Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Have you told her you felt sidelined last year and you don't want a repeat this year?

go enjoy your friends, i am one of those over 30s who realised my friends are more family than family can be at times

Absolutely go with your friends and if your parents balk, tell them that you want to celebrate your birthday, not tag onto someone elses golf weekend.

Spend your day in the city with your friends! That is what I would want for my dearly adored dc! Spend it with young people and then see you parents the following day or whenever, enjoy your youth!

Don’t go then, you doughnut. What a lot of angst over a complete non-issue! Why are you hankering so much for your parents attention at 26?? Go out with your mates.

Your mum has shown you where her priorities lie. I see no reason why you shouldn’t do the same to her!

A simple thanks mum but I will be spending my birthday with friends this year will suffice.

No need to get suckered into her being upset about it she's mostly going to be busy preparing a 3 course meal. They can always come see you on the Sunday should they wish.

Your mum can be offended if she wants but it’s not your problem. Just say that you have other plans and from what she’s said it sounds like she’ll be too busy to spend much time with you anyway, and you’ll catch up another time. Then go have a lovely day. Happy birthday.

Is it Beaters Weekend?

It sounds like celebrating your birthday isn’t a priority for your family, so tbh I’d just do something with your friends.

I voted YANBU because I’ve got adult dc and the first thing I do on their birthday is wish them Happy Birthday. I wouldn’t let some hobby group get in the way of celebrating with my dc either, if they wanted to be at home with me and celebrate.

I'm so jealous at the number of people who have friends willing to prioritise them on their birthday. I had a birthday last week and tried to organise a city day with two friends (complete no's) or a meal anytime this month (two non responses, one who won't travel as she an hour away and one maybe). It's been a depressing birthday :( When people are quick to say that adults should be celebrating with friends instead of family, remember that not everyone has amazing friends any loved with is important.

Do whatever makes you happy OP. I'm sorry that your parents don't seem very interested. That's very unkind. Try and not burn any bridges though as you never know when you might need them. Perhaps gently tell your Mum how this is making you feel. It might help to clear the air.

If she decides to be offended, then that's on her. You can simply say, 'I've made other plans for my birthday this year' and go spend the day how you like. You offered a suggestion and she declined, on the grounds that she was spending your birthday preparing an elaborate meal for a bunch of other people. Fine. Great. Her choice.

Your choice to choose to do something nice with friends instead. See parents a week later instead. (If it's convenient).

Goodness. Organise your own life! If your own parents can’t be bothered to help celebrate then go out with people who will!

Stop all the hinting. Just tell your parents that you've made plans with your friends. Will your mother be offended? I don't see why, especially as they have their own plans. I mean, she might if you phrase it as "I think you should focus on ME not your golf weekend, so I'm leaving. So there!" But just say you're off for a day/evening with your friends, you hope they have a wonderful time and you'll see them the next day or whatever. No drama, no hinting. If your mother is offended anyway, that's her issue, not yours.

Well it kind of sounds like you are an after thought. If you don't want to go, then don't. I would be insulted that the "golf" guests seem more important. If your mum is insulted, then let her be. Meet up with friends instead!

You're way too old to centre your birthday around your parents and your mother expecting you to turn up when she's focusing on the "golf" dinner adds weight to this.

I didn't spend another birthday at my parents' house after I left to go to university aged 18 (and aged 16, 17 and 18 I was out with my friends on the day) - I don't understand why you would. Have a great weekend celewvrating with friends!

Gutted for you.
Bet your brother doesn't gwt treated like this as hes male.

Go out with mates
Let your mum feel guilty, so she should btw.

See family the following day if they aren't too busy clearing up after the golf party or prioritising somwthing else more important than their only daughter.

Your parents should cancel their meal with their golf friends and dedicate the day to you, OP. Outrageous. Hope you’re ok. @cotswoldsblue

I mean I wouldn’t go that far! I am an adult, as posters have said upthread, and it’s fine for them to have their own lives. After all adult birthdays don’t tend to be that exciting! Focusing a whole day and evening, or giving them up, around a 26 year old is a bit much.

They kind of hinted the meal was celebration enough last year, and all I’ll be doing in the city is having lunch with my friends anyway.

The thing that upset me last year was that they didn’t send a text, make a call or similar for the whole day and I arrived there around 9pm, they briefly hugged me and said happy birthday and it was then all about the dinner? I would have been fine to be honest if they’d done the former, as a meal is a nice treat.

I don’t get why the ENTIRE day needs to be spent preparing the dinner if they want me up for my birthday- I don’t have an issue with it happening in the evening, but can’t my mum spare a couple of hours? The golfers are tired when they get back anyway so don’t see why one course and plenty of wine wouldn’t suffice .

The decision is made, will let my mum know this evening that I won’t come on Saturday 🎂

This .

It’s obviously hunting so I wouldn’t be going on principal. Sounds like they are living in the past anyway - do the men retire to the drawing room with brandy while the women clean up with a sherry?!

Regardless - they don’t prioritise your birthday at all - why doesn’t the group sing happy birthday to you?! How formal is it? How is a meal to do with a hobby, without any of your friends any kind of celebration for you?!

My dd is a similar age and I would expect her to be busy with her partner/friends on her birthday. If she indicated she'd like to come home them I would only have other people around if it was completely unavoidable/had been arranged a long time. If I'd specifically invited her to visit to celebrate her birthday then I'd be focused on that so I don't think you're being unreasonable to be a little put out that you are/were not the focus.

I'd not be upset that you'd rather be with friends - when I was 26 it didnt occur to me to spend my birthday with my parents !

I'd always send a card and a whatsapp on the day.

This!
if my Adult daughter wanted to spend the day with me on her birthday, my adult husband and son could sort their own hobby out!

Just saw that you’ve sorted it and decided to tell your mum.
I have to say that I disagree about Adult birthday is not being very exciting. I make a real fuss of our family‘s birthdays and my birthday partly because lots of my family have died young and you might as well celebrate but also because life is too short not to have a bit of fun!

Spend your birthday with your friends.
and invite your parents round to yours for your birthday for the weekend after. Isn’t it time you start organising your own birthday celebrations?