Page 9 | Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

cotswoldsblue · 2025-11-19T12:21:29+00:00

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️ I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season. Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day. This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group. I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited. I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Dillydollydingdong · 20/11/2025 19:30

Birthdays just aren't that important once you get past childhood. Go out with your mates and let the parents go out with theirs!

AlertCat · 20/11/2025 19:32

Sounds like your parents are quite controlling of how you spend your time. So your mum wants you to spend your birthday watching (or helping) her prepare a meal that isn’t even in your honour as a birthday celebration, rather than going out with you to do something nice together? And now your family are offended that you want to do something that’s actually fun on your birthday and see them another time? Hmmmm.

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:32

Dillydollydingdong · 20/11/2025 19:30

Birthdays just aren't that important once you get past childhood. Go out with your mates and let the parents go out with theirs!

Yeah I agree. But I feel mean basically saying to my mum her invitation to the dinner she was making sounded rubbish 😹

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Duckswaddle · 20/11/2025 19:32

You sound very weirdly enmeshed with them. Stop fretting so much about them being disappointed that you’re not there for your birthday. Cut those apron strings love, it’s not that scary.

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:34

Duckswaddle · 20/11/2025 19:32

You sound very weirdly enmeshed with them. Stop fretting so much about them being disappointed that you’re not there for your birthday. Cut those apron strings love, it’s not that scary.

I’m not enmeshed, apron strings aren’t an issue as I’ve lived apart for years- but it’s okay to care about your parents’ feelings right? :)

Thanks tho Swaddle, great reassurance ♥️

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kiwiane · 20/11/2025 19:39

See your parents less and build your own social life; birthdays are less important as we get older.

Blades2 · 20/11/2025 19:42

I do hope your father isn’t a hunter.
id go else where for my birthdays too.

DaisyChain505 · 20/11/2025 19:45

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:23

But isn’t being a grown woman about being kind to your parents and compromising? She is of course making a nice dinner that I’d be part of and I’ve rejected that. It turns out they’d got me presents they were going to give me at some point too.

I just think she has to understand it’s not kind spending so much time on this event to my detriment if they’ve invited me to come and visit. I actually don’t mind it happening on my birthday, just taking up the whole day? Cook something quick for the evening! :)

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Being a grown woman doesn’t mean you had to nod and smile and do whatever other people say is what you should do.

You are allowed to have boundaries and you are allowed to spend your birthday as you wish.

You’re not saying your disowning them you’re just saying that your spending the day else where. You can always offer the weekend before/after as an option for them to see you when your Dad and brother can be free from their hobby and your mum won’t be busy playing Gordon Ramsey for them all day.

BuckChuckets · 20/11/2025 19:45

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:29

Like what? I’m an adult, why am I complaining my birthday isn’t all about me and refusing to compromise for my parents in their 60s :)

Thank you for validating my feelings though guys. That I’m not being childish and over dramatic, well maybe I am still worrying about it and not making my own decision

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What does them being in their 60s have to do with anything? It's your birthday, you had a bad experience last year of them being pretty unbothered it and making you feel bad/sad, and this year you're worrying about their feelings.

JayJayj · 20/11/2025 19:49

I know you have spoken to her now and that’s great. If it is mentioned again I would say how it isn’t a treat for you at all, you are merely being slotted in to their plans.

If anyone should e feeling offended it’s you, it doesn’t matter how busy you are, you can take 30 seconds to send a birthday message.

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

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BuckChuckets · 20/11/2025 20:11

Again, what was your childhood like? Because I would have said oi when are you coming to visit me, but it sounds like you haven't mentioned it even after the event. Why didn't you say something either at the time or afterwards? Do you not communicate much?

DaisyChain505 · 20/11/2025 20:16

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:34

I’m not enmeshed, apron strings aren’t an issue as I’ve lived apart for years- but it’s okay to care about your parents’ feelings right? :)

Thanks tho Swaddle, great reassurance ♥️

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Yes but they should equally care for your feelings and this situation shows that they don’t reciprocate.

It sounds like they’re using the hobby dinner as a kill two birds with one stone situation and adding your birthday onto a celebration that is already happening.

If their care for you matched how you care for their feelings they’d want to make you feel special on your birthday.

DaisyChain505 · 20/11/2025 20:19

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

I find this sad OP. I’m mid thirties and if I told my Dad I needed surgery his first question would be do I have someone to go with me.

Im fortunate enough to have a loving husband who would move the earth if needed for me however it’s the thought that counts and my Dad would want me to know he’s always an option of support.

You’re not being too childish it sounds like they’re not caring enough!

Partypants83 · 20/11/2025 20:20

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/11/2025 12:24

I wouldn't bother going at all, have your birthday with your friends and visit your family another weekend to celebrate your birthday when they are actually available.

This

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:21

BuckChuckets · 20/11/2025 20:11

Again, what was your childhood like? Because I would have said oi when are you coming to visit me, but it sounds like you haven't mentioned it even after the event. Why didn't you say something either at the time or afterwards? Do you not communicate much?

Phone call/whatsapp chat twice a week I’d say? And go to visit them once a month, I’d say they visit me once a month too.
Childhood I was black sheep as I’m neurodiverse and had some behavioural problems- I’ve obviously improved now haha but I’m paid less in my job than they’d like- much less than my brother- so think they still think of me that way!

