would be more worried if my DC were not spending their birthdays with friends.
We usually catch up with them the next or another day...because they're always up for being treated for a nice meal somewhere.
Go and enjoy your birthday and tell your mum you will see her another day, when they can actually fit you into their plans...that might actually give her the hint that she is being unreasonable.

It’s really seriously crap of them to make you wait until the following day for gifts last year, and they seem to prioritise hobbies over their own dc, so yes enjoy going out with friends and build your own life.

Your mum seems beholden to them which is sad and rigid, as I would much prefer a day with my dd than cooking all day. Be happy op, do what you want to do. It’s your life and they aren’t deserving of your time quite frankly. I say that as a mother of adult dds. It’s one day a year! You are their child.

Is there a hobby women do where men spend all day serving them? If so, I want it?

Cricket, golf, all this ‘wives cook’ bullshit astounds me.

If she wants to be offended, let her. That's OK. You don't have to fix it, nor do you get to dictate what her reaction is or should be.

Trust her to cope with whatever she feels. She's an adult. She can do that.

Choose what you want to do on your birthday. You aren't responsible for how other people feel about that choice, that's their business.

She might be offended, if she is, that is her problem, she can deal with the consequences of her messed up priorities.

Her hunting Dinner is obviously more important.

Go out with your friends, go see family on sunday if you must.

I would say they for your parents to be more interested in other things than celebrating with you, your mum had no right to be offended you wanted to do something else. It seems they have put more consideration into that and the group than you.

Go have fun, say you will see them the next day when you all aren’t as ‘busy’ with your own plans. An early happy birthday!

1. Their disregard of your birthday is disappointing.
2. Their entitlement that you will still spend your birthday with them in spite of their ignoring of it is disappointing.
3. It doesn’t matter what anybody else here would feel in this situation, your mother is disappointed you won’t come the the golf party and play the dutiful daughter (the entitlement)
4. Your mother can feel however she feels no matter how anybody would feel and that should not determine how you respond on this situation. You feel disappointed by their behaviour and they don’t care about your feelings.
5. You need to learn that you need to consider your own feelings especially if others around you ignore them, you need to put your feelings into the bigger picture family relationships etc and you need to step back and decide what is the appropriate choice in the context, here is really seems to be to go out and enjoy your birthday with your friends and tell your folks you will see them in a few weeks when they are free so you can celebrate your birthday.

If they aren't going to make a fuss of you on your birthday because they have other priorities, they don't get to be offended that you aren't coming to see them. Tell them that as they are busy on your birthday, you've made other plans without them.

But you would love to come celebrate with them on another day instead when they are less busy. (If that's true.)

They’re not a really doing anything to celebrate you or your birthday. Your Dad and brother are off doing their hobby and your mums busy running around like a stepford housewife preparing their three course meal.
There is nothing in their plans that is actually centred around you. I 100% wouldn’t be going.

Youre 26 years old you can decide what you want to do for your birthday. If your mum brings it up just be honest and say “well it’s not as if we’re actually celebrating my birthday, they day is focused around dad and brother and their hobby mates, I haven’t even been asked what I’d like to do for my day.”

Mmm I wouldn't be offended because I wouldn't arrange something on your birthday every year

Go out with your mates and if mom is still insistent you turn up go on Sunday

HNRTT but, OP, I don't think a reasonable person would be offended given they seem to be prioritising the men's past time and catering for the group, though it might not be a given that your family are 'reasonable' OP. Rather than decline going, perhaps put the ball in their court and ask them to suggest a weekend when they'll all be free to celebrate without risking distraction from the not-golf and preparation for the catering for the group. Try and enjoy your birthday with people who hopefully love you, OP. Good luck.

She might be offended but you’re also offended. You’re even. It’s your birthday, do what YOU want.

Your parents are busy so zero rights to be offended.

Have a lovely celebration with your friends

I’d just go out with your friends too. Your parents are prioritising their activity over your birthday, so who cares if they’re offended? Go to theirs a different time.

she seems offended? or she has said something.

tbh you may be imagining most of this. For sure it would be better if they congratulated you on your birthday. But since you don't live with them, are an adult, and don't share in this not-golf, i don't get why you want to go there?

Just do your own thing with your own friends?

Crap this from your parents, why arrange this weekend for golf, when they know you are coming to see them.