Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Sounds like shooting - it’s not really my area but is this something they are doing wholly or partly for money/networking? Or really purely for fun? Sounds like it comes with a lot of expectations on the hosts either way.

I think where your parents are being weird is by asking you to come and then not spending any time with you — and tbh that would apply birthday or not. I don’t mean spending every minute with you - really honestly your mum spending a bit of time on Duolingo or embroidery is absolutely fine - but choosing to spend time in your company and making you feel loved.

Have a think about the people in your life who truly do make time for you and consider your well-being - maybe your brother and friends?

You seem to me making every excuse under the sun to defend their behaviour @cotswoldsblue

You are worthy of wanting respect and love and it’s ok for you to say that you deserve more.

This is a very sad read Op. You are running rings around yourself trying to justify their behaviour.

It doesn’t matter that you are an adult; their treatment of you is very poor.

The throwing your cards away is AWFUL!

Seriously, next year don’t go around. Their guests treated you better than they did.

I do get why you are like this. My parents were similar. I don’t see them much now. It took years of therapy for me to understand that it’s them, not me. I have so much anxiety over Christmas and birthdays now from it. Those patterns were set in childhood and I would bet you are the same.

I would look at therapy for this. And please try and stop feeling so responsible for their behaviour. It’s ok to call a spade a spade.

Your mum sounds dreadful, like a self-involved narcissist. She is obviously pandered to by her husband and children and her behaviour is much more childish than yours. Mothers like her tend to be in competition with their daughters for attention. She hardly acknowledged your birthday and threw your birthday cards away. That is spiteful behaviour.

The only growing up that you need to do is to realise that your mum certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart and that you need to completely distance yourself from her. She is toxic.

I'm still interested in these questions

I'd not want to spend my birthday with people who aren't interested and prioritised a golf group. Do your own thing OP, if your mums offended then thats her problem.

Pretty similar to be honest- meet up as a family depending who’s available, either on the day or an adjacent day, have dinner and give gifts.

I’m not sure if a family birthday would be treated the same if it fell on a golf weekend because it never has….

I think what I am interested in is - for other family members, are their birthdays a priority? Do they get a fuss made of them all day? What sort of effort do you personally make for them? Or is it actually quite similar to what they do for you?

It’s pretty similar- I or any of them wouldn’t have a fuss made all day haha, that’s pretty embarrassing for grown adults

What I’m not sure about is the general way my birthday was pushed aside- like taking the whole of Monday (day off work for me so I stayed in the country) to ‘decompress’ instead of acknowledging there hadn’t been much of a fuss made and giving me my gifts. I don’t know if they knew I would expect that though. I’ve always been more of an empath 😆

@cotswoldsblue

You are not being unreasonable. Yes, as were get older, families expand, our birthdays naturally take a smaller role unless a big one, however, they invited you then pretty much ignored you and treated you as if you were a nuisance in the way.

I’m glad you had a nice time with your friends at least.

And I’m glad you’re coming to the realisation that this is a them thing, not a you thing!

OK, so what are you going to do next year should it also land on a golf weekend? It seems trying to combine the family celebrations don’t work well for you….

@Hopingtobeaparent it will be on a Sunday so hopefully the golf people will drift away by the afternoon and there won’t be the awkward dinner. I’m probably still not going to go though :)

Okay I want to cement my feelings on this before I bring it up in therapy. The general vibe is that I’m too old to care what my parents are doing which I’m happy to agree with, and that for that reason the holding the event on my birthday wasn’t weird if I wasn’t expected to come. What is weird is that I was asked/expected to come.

The total lack of communication or acknowledgment until I arrived in the evening around 9pm (no WhatsApp or anything from my mum) I was quite hurt by, but again the consensus seems to be I’m too old to care, and they were seeing me in the evening anyway.

The taking the two extra days to decompress before giving me my gifts is weird, but not in the context of my mum’s possible neurodiversity/needing to wind down. :)

You are not too old to care. I’m 40, I’d be deeply hurt if my mum didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

73% think you're not being unreasonable i.e. you're not too old to care. The general consensus is the vote, not the most vicious replies.

You're not their doormat. It is okay to feel displeasure with your parents' behaviour. If it helps you, you can frame it as them occasionally failing like all adults do, see them less as parents and more as another adult you know in your life.

If I was 26 and had the choice between spending my birthday with my friends in the city, or fitting in with my parents inflexible plans with their own friends, then it would be a very easy one to make.
If your parents want you to spend your birthday with them, then they should do something to make it pleasant for you, not just carry on as normal with you there.
Personally I'd be spending the day AND evening with my friends and telling my parents I'd visit another time when they were less busy and you could do something together.

