First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him

I would find this over the top for a 1st anniversary of dating. It sounds as though you have different priorities and different values.

You’d be too much for me and I’d be leaving. I’ve been with my husband ten years and we don’t do much for our anniversary. If we remember we will go for a meal together at some point near the actual date.

You’re making a massive deal out of only one year with someone you think is boring.

Personally I don’t really care about anniversaries so that wouldn’t bother me but his general tightness is grim. Paying half the petrol money for a day out??

I’m not sure you’re ever going to get what you need from this relationship.

Thank you so much: to be clear, he always says how much I am the love of his life and he wants to live together etc so it's not like he's cold at all or not intense.

Thank you so much: to be clear, he always says how much I am the love of his life and he wants to live together etc so it's not like he's cold at all or not intense.

Celebrating a year of dating is something I would expect from teenagers, not a 46 year old woman who is demanding grand gestures to validate the relationship.

I feel sorry for him.

I think you need to date someone else who cares about the same things that you do.

Don't let him think you're the love of his life, when he's clearly not the love of your life.

Yeah, come back in a decade a year is nothing. I wouldn't remember when we met but I'm sorry your sad about it

He sounds dull and tight and you sound a bit intense and hard work OP and like you have a lot going on. I don't think this has legs at all.

I think people are missing the point! It’s not just the anniversary it’s everything! I wouldn’t be getting worked up about a one year dating anniversary but the pay half for petrol, never treating you would also give me the absolute ick.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Your teen daughter behaved badly and you needed to go to the hospital for support? That sounds very serious. Perhaps have some time apart while you work through some of the issues you're facing.

It does sound to me like he hasn't done anything wrong, although paying half for petrol seems a bit odd to me in your 40s. Maybe you're just not compatible.

You aren’t a good match and will be forever feeling neglected. Time’s up on this one.

I am married to a man who is frugal. You start to feel unimportant. Gifts feel like ‘what’s the least I can get away with’, rather than, ‘what would she love?’.

Meals where we can’t relax and order a bit much. Can’t eat too late. Can’t have a starter and a pudding. Can’t have the mixed grill. Can’t have coffee and cake at a national trust.

It gets worse with age not better. It never, ever feels welcoming and generous. It feels utilitarian. Enough to keep you alive, not to enjoy or feel spoiled.

So accept him for what he is or decide it’s not for you and leave. Don’t spend your time beating him over the head with a stick and doing all these grand gestures and then moping because they’re not reciprocated.

Does he even want a bunch of framed photos of you both? I’d hate that as a present and much prefer the idea of a meal and a walk together. You’re forcing your idea of romance onto everything and I would be off like a shot if I were him.

If it was just the anniversary, I’d not worry. Not everyone tracks dates or celebrates everything. But it’s everything else.

I think you’re being a bit much about the anniversary but the tightness would certainly give me the ick to the point where I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. Not to even mention his lack of care about recent events.

Personally celebrating a first anniversary of dating wouldn't even enter my head.

And I don't think ott birthday presents are at all necessary so long as the occasion is celebrated with a bit of love and affection.

I do think his penny pinching is concerning, although you say that money has been tight for him lately and perhaps is more of a worry for him than you actually realise.

I wonder if you are actually compatible? Because if he really doesn't do big celebrations and presents for life events and these are important to you then the resentment will fester. And if he continues to be obsessive about meticulously sharing costs then that will be a real turn off. Perhaps he isn't the man for you?

The ‘anniversary’ thing wouldn’t bother me at all- I wouldn’t have a clue when I met DH ( or any other BF before him) and we don’t really make a huge deal of out wedding anniversary. But you sound like you don’t really like him anyway and I think the general penny pinching would get on my nerves as well. If it’s already giving you the Ick I’m not sure it’s going to get better..

You want to celebrate the anniversary of what, exactly?!? A completely shitty relationship?

Why oh why are women settling for such absolute losers?

This isn't going to work. Why are you desperate to hold onto it if you're getting the ick anyway?

You both deserve better.

Respectfully, OP, you had only been dating him two months when you went way over the top for his birthday. Yes, he sounds like a tightwad, and you admit he’s dull, but you also sound quite over the top. The relationship simply isn’t working for you, so why on earth are you focused on celebrating being together a year rather than acknowledging he’s not what you want and moving on. Whether he thinks you’re the ‘love of his life’ is totally irrelevant. You focus on you.

Sorry you’re a bit old age 46 to be fixated on an anniversary of your first date/meeting - kindly you sound very emotional and needy (your daughter is screaming but you are so over wrought the police want to take you to hospital)

that being said the constant splitting of costs would put me off too

OP said he was mortified when he realised about the petrol etc and stopped.

Overall he sounds like a good person to me, from what OP has said. By all means throw him back if you don't think he's making grand enough gestures though on a one year dating anniversary for a couple in their forties.

This. You just aren't on the same page here and after a year in you should be still in the honeymoon phase.

This could be looked at in two extreme cases.

You are OTT and place too much importance on a birthday/anniversary gift.

Doesn't even sound like he is special to you, meh.
He's laid back, although the birthday gift was more than enough, earrings and a meal.

You're not ready emotionally to be in a relationship.

Some people are just not big on over the top present buying and celebrations. You are, and maybe a little over the top when you said about the birthday meal after 2 months. I'd expect maybe a card and small gift for a first anniversary, it's not your wedding anniversary after all. It's only a year of dating.