Sick kids and work

[wallypops3]

My work situation is that I work Tuesday to Friday and my ds4 goes to preschool on these days. Last week I had to take most of the week off because he had a viral winter bug. Nasty cough, high temperature, generally lethargic and unwell. Just wanted rest and cuddles. On the first day my dh looked after him but he had work commitments for the rest of the week. I took Wednesday and Thursday off. By Friday I thought he’d improved a little so I sent him back to pre school and went to work. Got a call at midday saying his temperature was up again and he was upset so I had to leave work and go collect him.

My workplace doesn’t have a policy for child sickness and I have used up my annual leave (the final two days on the Wed and Thurs last week). When I went back to work today I felt like my boss was a bit short with me and asked how I planned to cover it. I am able to work from home but boss wouldn’t allow it in these circumstances which is fair enough but realistically I’d have been able to get stuff done as he was mostly asleep on the sofa or watching tv. There are far more distractions and chatting in the office to be honest.

Anyway it’s left me feeling a bit down and deflated. We have no family to support us in situations like this and I don’t expect it’s the first and only time he’ll be sick this winter. I don’t take the piss but when my dc is unable to go to childcare what choice do I have? I feel very guilty to my employer but also very guilty for sending dc back to pre school when he clearly wasn’t ready. How do you address this if you don’t have help?

This is mumsnet. People always latch onto an irrelevant point and pile on about it. Just don’t respond to that point and let them echo into the wind.

About 15 years ago there was a Nurse who revealed information about Prince William’s wife as she worked in the hospital she was admitted to. She went on here and got torn to pieces. Later on, she killed herself. Not saying mumsnet caused it but it won't have helped. It's a vicious place at times.

There is no solution here. You cannot be in two places at once. That’s why full-time work is incompatible with motherhood and mothers should be supported by government to raise future taxpayers.

But we're not. So we and our children as well as our careers suffer. None of them get done to their fullest and we end up burned out.

Your job is just as important as your husband’s because you find it fulfilling. Neither of your jobs has any intrinsic meaning or worth. It's about how they matter to you.

I once had to be off with DD who had S&D my boss was furious (he went to HR I’m guessing they told him to pack it in). He told me I should have rung around a bunch of nurseries to find one who would take her and just lie about the fact she was ill.
i can’t think of a single person who would have taken DD in that state (DH did the next day) I can’t believe you can cultivate relationships like that.
I have a neighbour who I was friendly with who dumped me when she realised I wasn’t going to be childcare including for sick children.

These suggestions are so hysterical. It's almost comical to read all that tripe 😂

Good job, OP, you don't need to cultivate these sorts of relationships as you are legally entitled to time off. It's really a non issue but somehow, some people on mumsnet seem to get orgasms about that fact that mums take time off to look after an ill toddler.

I know this thread has run for many pages now, but I wanted to respond to first of all say - well done @wallypops3 for staying calm in the face of so many infuriating posts, and also, I get everything that you are saying.

It is really hard as a working parent, and let's face it, particularly as a working mother, when you have to deal with urgent family matters. You had no choice - you had to care for your child and you took leave to do so. On a practical level, I absolutely see that this is potentially inconvenient for your employer, and I get the stress / upset you will then feel when you pick up on your boss's ire. It's all just incompatible.

The comments about your DH are ridiculous, you explained the situation well - it made sense to make the choices you did, on another week, it would have been easier / possible for DH to pick up the slack. It wasn't, you had to - really not ideal for you but what could you do?

I have seen for years on MN this really irritating 'have a back-up', including mention of these (surely mythical?) agencies that will arrive, Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee-like, to care for your sick offspring, with no notice.

It's true that some families have GP or family members close at hand who can step in - this is great. Some families, like yours, don't. Neither do I - I am a single parent, ex is essentially useless / uninvolved, no family close by and no friends that are in a position to help. My DC are now older, the issue is less pressing but I still have really difficult moments where my DC need me - and there's only me - and it impacts my work. I am lucky to have a good degree of flexibility and autonomy within my role but it is still stressful.

I just find it so annoying that so many MN'ers can not envisage different worlds to theirs - I can absolutely believe - and it sound great! - that there are 'it takes a village' communities, where it's so much easier to ask favours from obliging neighbours, where family members live locally and so on. A family member actually lives in a rural enough area, and has a large extended family, knows everyone in her community and as she runs her own business, was always popping out of work to pick up a second cousin or neigbour's kid from school and take them to her office for an hour or similar. She was amazed that I had to spend a fortune on breakfast club, lunchtime pickups, afterschool, summer camps and the like when my kids were small. But I did. So do many people. Swings and roundabouts, I'm sure - I'm sure there are advantages I have where I live and with my lifestyle that others might not.

