Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

They threw your cards away? ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? I think you would benefit from some therapy, I think your childhood has really done a number on you and you don't realise you should be a lot angrier here.

I mean I’d opened them, maybe they thought I wouldn’t want them? It was the day after. My mum was obviously irrationally stressed about the constant guests.

I think as I said I can acknowledge my feelings and that it wasn’t acceptable, but see context

There is no context that would make this OK.

I get the autistic 'everything in its right place' need, not wanting other people's stuff in my space. I don't think she called your presents rubbish as such - she just used 'crap' in the sense of 'stuff that isn't mine'? BUT I've certainly never thrown someone else's birthday cards away, or any other belongings without checking with them! Do have a look in the recycling, it's okay to fish them out - both for yourself and to show them that it mattered to you.

Hope you had a great night out (with people who put you at the centre!) - do keep prioritising enjoying yourself.

It was poor to throw away your cards.

I do still think you have quite high expectations of your parents for your birthday? But maybe I have low ones! My parents give me a call for my birthday and that's about it, they don't even get me a present for my birthday and haven't since I was a child.

It sort of sounds like what you want is to be made a fuss of for a day - which is how some families operate but not all.

I think it's clear also as you say that your mum is very stressed out by hosting this shooting weekend.

I think in the future, you should think about changing up the dynamic - e.g. you could invite them to something where you live, rather than going to them

Oh and I would be curious to know - what are other family birthdays like? What do you do for your parents' birthdays, your brother's etc?

My family just not that into birthdays for adults but that is something across the board

I'm starting to think this thread might be a wind up. There's no way anyone could be this blasè about their parents throwing their birthday presents and cards away.

I know people just like this in real life. I also know their children do not really realise just how shit it is and how far away from normal it is - whatever normal means in the context of childhood experience, because the dc have grown up with this behaviour, and they simply don’t know anything else.

Op would really benefit from therapy, her perspective will also shift if she has children off her own.

I think that some people’s parents have been so unrelentingly horrid their entire lives that they have no real idea of normal behaviour. I think OP is legit (and sounds very nice). Her parents have just done a real number on her. 🙁

I think your mum sounds like she's being passive aggressive because you didn't do what she wanted! I feel hurt on your behalf op! You sound lovely and happy belated birthday x

Op imo you make too many excuses for your dps..
Bloody nasty springs to my mind. Binning your cards and calling your presents crap is disgusting behaviour.

I can't follow this thread OP; I've read all your posts - you seem to be cross with anyone who sympathises and shows concern with replies like "I need to grow up". I think your parents' behaviour is awful. But the question is, why don't you see that too?

Oh OP, sounds like a seriously fxxked up childhood that you haven't clicked about yet.

You will.

My mum is also suspected autism, (iam adhd and asd and diagnosed as a child because mum saw something not quite right in me, just not herself haha) and I can really relate to the snappy mum because she’s overwhelmed by what she feels is clutter, we have had many Xmas mornings nearly ruined because of it. It’s only now you’ve said about finding your mum in a quiet place that I’ve realised this about my mum too, we will often find her sitting alone in the kitchen on Christmas Day because she’s very overwhelmed by the rest of the house being full.

Yeah she’s probably experiencing burnout from having to make an effort with the guests all weekend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to make an effort with me! Thanks for your insight and context though 🌷 💖

She has a self imposed curriculum of things she ‘has’ to do like reading and Duolingo. She needs to get that they can’t really take priority over her daughter all the time though :)

Have you been given your presents yet? Or are they too busy with Duolingo and letter writing? Maybe start doing the same language so at least she'll talk to you for practice 😅

Yeah it took them till the end of the 24th 😂 it’s mainly my mum decompressing and doing other stuff I think

Jeez. Hope you're home in your own place now. Treat yourself to some extra birthday/surviving time with your parents gifts.

Just the cards not the presents 😂 they were in a box of other paper so fished them out

Im sorry OP. This makes me sad to read, but unfortunately is my experience with birthdays and my parents too since I became an adult. Im expected to rally round them to celebrate them on their birthday, but i don't get the same fuss.
I have a daughter now and I can't imagine ever prioritising anything above her and tbh your parents are giving the impression they care more about appearances in this group, than showing love and care for their daughter.
To me it shouldn't matter if you've had a bad year or not. They should put you first.
Would you feel comfortable talking to them about how you'd like to have special family time around your birthday? It doesnt sound to me like your demanding fancy meals and swathes of present. Just intimate family time and connection and your parents are lucky you want that from them. They shouldn't take it for granted. Lots of love x

It's not that I want a lot of fuss. I've had plenty of birthdays where all I got was a call, and then we had a family meal and gifts another day. It's that my birthday's been second rate to the golf weekend for the second year running and I haven't been asked if I minded or if I was planning to go to my friends instead. I get that multiple people's schedules have to be coordinated for the weekend though and I wouldn't have minded, but I wasn't asked. But then am I too old to have expected to be asked? :)

What elements are awful though? The arranging another event ( the reason why I keep stressing that I need to grow up around that is that I'm probably too old to care, and plenty of MNters have said there's no way they would expect a fuss around their birthday at 19 let alone 26) the snapping about getting my presents out the way as they were tidying the day after (yeah I think the binning the cards and referring to the gifts as 'that crap' was poor, but is stress an excuse)? or the delaying the attention on me with other tasks two days later? I think therapy would be great but am just deciding whether or not AIBU....

Your parents invited you for your birthday and then ignored you because they were busy with a golf weekend. Your mother threw your cards away and made no effort to actually celebrate your birthday. As a mother of young adults I find that awful. They don't seem to think you deserve any attention or care and it seems that over the years they've trained you to believe it as well. Therapy is a great idea, just talk about your family dynamic and maybe be open to the possibility that it isn't very loving.

I mean they might feel bad about it being a golf weekend, but is it really ok to uproot multiple people's schedules for a 26 year old's birthday who wouldn't even have expected a full day party, just a dinner and some gifts? I just feel I could have been asked about it, and a few more concessions made on the day ( I mean I did arrive in the evening, but they still could have called in the morning or similar). But is wishing me happy birthday in the evening okay? It's not like they didn't at all.

The throwing the cards away when tidying wasn't acceptable. She may have been flustered, but it wasn't really okay. Is the dinner and gifts not okay for celebrating my birthday? That's what I usually get from my parents and it's totally fine, just not so disrupted.

I have a problem with the fact the attention and care for me seems to come second to the golf weekend. But am I too old to care about that? You guys seem to think not which makes me stop second guessing 😁thanks Lady F

I only hope you have higher standards for potential romantic partners!

I think something like this would have been the more normal response from a parent:
'hey DDcotswoldblue, we know it's your birthday on Saturday, and we'd love to see you but we also have the annual golf club big dinner. Totally understand if you'd rather do something with your friends on your actual birthday. If you come the weekend after we can make a fuss of you and perhaps go for dinner/an outing of your choice? Love mum & dad'