Page 10 | Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

cotswoldsblue · 2025-11-19T12:21:29+00:00

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️ I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season. Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day. This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group. I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited. I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 20/11/2025 20:35

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

You’re not childish! That’s awful they prioritized gardening over helping a family member who was having surgery. You need 24 supervision after a GA. Sorry but gardening can wait. My 80 year old mother offered to travel 7 hours and stay with me after surgery. You want to look after your kids when they are sick at any age. Did they not care?

browneyes77 · 20/11/2025 20:38

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/11/2025 13:16

It's really good that you've addressed this with your mum and have a bit more clarity.

...she just explained they'd been busy preparing the dinner but with no apology.

She's really not prioritising you on your bd at all, is she? Which may be hurtful, but allows you to make future decisions without guilt or feelings of being beholden. And not just about your birthday.

She seemed a little hurt

I'd look at that again. Was she really hurt, or just surprised and a bit put out that you weren't going along with their plans as you usually would? Surprised and put out that you had questioned the status quo, which is that nothing is changed just because it's your birthday. No one is too busy to text/phone their DD on her birthday. Or to send a card in advance. She chose not to. She has other priorities.

I just feel I've rejected my parents' invitation and prioritised friends.

I think that's what you've been taught to feel. To take blame onto yourself where there is none.

i think you’re at a perfect age to see these family dynamics for what they are and truly shift focus to your own life and the life you can create for yourself. I hope you have a great birthday with your friends.

Edited

Excellent post

longtompot · 20/11/2025 20:41

I've just realised that I can't remember the last time my parents made a fuss of my birthday! They only live round the corner too. I don't really like celebrating it much anymore but it's still nice if a family member wishes you a lovely day.
I make sure my kids have what ever day they would like on their birthdays, and they are all now late 20s. My ds lives away so I make sure he gets presents sent to him, and a card, and I always message him in the morning.
I hope you have a great time with your friends @cotswoldsblue and celebrate your birthday how you want to🥳

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:46

longtompot · 20/11/2025 20:41

I've just realised that I can't remember the last time my parents made a fuss of my birthday! They only live round the corner too. I don't really like celebrating it much anymore but it's still nice if a family member wishes you a lovely day.
I make sure my kids have what ever day they would like on their birthdays, and they are all now late 20s. My ds lives away so I make sure he gets presents sent to him, and a card, and I always message him in the morning.
I hope you have a great time with your friends @cotswoldsblue and celebrate your birthday how you want to🥳

To the first line, exactly. I think there’s an expectation clash somewhere along the line 😃 thanks for the wishes!

OP posts:

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/11/2025 20:47

I wouldn’t go, you’re just being offered to tag along to dinner for your brother dad and friends. Why would you? Next year when your mum asks say is it dinner for my birthday or is it just I can turn up to dinner for brother and dad? As I won’t be doing that on my birthday, I’m allowed to celebrate my birthday not just be a total afterthought.

im an adult. but I’m not sure I’d expect a 4h drive to visit the hospital :)

Gagaandgag · 20/11/2025 20:48

Starting to all make better sense after your last post. I think having some talking therapy about your childhood and parents could be really helpful.

I think the fact that you use the term ‘black sheep’ is very telling. You have unresolved trauma

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:49

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 20/11/2025 20:35

You’re not childish! That’s awful they prioritized gardening over helping a family member who was having surgery. You need 24 supervision after a GA. Sorry but gardening can wait. My 80 year old mother offered to travel 7 hours and stay with me after surgery. You want to look after your kids when they are sick at any age. Did they not care?

Show quote history

For the gardening the flowers would have died or something, I can’t remember the details. They did video chat to me on WhatsApp. When it came to the help, my brother was there. If he hadn’t been there I’m sure they would have come.

It’s just… for my daughter I think I would have travelled at least one of the days. Even an adult daughter 🧒

OP posts:

Gagaandgag · 20/11/2025 20:51

And it’s difficult when you start comparing what your parents do for you and how you think you would do it for your own children.
My parents have never told me they love me but I tell my children frequently every day.

I hear you- you just want to feel special and valued. Sounds like you’ve never felt that way to them.