I just wanted to add that I met someone on maternity leave whose partner’s company would let him work from home when their child was sick and they would organise and pay for a nanny for the day to help with childcare. He earned enough that she didn’t have to go back to work though - typical 😂

I've never done this. I really hope none of my team would either - firstly, if someone has a sick DC, I will do everything I can to support my team member, including enabling WFH, taking leave and working time up (if no leave left) and redistributing tasks, but secondly, it'd be dishonest and problematic, requiring the colleague to lie multiple times.

I have always ensured I had annual leave set aside for family emergencies as I have no back-up; this meant shorter holidays, not taking days off when I might have liked to. These days I'm really lucky that we have flexibility around hours and can work up / take time which is very helpful for anyone stuck for days.

I'm in Ireland and we don't have the provision to take leave to care for dependents, other than annual leave (except a very limited number of days that can be taken once in 3 years, and must be for an exceptional and urgent situation e.g. emergency admission to hospital or similar. No help for just routine illness!)

As I’ve explained many, many times…I did extra last week because I had an empty calendar and dh did not. He had important meetings and a trip planned. If he’d cancelled it would have inconvenienced a lot of people and probably got him in hot water at work. We are fair, he does tend to be the one who has more scope to work from home and any other week he probably would have done the lions share. I’m not going to kick up a fuss over it in the name of ‘being fair’ because being fair also means prioritising and coming up with a solution that makes the most sense. Not a simple down the middle split. I really cannot be bothered to try and explain this anymore.

Thank you to those who really get it. I do appreciate the support. Boss hasn’t mentioned it again and my workplace has not collapsed in the few days I had off last week.

I'm glad you got through this @wallypops3 it's really very stressful.

You possibly answered this but when does your annual leave calendar re-set? Is it January? I know you have now used up all your leave; I agree there's a chance you may need to take more leave, so it could be worth bringing it up directly with your boss now? I know it's hard to do.

That he won't facilitate some degree of WFH is really disappointing - I always operate from a position of trust with my team; if they can WFH and care for their DC, and we can cover anything urgent across the team, I'm happy to do this. I know that 99% of people will step up when they are back in work and pick up anything they had to drop, as I am realistic that WFH with a sick child is going to mean a less productive day. But so what? If they do less hours on that day, but get certain work done, and then pick it up when they are back, and there is no significant impact on our outputs, it's surely fine. It's the big picture that matters, not every minute of every day.

I don't know how receptive your boss will be - perhaps not very - but I completely empathise with that horrible feeling of sensing the irritation or unhappiness from your employer when there is nothing you could have done differently. 💐

It’s not the norm, I don’t know anyone who would ever do this! Poor kids 💔

Totally agree with everything you say in this post and also just wanted to respond to say that as someone who manages people - I would absolutely let someone wfh (in jobs like those that I manage that can easily be done from home) with ill children. I work with people who I trust and respect, who get the job done and are focused on results and meeting outcomes/responsibilities rather than presenteeism. Also when you've got really good team members who you can rely on to produce work/results, giving them flexibility around these issues when they come up keep people engaged and loyal. Replacing good people is hard, time-consuming and costly to the business. I really sympathise with all working parents who don't have local support and

Honestly, I’ve never had a “less productive day” when caring for a poorly DC at home.

I’m always less productive in the office, when people can just walk up and interrupt me, than when WFH.

Productivity also varies normally on any given day. Should I have to take AL when I’m on the first day of my period, because brain fog means I’m operating at 75% capacity?!

And will probably end up doing a 12hr day when at home with poorly DC to make sure any extra breaks to give cuddles, snacks, etc are accounted for.

It’s really not rocket science if employers just have a little trust in their staff.

People get cross because childcare always seems to disproportionately fall to the mother and that the ‘D’H’s job is more important to miss. Op already said she doesn’t like others and even her own DH caring for their kids.

We’re getting to a point where companies will again prefer to hire men, it’s depressing and worrying against a sharp rise in unemployment.

But she used AL on the Wednesday and Thursday and went back to work on the Friday. It was literally an emergency as the school rang her to collect him! What else was she supposed to do? Her DH was in another country, not everyone has family they can rely on!

I work with people who I trust and respect, who get the job done and are focused on results and meeting outcomes/responsibilities rather than presenteeism. Also when you've got really good team members who you can rely on to produce work/results, giving them flexibility around these issues when they come up keep people engaged and loyal. Replacing good people is hard, time-consuming and costly to the business.