@cotswoldsblue why are you still making excuses for them?

Came to say the same. You’re STILL not getting it. Why is your self worth so low? I’m glad you’re dealing with it well but there’s simply no need to rewrite the narrative - that you are worth more than you’re getting.

I was going to say this.

For some reason you aren't listening to the over whelming number of people in this thread who are telling you your feelings are valid and natural. Your parents expected you to come for your birthday and then prioritised other people. Anyone who would hurt by that.

I hope that you can find a therapist who can help you unpack why you are afraid to accept that sometimes your parents behave unkindly and that it is natural to be upset by that.

I’d be hurt if my mum didn’t wish me a happy birthday on the day! Even if I was going up to see them later that eve. And I’d be even more hurt if I went up there and they barely acknowledged my birthday, my effort to see them, or waited 2 days to give me my presents. Your mum could have taken an hour out of her cooking day to spend time with you if you were there. Sounds as though they prioritise their things and you get whatever time / energy is left, whenever that is.
but it sounds like the ‘golfing’ weekend is all consuming and your mum prioritises that, and then needs time to decompress (although why she could not have given you a bit of attention in that time I don’t know).
So maybe next time, rather than make the journey only to be disappointed, if your birthday falls on an event weekend, say to them that you will come up the weekend before/after to see them, when they are free. And then spend your birthday and that weekend doing nice things with your friends and people who will actually give you their attention and love.
maybe also have a think about what you want for your birthdays and other events, and express that to them - eg say you’d like to have birthday tea with them or go for a walk or whatever. And eg when you had the op and they knew your brother was around to help, did you want them to come to see you? If so, did you tell them that? Would they have helped and looked after you if they had come?If your mother would not be much help or sympathetic then you might not have wanted her there anyway! Or did you indicate beforehand and after the op that you were ok, so they didn’t come?
I think when I have had surgery, my mum has offered to come over, and if I said yes was lovely and helpful whilst here. But she’d have been guided by me as to whether I needed her.

I think every family has different norms on this stuff so you'll get different responses.

Personally - if I was seeing my parents in the evening of my birthday, they would just wish me happy birthday when they saw me.

I don't usually see them on my birthday - just sometimes if it happens to be convenient for all.

They don't buy me birthday presents. They are generous but not specifically around birthdays

So your parents seem fine to me TBH!

I was just remembering that my PIL have entirely forgotten my DH'S birthday three times..

He doesn't angst about that at all and would laugh at the idea of therapy over it

I think the therapy is a good idea to get to the bottom of your feelings which seem very intense and very focused on your parents in a way that is unusual for someone your age.

How can you think that’s the geberal
consrnsus? 73% have voted YANBU!

I’m sorry that your parents don’t give you what you need. You’re not asking for too much by any stretch of the imagination. I’d be upset if my parents acted like that.

I personally wouldn’t want to spend my Birthday with anyone (family or not) that didn’t seem bothered that I’m even there.

I’d want to spend my birthday with people who care about me and want to celebrate with me and spend time with me.

When talking about your minor surgery it also feels like you’re not a priority to them.
I find it so strange how different parents can be… whether that’s due to potential neurodivergence or narcissism or what.

Have you ever had a conversation with your brother about whether he feels loved and cared by them?

It’s good you’ve had a conversation about how hurt you felt with no messages on that Friday and all that you had to say, even though what you deserved was acknowledgement, apology and change but you didn’t get either.

I personally would find it hard to have a continued relationship with my parents if it was like this… I’m neurodivergent and deeply sensitive and couldn’t cope with being treated like that and feeling hurt over and over again.

I hope you know that your feelings are valid, that you deserve far more than this and that you don’t need to “grow up” but definitely spend time with people who make you feel safe and celebrated.

I still make a fuss over my kids' birthdays. They take priority over anything else other than a life threatening emergency. I can't imagine having another event and treating my kids like unwelcome guests.

Your parents are nasty.

The thing is I agree with this post but I don’t think the general lack of at least trying to make it a bit special on the day is acceptable. Like my mum could have spared an hour 😂 maybe she thought I wouldn’t mind?

I am validating I can object to it and my feelings are valid before I get jumped on ;) Thanks all!

I think you need to tell her you’d like your gift and celebration on the actual day from now on or just accept that she’s a bit of a weirdo about birthdays.