Gentlydoesit2 · 20/11/2025 20:51

Prioritise yourself. No-one else is 😘

Homegrownberries · 20/11/2025 21:05

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:49

For the gardening the flowers would have died or something, I can’t remember the details. They did video chat to me on WhatsApp. When it came to the help, my brother was there. If he hadn’t been there I’m sure they would have come.

It’s just… for my daughter I think I would have travelled at least one of the days. Even an adult daughter 🧒

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So what if the flowers died? Flowers aren't more important than the people you love.

Homegrownberries · 20/11/2025 21:08

You mentioned your own neurodiversity. Your parents behavior isn't what you'd call typical. I'm wondering if there might be more to it than it appears.

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 21:10

Homegrownberries · 20/11/2025 21:05

So what if the flowers died? Flowers aren't more important than the people you love.

Show quote history

The procedure was minor and I’m an adult. They did video call. Is it really worth the flowers dying for something like that where I had support anyway?

But as a mum I would have been down there sorry. Some MNeters say they wouldn’t have bothered. So no right answer really 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 21:28

Homegrownberries · 20/11/2025 21:08

You mentioned your own neurodiversity. Your parents behavior isn't what you'd call typical. I'm wondering if there might be more to it than it appears.

The general consensus seems to be the holding the event on my birthday is fine (as the season is limited and multiple schedules have to be coordinated) but that expecting me to attend and getting perturbed if I don’t is weird. The hospital thing seems to be fine.

My friend said they should have made more effort not to hold the event on my birthday even if it meant some people couldn’t come. But I don’t mind, I’m an adult after all, I just don’t want to go up there on that day 😂

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 20/11/2025 21:38

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

This is just odd behaviour from them. The birthday thing is silly, but I can’t believe neither of them came to visit you in hospital. That’s really unkind and thoughtless of them.

I’m sorry, OP. At least you’ve got your brother.

BartholemewTheCat · 20/11/2025 21:39

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 21:28

The general consensus seems to be the holding the event on my birthday is fine (as the season is limited and multiple schedules have to be coordinated) but that expecting me to attend and getting perturbed if I don’t is weird. The hospital thing seems to be fine.

My friend said they should have made more effort not to hold the event on my birthday even if it meant some people couldn’t come. But I don’t mind, I’m an adult after all, I just don’t want to go up there on that day 😂

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I do feel like you minimise your own feelings on this a fair bit in your comments. It’s ok to feel sad or just a bit discombobulated about it even if you’re an adult.

Their priorities are odd, in my opinion. Ok, when you get to adulthood you don’t expect to have jelly and ice cream and to blow out the candles, but I’d have thought if they were so insistent on you attending at theirs for your birthday, the least they could do is centre you for a bit on the day.

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/11/2025 21:48

cotswoldsblue · 19/11/2025 12:35

Guys I literally don’t want to go, people are still making comments about waiting around for my parents at 26 and not planning my own day 😆 I was asking if you were my mum would you be offended at me not coming? I don’t think she gets to be

You seem to be changing your tune compared to what you originally wrote:

I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year.

I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery.

Which is it? You don’t want to go or you only want to go if the day revolves around you?

redskydelight · 20/11/2025 21:57

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 21:10

The procedure was minor and I’m an adult. They did video call. Is it really worth the flowers dying for something like that where I had support anyway?

But as a mum I would have been down there sorry. Some MNeters say they wouldn’t have bothered. So no right answer really 😂

Show quote history

It sounds like you are used to making excuses for your parents behaviour and not expecting very much from them. I'm also going to guess that you are a people pleaser in other aspects of your life?

The MNetters who are saying they wouldn't expect parents to make a fuss of an adult birthday are not talking about your situation. If you invite your adult child to come to your house on their birthday weekend, you don't basically ignore the fact it's their birthday but get annoyed if they prefer not to come. This is entirely different to not bothering to make a fuss of them at all. (And a phone call/text/card in the morning is not making a huge fuss).

Cherrytree86 · 20/11/2025 22:21

Howwilliknow122 · 19/11/2025 18:12

What an offensive comment. So what if shes 26 and not 6. Op wants to do something with her mum , which is really nice and mum is too stupid to spend the day with her daughter, would rather be at home cooking for others then be with her child (what ever age )

Edited

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@Howwilliknow122

yep mum should drop everything to be with her child. Just part and parcel of being a mother.