💯this.

I understand it's not possible in some sectors, and that's very different.

But where you can, it's the right thing to do ethically and practically. You will always have people who take advantage, of course. But most people won't, will want to 'pay back' the favour and will often provide flexibility in another way as a result.

I also believe in not making it arduous for my team do to this, no complicated requests or justification. If they tell me they need this, I trust them; if I realise that they are taking advantage, I know it'll show up in other ways too.

Honestly, I’ve never had a “less productive day” when caring for a poorly DC at home.

I find that surprising @DoBeDoBeDooo but in any case, my point was - that's ok!

If a DC is at a stage where they need direct care at home, I find it hard that you will have your most productive day working as well - even if that's just stopping to check on them, feed them and all that. And of course, if they are younger, they may need supervision when not asleep. And I think that's ok. It can all be caught up when the person is back at work / child well.

I’m always less productive in the office, when people can just walk up and interrupt me, than when WFH.

That's a bit of an inaccurate comparison. People walking up and interrupting you is work. Yes, it can create a distraction from your planned work, but it's important to have this ad hoc communication as part of a properly functioning workplace, in the main.

And will probably end up doing a 12hr day when at home with poorly DC to make sure any extra breaks to give cuddles, snacks, etc are accounted for.

Each person / workplace to their own but I'd never expect this. That results in a shattered parent who will struggle in the coming days. I'd suggest to my colleagues to do what they can in their work day and I'd anticipate they'd make up anything not done when they are back fully at work.

I don’t have anyone else to look after him so it’s either parents or nursery. If I did have the option of friends or neighbours I still wouldn’t do it because it’s unfair to them and it wouldn’t be nice for my child. I said it was illogical to feel that way about my dh because he’s his parent too but yes, when my child is sick I do prefer to be able to monitor and care for them if I can.

My priority is and always will be my family over work. It doesn’t mean work isn’t important but it’s certainly not as important as my dc. If you feel differently that’s your choice. I’m not going to take personal responsibility for the actions of misogynistic employers.

You find it surprising that I can be just as productive during a 12 hour day at home, even with breaks to look after DC, than I can during an 8hr day at the office, where I'm interrupted constantly?

And I'm not talking being interrupted for work reasons. That still happens at home via Teams. I'm taking about mundane office chat that has nothing to do with work.

That results in a shattered parent who will struggle in the coming days.

How? 😂

Let's say I take the day off to look after poorly DC, because DH did it yesterday and now it's my turn. I work my usual hours, 9am until 5pm, but I'm back and forth to the kitchen getting drinks and Calpol, so know I haven't got as much done as I would normally.

DH gets home, so I leave him to make dinner and tend to DC while I get a few more hours done upstairs, in the office.

I finish work at 9pm, settle on the sofa with a brew and my book, and in bed by 11pm.

Back in the office the next day.

You really think I'm going to struggle? 😂

Yeh, but it’s not really misogynistic of your employer to expect you to do the job they’re paying you to do and sort out your emergency childcare.

Another poster who seems to think emergency childcare can be dreamt up 😂

You can laugh all you want but the majority of policies will allow you to take an emergency day or two to sort out childcare.

But can you explain how someone who has no help can ‘sort childcare’?
I’ve already said that the agencies people have spoken about that apparently offer adhoc care for sick children do not exist in my area. If a child is too sick for nursery and there is no one else to care for them then how can it be sorted?

You can laugh all you want but the majority of policies will allow you to take an emergency day or two to sort out childcare.

@Chanelo good thing the LAW makes statutory provisions for exactly this kind of scenario then, isn't it 😃

How about my suggestion? Advertise in your local library that you’re looking for occasional ad hoc childcare, speak to a few people who are not looking for permanent work but are happy to work a day here and there (my poule includes recently retired teachers), and then you have some people you can call if needs be. Obviously you need to take these steps before you need emergency childcare.

@Cinai Advertise in the local library for a stranger to look after my child? Are you out of your mind?!

Edited to remove the laughing emoji because, actually, this is a massive safeguarding risk and I can see your DC is still a baby. Please don't do this.

Childcare providers are regulated for a reason.

So put an advert out now saying that at some point next year my child might have a sickness bug or chicken pox and I will need emergency childcare from someone who is a complete stranger to us all? Or as another post said, cultivate a relationship with this stranger and let them look after my child at the weekend when I want to be with them so they know who they are? And then hope against hope that if on some random Tuesday in May 2026, my child wakes up with D&V this retired teach has no plans at all that week or can drop everything and grab a mop and bucket?