Adult DD not going to parents for birthday as they organised other event

[cotswoldsblue]

I’d love some mum advice on if I’m AIBU ♥️

I’m turning 26 on Saturday and my father and brother have a seasonal hobby, let’s say golf but it’s not. They often organise weekends around it in the countryside, where my parents live, during the season.

Last year my birthday fell on a Friday and I was invited up to see my parents. I didn’t get a message from them for the entire Friday- I think as they were frazzled preparing an evening meal for the golf group that were turning up. They of course said happy birthday when I arrived in the evening, and I had a meal with the group that was three courses and lovely- but something in the back of my mind thought it would have been nice to get a message from them that day, or a cake or cards to acknowledge it was my day, with the meal… I did get gifts the next day.

This year they’ve organised another golf weekend and my birthday falls on Saturday. My father, brother and the golf group will be out all day, so I hinted to my mum we could have a day out, go to the beach or local gallery. She said absolutely not as she was spending all day preparing the dinner for the golf group.

I don’t see to be honest why they need an elaborate meal when they get back- maybe if there was nothing else going on, but it’s my birthday as well. Can’t we just put a few cottage pies in the oven, for example, which would take a couple of hours, and a pre done cake for everyone? I just feel my parents could focus more on me especially as I’ve had a tough year. I don’t mind them organising the weekend on that date as the window is limited.

I’d rather spend the day with my friends in the city and come in the evening, and hinted that to my mother, but she seemed upset at that and I don’t drive, so would need to be picked up from the train station which is extra hassle. AINBU or do I need to grow up? :)

And nothing would keep me from the hospital if they were alone and needed me, however far it was.

Let her be offended. She's making no effort anyway. None of them are! Have a fabulous birthday with your friends.

I’m 45 and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve spent my birthday with my mother, brother or sister since I was 18!

Enjoy yourself and do what you want with friends.

tough if she’s offended…
She doesn’t want to rearrange her plans for your birthday, so you tell her you gave her an option, she declined so you’ve made other plans.
BUT I am guessing it’s a shooting weekend and people pay a small fortune and do expect food… so it’s also not as easy to just reorganise these things

Hello lovely. I’m genuinely upset about all the concessions you’re making and how you’re justifying their behaviour, and justifying your own behaviour in putting up with this. It’s YOUR birthday celebration. That can either be with family (no day long dinner prep, NO ‘GOLF MEAL’ either!!) or it can be with friends. Being expected, encouraged, or feeling ‘that you should’ go to something on your birthday, which isn’t about your birthday, is not an option, nor is it OK. I know it must be difficult because you’re a very kind and generous person, but please try to start taking on board what people on here are saying.

I don’t understand why the flowers couldn’t have been planted a day or two sooner or a day or two later… flowers come with ‘plant March/April type instructions not plant 15th March or they’ll die!

I have had a couple of minor procedures like the one you describe. My dad has always offered to come and help and did come with me once as my DH needed to be with our kids - but if I said it was ok and DH or a friend or whatever was picking me up, they would just have called. That seems fine to me!

I haven't spent a birthday with my parents since I was a child TBH and that doesn't bother me at all. They call on my birthday, that's fine with me

Is it today? If so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY @cotswoldsblue

Its not too much to expect your parents to message you, if the weekend is busy then you plan something for the previous or following weekend, inviting you to a meal that isn’t actually for you isn’t reasonable… she’s cooking that meal for your brother and his hobby mates…. Not for you!…
Enjoy your day

Just by pure fluke, I spent my most recent birthday (41) with my mum.

We mentioned at the time that it was probably the first birthday of mine that I'd seen her on for probably getting on 20 years. I have a late September birthday, and as a school teacher, that's NEVER holiday time. Plus she lives 2 hours away, which isn't exactly "pop round for a coffee" distance. We've done plenty of "nearest weekend to" get-togethers to celebrate my birthday, but on the actual day? No.

Mums birthday often falls during the easter holidays, so I've tended to see her more often.

OP, if you'd rather see your friends, that's fine!! You're 26 years old, not 6. You're allowed to spend your birthday in the way that most brings you joy. And frankly, if your mum is a bit upset to not see you on the day, she think about that quietly to herself, and perhaps behave a bit better in the future.
And honestly, it doesn't sound as if your dad or brother give the tiniest of shits anyway. And mum only marginally more so.

This!

Have a fun birthday!