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/11/2025 00:11

HundredMilesAnHour · 20/11/2025 21:48

You seem to be changing your tune compared to what you originally wrote:

I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year.

I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery.

Which is it? You don’t want to go or you only want to go if the day revolves around you?

Show quote history

She’d want to go if it was her birthday dinner. She doesn’t want to go to be marginalised on her birthday while her parents put the work into her dad and brother (again) for her birthday. This seems very easy to understand?

JayJayj · 21/11/2025 03:21

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 20:05

Yes for me I think it's a case of me wanting more affection and concessions made for me, as an adult, than they think to provide.

Another example is that I was in hospital for two nights for a minor surgical procedure earlier this year. My parents both live in the countryside two hours away. My father was working from home all day and my mother was gardening all day as the bulbs had to be planted right that second or similar and other flowers had to be tended to- it was January/February, so still dark early. So neither of them came to visit me- my brother did, and he picked me up.

If the procedure had been serious I'm sure they would have come. But it was still my first surgery under anaesthesia with a lot of blood loss. Should at least one of them have moved plans around? They both had good reasons. If I was them, either my dad could have taken the day off (which might not have been possible) or my mum got up at 6am or something to get the gardening done (but then have to travel for four hours).

What I've learnt from this thread is that loads of you (and your input is great) are saying they wouldn't have dreamed of expecting their parents to do the above past the age of 20 or so. Perhaps I'm still quite childlike in that respect. :)

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine my mum choosing anything over visiting me in the hospital. My mum has dropped things to come to the dentist with me ( I’m 40 now and can go by myself but up until about 5 years I couldn’t due to severe anxiety)

We (my mum and my 2 sisters) always get together to do something for each other’s birthdays. Whether it’s just ordering food in and eating together or going out and doing something. One of us gets the cake. We sing happy birthday. I’m 40, one 39 and one 27. I imagine we’ll be doing this forever.

Have they always put you last through your life? Do they do the same to your brother or is he treated differently?

Blizzardofleaves · 21/11/2025 04:10

cotswoldsblue · 20/11/2025 21:28

The general consensus seems to be the holding the event on my birthday is fine (as the season is limited and multiple schedules have to be coordinated) but that expecting me to attend and getting perturbed if I don’t is weird. The hospital thing seems to be fine.

My friend said they should have made more effort not to hold the event on my birthday even if it meant some people couldn’t come. But I don’t mind, I’m an adult after all, I just don’t want to go up there on that day 😂

Show quote history

Nothing would stop me being with my adult dd at the hospital. I’m sorry op but this is terrible! Some comfort and kkndness should not be hard. Your mum was gardening???

Op, I would have some counselling and talk through your childhood. Your mother in particular sounds so indifferent and hasn’t provided you with love and affection. This is why you are second guessing yourself.

Most parents would offer to be around for any medical treatment. Most parents would want to celebrate your birthday. I sm
sorry your parents are so neglectful. You sound like a truly lovely person. Look into lining up some proper support.

Financial · 21/11/2025 05:24

I have a DD of 26

She does what she wants to do on her birthday and I feel privileged if she chooses to spend it with me.

POTC · 21/11/2025 08:02

Glad you've made the decision to do your own thing, as a mum I'd say that whilst she might be a bit hurt, she has no right to be and will get over it.
However, you are being unreasonable to expect them to do a smaller/less effort meal. It's clearly a shoot and you can't just 'bung a couple of cottage pies in the oven' for that. They'd be completely ostracised by the community if they did and rumours would spread that they were going bankrupt 😂

Theslummymummy · 21/11/2025 08:31

MumOryLane · 19/11/2025 12:27

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to choose to spend your birthday with your mates instead but overall I think at 26 it's not realistic to expect them to adapt plans for a birthday during peak hobby season that sounds like is a long standing commitment with multiple people beyond your brother.

Doesn't sound like it's her mums hobby though, she's just wanting to spend an entire day making a meal for them, like they've just hunted and killed a bear and will be expecting a banquet

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 21/11/2025 09:08

Spend it with your friends, you're 26! I can't remember seeing my sons on their birthday since they left home, but if they did turn up I'd be thrilled!