I did say when are you coming to visit and they said the above reasons- I was just like okay and thought that if it was my daughter I would have hired a gardener. But I’m probably not thinking of an adult daughter. Travelling four hours for a minor procedure for a 25 year old? Is that expected?

I think I’m probably stuck in old patterns and looking for approval I didn’t get when I was younger. Time to grow up! 😃

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Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:22

DaisyChain505 · 20/11/2025 20:16

Yes but they should equally care for your feelings and this situation shows that they don’t reciprocate.

It sounds like they’re using the hobby dinner as a kill two birds with one stone situation and adding your birthday onto a celebration that is already happening.

If their care for you matched how you care for their feelings they’d want to make you feel special on your birthday.

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But for an ADULT birthday? :) thanks for your thoughts though 💖

OP posts:

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:26

DaisyChain505 · 20/11/2025 20:19

I find this sad OP. I’m mid thirties and if I told my Dad I needed surgery his first question would be do I have someone to go with me.

Im fortunate enough to have a loving husband who would move the earth if needed for me however it’s the thought that counts and my Dad would want me to know he’s always an option of support.

You’re not being too childish it sounds like they’re not caring enough!

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Oh my dad did ask that but when it was clear my brother would be around he was happy not coming. But is that expected? :)

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BuckChuckets · 20/11/2025 20:26

@cotswoldsblue I think I’m probably stuck in old patterns and looking for approval I didn’t get when I was younger. Time to grow up! 😃

Honestly it sounds like you're doing great, hopefully this thread has given you some food for thought about things you don't have to accept, family or not!

BuckChuckets · 20/11/2025 20:27

I'm 20 years older than you and my parents make a huge fuss over my birthday, bless them 😂

Pumpkinallspice · 20/11/2025 20:27

I'm assuming hunting buy you don't want to say? The dinners and socialising is a big part of it.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/11/2025 20:30

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

I began by thinking about throwing in one of MN’s favourites: “golden child” followed by: “scapegoat”, referring to your brother and you, (in that your parents were more or less ignoring your birthday and encouraging your brother’s shooting) but I read the post I quote above, and just think your parents are strange*, as your brother sounds normal.

As a parent, I’d have wanted to be there for your first op under GA and would certainly have prioritised your welfare over gardening, if not my working day, even if I was channeling Jennifer Aldridge** at the time. As a parent, I wouldn’t ask you to come home for your birthday week-end if I wasn’t going to go all out to celebrate it with you, and in any case, would expect you to celebrate with your friends rather than with your family, unless you had expressed a wish to be home with family for your birthday, which you clearly didn’t. As a parent, there’s no way I wouldn’t have sent you a card, a cake, a present, called you, messaged you, showed you that I was thinking of you and loved you if I wasn’t with you on your birthday. So I think your parents’ behaviour is strange, not yours.

*Like the Mitford parents.
**Gratuitous Archers reference.

browneyes77 · 20/11/2025 20:31

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:23

But isn’t being a grown woman about being kind to your parents and compromising? She is of course making a nice dinner that I’d be part of and I’ve rejected that. It turns out they’d got me presents they were going to give me at some point too.

I just think she has to understand it’s not kind spending so much time on this event to my detriment if they’ve invited me to come and visit. I actually don’t mind it happening on my birthday, just taking up the whole day? Cook something quick for the evening! :)

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But you have already been compromising on previous birthdays.

It’s just that this year you expect your grown adult mother to also compromise and allow you to spend your birthday as you wish and not guilt trip you about it. And it’s not as if she’s making the dinner for you to celebrate your birthday. She won’t even compromise and spend a couple of hours with you on your birthday. Her only focus is cooking for others. That’s not very kind or compromising to you is it?

I’m 48 and my Mom is my best friend. We tell each other everything and have an incredibly close relationship. We always have had.

But she would never expect me to always choose to see her for my birthday as an adult. She got to spend all my birthdays with me when I was young. As an adult I get to make my own choices, which she respects.

I think it’s fine to go see your folks on your birthday some years if that’s what you want to do, but you have your own life to live and shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about making adult choices of what to do on your birthday. You can easily go see them the following/previous weekend and spend time with them, where they can give gifts.

Homegrownberries · 20/11/2025 20:32

She happens to be making a nice dinner. She's not making it especially for you. Now she's offended. It's your birthday and it seems to be about everyone except you.

I have a ds your age. I wouldn't be offended in the slightest. I'd want him to enjoy his birthday. Your parents are unreasonable.

Go out with your friends!

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 20/11/2025 20:32

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 19:23

But isn’t being a grown woman about being kind to your parents and compromising? She is of course making a nice dinner that I’d be part of and I’ve rejected that. It turns out they’d got me presents they were going to give me at some point too.

I just think she has to understand it’s not kind spending so much time on this event to my detriment if they’ve invited me to come and visit. I actually don’t mind it happening on my birthday, just taking up the whole day? Cook something quick for the evening! :)

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I’ve got adult children and tbh I go visit them to drop off gifts if I can’t see them on their birthday. Their birthday is special to me as it was one of the best days of my life and no way could I not send a message first thing! And I certainly would not demand they came to me just for me to prioritize my other child’s friends. You should be the focus of her day that day. Cooking a bloody meal is nothing compared to having a lunch with your adult daughter who has taken the time to spend her birthday with you. Your mum sounds self centred and now suggesting she is going withhold your gifts? Why can’t she travel to you?