@cotswoldsblue Reading the rest of your updates, your parents also just sound generally a bit, self focused? Not able to think about how you would feel?/what you would actually want? Do they have ND too?

You are obviously low on their priorities list, go be with people who want to spend time with you.

Your family are prioritising your Dad and brother's hobby over your birthday. All you want is a family meal, that doesn't revolve around golf, on your birthday. I don't think that's too much to ask. You clearly aren't going to get the birthday you want from your family, they seem rather oblivious to be honest. Therefore, don't feel guilty for spending your birthday with people that appreciate you and actually want to celebrate with you. Visit your family the following day instead.

Seems to me your whole family quite frankly put you behind everything else going on in their lives. It is your day. It only comes round once a year and they should make a fuss of you if you've bothered to travel all the way home to be with them on that day. I honestly think you'd be better off with your friends.
I'm willing to bet your brother is the golden child...which would make you the spare...wise up x

I wasn’t able to read through all the messages so if you’ve already addressed this then apologies… but I’m assuming by “golf” you mean “shoot”… can’t you go out on the shoot with your dad and brother and actually enjoy the day? Or if it’s just not your thing, then go and do something else. I appreciate your mum might be a bit put out… I get the tradition and all that… but she will get over it!

Go out with your friends if your family seem to give more weight to the golf club events than your birthday.

Look in the mirror and repeat your age, welcome to adult life.

Op I've not read the thread I'm sure it's moved on by now but just be blunt. Mum it's my birthday and again it's being dominated by golf I'm.sorry it's not fun for me and I'm not coming.

She sounds blinded by her men.

Omg of course it's not unreasonable to expect your parents to offer some support after an operation !
Or to make a fuss of your bday !!

I certainly will for my adult DC!!

They sound terribly self absorbed and rigid.

You’re 26 lovely, spend it having fun with your friends and actually get to celebrate yourself.

Your family should come to see you on Sunday after the “golf”thing and take you out to lunch or something for your birthday.

This! Tell your parents to find a weekend when they aren't doing golf and can celebrate properly with you then.

I think your parents were being less than honest pretending the dinner was in any way a birthday celebration, it was purely coincidental. Make plans with your friends for your birthday and see your parents when you both have time.

Yanbu.
Your mother's priority is the dinner.
You definitely should go out with your friends.

Your mother is extremely unreasonable and I wouldn't entertain it.

Its hunting/shooting isnt it? I recognise the pattern. One thing i will say is if it is shooting, then its a bit more than a hobby as its more like their way of life and the big dinner is a big part.

But its not your way of life so you should do as you want to

Aw thank you! Yes was Saturday :)

So just to update you all, I went out with my friends on Saturday night and went on the train to my parents Sunday morning. The golf people were still there when I arrived around 11am, eating breakfast, they all said happy birthday which was nice and they didn't leave till around 2. There was one moment where I found my mum sitting in the spare room doing Duolingo.

My brother and a golf person who's a family friend gave me a present and a card each. Another family friend was coming that evening around 6. The moment the golf people left my mum was flapping about tidying and snapped at me to 'get this crap out of here' dumping the presents on the stairs. The other family friend left this morning and I've stayed the night.

This morning I went to visit my mum in her bedroom and she's doing embroidery. I noted the cards were missing and asked both my parents were they were, they seem to think they put them in the recycling. (I wanted to display them in my flat)

They told me they got me presents but there's no sign of them yet, my dad's writing a letter :)

What I've come to see is that my mum's very overwhelmed by organising this social weekend which is why I keep finding her in quiet moments decompressing (there was another occasion too). I suspect, as other posters have said, she may be autistic/ND.

I'm allowed to acknowledge that but I'm also allowed to acknowledge the following:

1. It's a bit mean to call my presents rubbish and to bin cards within an hour of receiving them, even if you are flustered with organising and want the room tidy. Maybe they thought I wouldn't want to keep the cards to be fair?
2. My parents seem tired and want to decompress, but I feel by 11am they could be acknowledging I've travelled up and want to make the day special. They'll give my gifts later today obviously.. I do have to understand I'm an adult, I knew they were organising this weekend and I chose to accept their invitation and visit.

I think what I can learn is that I can be slightly hurt at my mum's behaviour (I doubt my dad's anything to do with the presents, they probably aren't wrapped haha) but also understand it may not be her fault. I grew up thinking if they got annoyed it was always my fault. I can see more nuance now thanks to MNetters :)